I Drive Myself Crazy

The hospital can't cure the heartache JC feels for them. One of my older pieces from 2005.

I don't own JC Chasez from *NSYNC nor their song "I Drive Myself Crazy". I'm just borrowing them. So dont sue.

 

 

He could still hear the crunching of metal and glass. Her screams were the last thing he heard before the accident.

 

As JC lay there on the stretcher, he watched blankly as they loaded his one and only passenger across the way onto another stretcher. Nani’s eyes were shut, and her left arm hung limply off the stretcher. He glanced for a second at the pink watch on her wrist. Why did her watch go on ticking? The thought of being responsible for the death of somebody so young was breaking his heart as the seconds ticked by.

 

His grief was so strong that he didn’t feel the ice-cold raindrops splashing all over his face, and making puddles everywhere. The guys were being notified, that was for sure. Her family was being notified as well. What were they telling them? That JC had been driving down these wet and slippery streets to get her home, when all of a sudden, a trucker turned right in front of them so fast that JC just didn’t have enough time to react? Or were they telling them about how JC’s heart had just been broken, and his emotions were clearly the ones blocking his view, and not the rain?

 

With his thoughts now beginning to rest on Megan, he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

When JC came to again, he realized that the cool, dry atmosphere was that of the hospital. The steady beeping of a heart monitor was the only thing he could hear aside from the tapping on the window pane from the rain.

 

JC looked down to see his body in a hospital gown. He felt some pounding in his head, and reached up with his left hand to feel the bandages on his forehead. He glanced at his left hand that had a few scratches here and there, and no clamp on any of his fingers, signaling that the heart monitor wasn’t monitoring him.

 

He turned to his right to see his roommate, still sleeping peacefully. She was alive. Thank God. But there were gashes on her face, and the heart monitor was keeping measure of the one thing she thought was the most beautiful sound that the human body could make. The door opened, and the guys began to pile in.

 

JC couldn’t hear them asking him if he was ok. He couldn’t. Not when he hurt two people he loved so much. One was unaware that he was in the hospital, and would not have cared for that matter- since she felt that had she been the one in this predicament, he wouldn’t care. The other one was fighting for her life- the doctors were unsure of whether or not Nani would wake up from this accident.

 

Laying in your arms

So close together

Didn’t know just what I had

 

He could only vaguely feel his friends wrap their arms together, all embracing each other in a group hug, like they did once before. It didn’t help much, but for all it did help, it made a difference for his broken heart. He may have lost somebody he felt was his soul mate and endangered an innocent life, but if nothing else, he had four loyal and supportive friends- who were there through the ups and downs of life, and proving it again for a numberless time.

 

But they weren’t Megan. And their hugs wouldn’t give Nani her consciousness back. What would he give to see Megan, standing over him, with the love in her eyes? What would he give to have Nani bouncing around full of life again? It was his stupidity, he knew, that landed them both there. If he had just listened to her…if hadn’t accused her of being faithless…the life in his heart wouldn’t have died. His heart, like Nani, was still physically alive, but unaware of anything else outside of that. He felt cold and numb, only vaguely recognizing the warmth of his four best friends. The life in his heart seemed to be laying there in bed with Nani, frozen, dangling between existence and non-existence.

 

Now I toss and turn

Cuz I’m without you

How I’m missing you so bad

Where was my head?

Where was my heart?

Now I cry alone in the dark

 

She was in a coma for days, and the doctors were as pessimistic as ever about her recovery. Nothing short of a miracle would wake her up. All they could do was wait for her to wake up. All he could do was hope. But it was hard to inspire hope…when the one woman who taught him how to hope was gone.

 

He bit his tongue, trying to hold in his tears. He would have given anything and everything to have her back. Wasn’t there something called forgiveness? Couldn’t she forgive if she knew something called hope? Did she know how to forgive if she knew how to love?

 

He wouldn’t blame her, though, if she never forgave him. He wasn’t really pigheaded by nature, but when pushed to the edge, he proved to be merciless and cruel…maybe that was why he lost her. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t trust her to stay faithful…but because he didn’t stop to think that maybe there was an explanation. He accused, tried and sentenced her without pausing to verify the facts. Instead of remembering that standing before him was a woman who loved him and would do anything for him, he threw her away without ever really knowing it. But how he would do anything just to see her again…

 

I lie awake

I drive myself crazy

Drive myself crazy

Thinking of you

Made a mistake

When I let you go baby

I drive myself crazy

Wanting you the way that I do

 

He reached up to grab his forehead. His headache was really pounding now. Tylenol, he heard Nani say in the recesses of his memory, didn’t help her. Taking it like candy didn’t do anything to numb the pain. And that was for the physical pain it was supposed to help. He mused, then, that no wonder it didn’t help him- he was taking physical medicine for a soul pain.

 

The voices were still echoing in his head. Those awful words he threw at her…her desperate voice finally getting through to him too late…there was a terrible ripping inside of him, and he had to fight to keep from gasping. For a moment, he held back because Nani was still resting. But nothing the doctors did seem to help her wake up…thinking that she was sleeping instead of residing in a coma, he screamed the pain that tore him apart.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

“…you slept with him, admit it!”

 

“JC, it was nothing! He means nothing to me, please, JC…”

 

“I can’t believe this!             I trusted you! I trusted you with my heart, and you do this to me! You know I’m a better man than he is for you-”

 

“Yes, I do JC! I’d never do anything to hurt you, not especially with somebody like him! I never loved him, and I never will- YOU are the one I love! I’d never give myself to somebody like him because you’re the only one who deserves me! Please, JC, I didn’t sleep with him, I love you more than anything…”

 

“I’m leaving you. I don’t want a woman who’d betray me like this.”

 

“Wait, JC, please! Don’t go, I need you! JC, please, I love you…”

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The doctors had to restrain him in his bed, and there was no way they could get him to be silenced without injecting some medicine into his arm. As his mind drifted away, the thoughts, still uneasy, brought him to his violent rest. And Nani never woke up.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I was such a fool

I couldn’t see it

Just how good you were to me

You confessed your love

I confessed my need to be free

But now I’m left with all this pain

I’ve only got myself to blame

 

She was slipping even deeper into her coma, and her days were numbered at this point. JC looked desperately to the young girl, praying, hoping, wishing that she would wake up soon. Deep inside of him, where his jealousy died, lay under its carcass, was the desire to live and love. Buried under it, it was trying so hard to emerge to the surface so that it would guide him to health. But it seemed the more it struggled for freedom, the heavier the weight of the dead upon it.

 

JC reached out to her, knowing in his mind that she wouldn’t reach for him back. She continued to lay there, motionless, buried under her physical restrictions. Where was she now? Where do you go when you’re in a coma? Do you find your way back? Do you wander around until you find the way out? Or do you just happen upon it by accident? If you’re not lucky to have that fortunate accident, what happens to you then? Are you lost forever? Those questions continued to argue against each other, bearing more questions in the process.

 

Forgiveness, he realized, was the simplest, least painful solution to a wound. Letting go, being ok with the past being the past, and remembering but not dwelling on what happened was the route he should have taken. Megan would have been lying his in arms about now, and Nani would be off, building her young life. But the pain settled back in once he realized that the one who needed forgiveness wasn’t her- but him. He would give anything to have her back…and his pride was on the market, if only that could get her back.

 

I lie awake

I drive myself crazy

Drive myself crazy

Thinking of you

Made a mistake

When I let you go baby

I drive myself crazy

Wanting you the way that I do

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

A dark figure waited outside of a white two-story house. The rain was coming down, as heavy as it had the night of the accident. The figure took a few steps toward the house, uneasy as it moved. The figure found itself in a small room, overlooking the property in the front. It was a warmer atmosphere, lacking the emptiness of lost bodies and souls. The figure held something in its hand, that could possibly be the guiding light that nobody could see right now. The figure couldn’t really feel anything physically. But the figure was full of warm feelings, real, but where did they belong? The figure knew that the key to the answers lay in this hand, and that box belonged on the nightstand by the bed.

 

She slept peacefully, unaware of how much her life was going to change that night. Unaware of how connected she was to the figure in the room. Unaware of what was going to happen. In her subconscious state, she was oblivious but free. Reality was going to come crashing in soon, but after laying there for days, motionless, it was going to be a welcomed change.

 

As the figure left the house, the figure found that it had a better sense of where it was going and where it belonged. It had a sense of hope, faith, trust, and more importantly love. The figure looked up, and for a second, the moon shone through the angry clouds. Her true self was shining, and now she knew who she was. And she was going to return, knowing that it was time to live again.

 

She found her way back after living in the darkness.

 

Why didn’t I know it

How much I loved you baby

Why didn’t I show it

If I had only known

If I had a chance

Oh, I had the chance

 

It was still raining by the time Megan reached the hospital. She was soaked, but determined. She pulled her jacket tight around her, trying to keep the cold out, but she knew she wasn’t going to be warmed for good until she came in to do what she came to do. She walked in, ignoring the guard that was sleeping peacefully at the counter.

 

JC allowed a tear to slip by in his sleep. The last drops of hope were drying him out, even though outside, it was pouring. It seemed so appropriate to him that it should rain. The world was crying. It was coming down so bad…the world’s heart must have been broken very badly.

 

I lie awake

I drive myself crazy

Drive myself crazy

Thinking of you

Made a mistake

When I let you go baby

I drive myself crazy

Wanting you the way that I do

 

So it was quite a shock to see Megan, standing over him, stroking the side of his face with his diamond studded ring on her left hand. How it got out of his pocket after the crash and to her house, he would never really know. All he would know that the tears he cried in joy finally matched the tears that the world was crying now.

 

The shadowy figure made its way to the bed, as the moon peeked out again that night, even just for that necessary second, the figure disappeared. And as their lips touched, the figure disappeared.

 

“JC?” The weak voice signaled, that at long last, the hidden brown eyes of the young girl were open for all the world to see. Now he was alive again.

 

Drive myself crazy

Wanting you the way that I...do...

 

 

 

Author's Note

I still don't own JC Chasez from *NSYNC nor their song "I Drive Myself Crazy". Now, beat it.

Reviews

[DarkAngelWriter]

Well well well, miss, what might this be?
I now understand the frustration of others when I write a story whose plot is based on a song by the band that I love so dearly, when others do not know the song.
In the same breath, however, I like that you didn't just infodump, and you pretended we knew what was going on while still allowing us enough to keep reading.
Now, JC? Really? I was a Joey girl myself.