Bringing Sassy In : A Rant

Written Fall 2008

     Sassy's four-inch legs are not long enough to keep her swollen belly from dragging the ground as she waddles in duck-like fashion across old blankets laid across the floor in preparation. Her room is rather blank: three fourths of it cleaned out to accomodate the approaching honor of bringing life into the world. Two large blankets have been draped across the remainder of random, homeless objects -- the forbidden area finally blocked by rubbermaid tote tops to ensure that Sassy's nosy snout will not begin a search and destroy operation that we have not authorized.

     Banishment to the "puppy-having" room is a direct result of Sassy's complete incompetence and inability to go to the bathroom out of doors. Her adorable golden smile shines brightly, so long as her belly is rubbed and your full attention is committed to an eternal continuation of that activity. If not, she remains on her back, showing off the stomach she desperately wants to be rubbed. Attempt to ignore her, and she develops a canine version of terrets: twitching and shaking and whining like some kind of children's robot toy with a short circuit.

     "Sassy! Go lay down!" She shoots me a look of complete shock and extreme hurt. She waddles three steps, turns around, and flips like a hot burger onto her back where she repeats her former attack of terrets. I feel my nerves begin to pulsate.

    "Sassy! GO LAY DOWN SOMEWHERE!" Now her feelings are crushed, and she waddles toward Dad, who spouts a string of obscene language, stopping her in her tracks. She lays down where she stands, and grunts with all the pent up frustration of an un-rubbed belly. She shows me the sad face; watery-eyed and pitiful. Poor thing, if only she had the brain cells left to understand what "nerve-racking" means.

     The fact that Sassy has fallen directly on her head twice in her short life is believed to be the reason for her incessant incompetence. The first time, she was only a few weeks old. Six inches or so away from the easily accessible porch stairs of our first home, Sassy decided to swan dive about four feet, head-first onto a concrete cinder block. My husband, shaking his head in disbelief, walked quickly into the house and spouted, "I think the dog just killed herself." The humor of the situation had yet to set in, so I rushed outside to find Sassy's tiny body, standing beside the cinder block and growling as if it had pulled her down off the porch. My head instantly found my head as it shook in awe. "She just jumped..." said my husband, still shocked.

     "That dog is either crazy or stupid." I stated flatly, and I proceeded to check her for injuries. She turned out to be fine, but about four months later, history repeated itself. After moving to our new home, my husband and I decided to build a large deck, with the help of my father-in-law and his best friend. One brisk evening in autumn, my husband and I stood outside smoking, letting the dogs sniff around and do their business. The deck was nearly complete, with only the tallest side around the front of the house left to finish building. Suddenly, a wild hair found itself up Sassy's butt, and she charged through the barrier my husband and I had tried to create with our bodies, dashed around the corner of the deck, and into her most entertaining predicament. It went a little bit like this:

     "Sassy! Nooo!!!" There was a faint swoosh followed by a brief period of silence.

     "Arf!" Sassy squawked as she realized it was a bit longer of a drop than she had anticipated. THUD.

     "Oh my god," I said to my husband, wide-eyed and mouth gaping, "she must have done it this time." He nodded, and followed as I turned to rush around the house and into the side yard. Sassy met me halfway, wagging her tail as if she had just won the gold medal at the high dive competition.

     "She's your dog," my husband shrugged, and I rolled my eyes and shooed Sassy indoors. This is rediculous, I thought to myself. Shredded dress shoes, gnarled furniture, and what seems like acreage of marred carpet now proves that she is rediculous, just as I predicted.

      Sassy's pups are always quite a bit smarter than she is, so it is worth the proofing of the room and the washing of the blankets it takes to help her raise them. Sure, once they are weaned, sometimes they stand in their food while they eat it, and it seems that poop double their body weight every hour on the hour. They are cute and cuddly, however, and after all, they aren't trying to jump out the window or off of anything.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Perhaps slightly better genes have been afforded them by their father. A cute story--I especially enjoyed the bits about her wanting her belly rubbed. "Flip like a hot burger"-- that's good.

[Everchanging Disaster]

Hehe...I think I've heard this story before!

[Kaitlin W. Blaylock]

LOLOLOLOL!!! I loved it, and I know exactly what it is to have a rediculous dog. Very entertaining.

[LacyBug]

Extremily funny! Even though I started to get scared when I read the part where Sassy fell off of the porch! I absoultly LOVED it! I am so totally adding this to my library! Hope there will a 2nd chapter to this! Thank you 4 sharing!