Lessons of Me

Written Fall 2008

And now I will begin

to tell you who I am with a series

of sweet memories and bitter pills

taken in stride with joy and regret

 

My very first love was a man named Papa

who taught me how to sing Green Acres

and worship flea markets

and listen intently to the secrets of trees

The same man whose life ended abruptly

his body overtaken by a black death invading his lungs

and snuffing out his bright and quiet flame

before I had the chance to hear the stories

of how he wished to tap like Gene Kelley

or how Grandma had dreamed of floating like Anna Pavlova

gracefully and dutifully playing the dying swan

 

 

And so

A pair of small, pink ballet shoes would

rule my world when I was four

though cracked and faded from the use

of another tiny pair of feet

whose dreams began within their grasp

though my hopes for Juliard would die before

I ever managed to perform my first full split

But ah, the spotlight and gaze of the crowd

quenching the dramatic thirsts of my childhood

with sparkles and sequins and the rythym of endurance

 

My very best friend was a woman named Mama

who bought me the small, pink shoes

and taught me how to love my enemies

and sing my heart out no matter who listens

and write until my fingers bleed

because everyone has a story that someone wants to hear

and though hers was sweet and beloved

She fought her sometimes hidden sadness until late one night

when the grizzly bear of her nightmares wrestled her to her back

and into oblivion

 

My very worst enemy was a man named Daddy

who taught me that trust is an illusion

and people never stay or love forever

no matter how warmly you hug them

how often you kiss their cheeks

or how many times you plead with them that you love them

even though they stink of beer and drugs and other women

whose names are never Mama

 

And so I grew

to hate myself for everyone else's mistakes

and carve that hatred into my own skin

with anything sharp enough to sting

so that I would remember what it was like to feel alive

and once I touched oblivion

with only a fingertip and prayed to be sucked in

as Mama was

in the dark of night

in the midst of sleep

 

But I was saved at twenty-one

watching Daddy watching God

I began to sing Amazing Grace from somewhere within my soul

And wet-cheeked I smiled as the face of my father

lit like Christmas lights with joy and radiance

of a child returning home

hands held high above his head and singing

slightly off-key and low pitched

his praises to a God who somehow forgave when others could not

and I learned

 

I learned that I am the product of love and hate

of death and life

of music and art and beauty

of light and of darkness

and it is only when I choose to give myself away

to those who need to share my light

that I become what I was really meant to be

not a granddaughter or daughter

not a dancer

not a savior

not even a writer

but a lover in the deepest and truest form:

a lover of people

of nature

of life

and most of all of stars

which shine only in the darkest of times

and then burst forth to share their ecstasy with a world

in desperation

for truth

 

Reviews

[Kelly D. Burris]

Wow! What a fantastic and emotionally moving piece of reflection! Loved the flow of the piece and the overall feel!
Blessings,
Kelly

[scorpion-red]

this was an interesting piece and i would like to chat and exchange pieces with you one day if you will allow it

[run vs remember]

Wow, that's amazing. It's really a sad story...but I'm glad you've gotten through your past and it seems to have made you a strong person. The last two stanzas are perfect. Awesome poem, I love it.

[Last Lying Look]

This was beautiful! What an excellent write. It was so full of honesty.
I'd have to say my favorite part was:
"I learned that I am the product of love and hate
of death and life
of music and art and beauty
of light and of darkness
and it is only when I choose to give myself away
to those who need to share my light
that I become what I was really meant to be"

Amazing piece!

-Elissa :)

[Winter McPherson]

This is amazing!! I'm in tears.... So beautiful! Goes right to the heart and the soul. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in such a beautiful way. The Papa, the Mama and "Daddy"; the journey through darkness and emerging into the light and joy and love. So real and so sweet...especially the end.