Seisen Blooper Reel

Ad-libs, forgetting lines, faceplants, suicidal directors - see what happened behind the scenes of Seisen.

Niqi followed Glide down the stairs, leaning against the banister once she reached the last step.

Glide stayed at the foot of the stairs, grinning and watching a small, slim selkie arranging bottles and glasses.

The selkie wiggled his hips as he moved back and forth behind the bar, not noticing Glide and Niqi on the stairs. He looked up after a moment, raising one pale-skinned hand to brush dark blonde locks out of his face. Finally taking notice of the two newcomers, his green eyes lit up, a smile appearing on his face as he attempted to vault over the bar, tripping over it and falling flat on his face.

Glide burst out laughing.

The director facepalmed. "Cut, let's take it from the top..."

 

...

 

Niqi met up with Glide in the hall, a somewhat dejected-looking Lujuria following after the Varixian. “What’s wrong with him?”

“I gave it to him straight.” Glide said.

"I thought you'd give it to him gay." Niqi quipped.

The director sighed, rubbing his temples. "Stick to the script, Dominique..."

 

...

 

“You know what?” Glide asked, as he and Niqi exited the inn.

Niqi shrugged, glancing up at her companion. “Chicken butt?"

"... I loathe you..." Glide muttered.

The cameraman chuckled.

"Cut!" The director yelled. "I told you to stick to the script!"

 

...

 

It was for all of these reasons that Ambree was able to be more of an independent spirit. She was only sixteen, but her father had –

“Gah!” Ambree exclaimed, having mindlessly pricked her finger on part of the barbed wire. She leaned backward on instinct, and then flailed to stay on the wall, but her crossed legs hindered her from doing so; she fell backwards and landed on her back with a whomp.

“Can’t…breathe…” Ambree struggled.

The scene shook; neither could the cameraman.

“Cut,” the director muttered, leaning his face into one palm.

 

...

 

 

Ambree jumped up, taking her cereal bowl to the counter. “I’m going out for the day,” she told him, facing away. She started to walk towards the door.

“Where?” her father asked.

“Disney world,” Ambree replied curtly.

“Cut!” the director shouted. He held up a copy of the script. “Do you even know what this is?!”

 

...

 

Ambree was utterly confused, but the excitement she felt at the mention of getting beyond the reach of the walls overpowered it. It was like these two newcomers had given her the strength she needed to finally break the law that had been so ingrained in her from the very beginning. She pulled herself halfway over the wall, then jerked suddenly and fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. “S**t! I hate barbed wire! This s**t is supposed to be fake!”

Niqi smirked, trying not to laugh. “Did you just eat crayons? Because your language is colorful.”

The director groaned. “Get me the prop director so I can fire his b*****d a*s.”

 

...

 

Ambree’s eyes bugged out, and she felt as if they might fall out of her head and land on her shoes. The authorities weren’t kidding when they mentioned supernatural powers. “I…I…um…Thanks, I guess,” she managed after a moment. She cleared her throat, glancing up at them both. “I, uh…um…we… so…” She paused, then shook her head. “What are my friggin’ lines?”

“Cut!”

 

...

 

“Right,” Ambree responded. It was all starting to make some sort of sense, but she was learning things they had never taught in school. She glanced between Glide and Niqi. “Are you guys…a couple?”

Niqi smiled coyly and wrapped her arms around Glide. “Oh yeth we motht thertainly are,” she replied in her gayest voice.

Glide shoved Niqi away, trying to keep the smirk off his face. “Dude, get the f**k away.”

“Damnit, cut!” the director shouted.

 

...

 

“What’s your supernatural ability, then?” Ambree asked.

“I can shoot corndogs out of my eyes,” Niqi replied.

“Cut!”

 

...

 

Glide walked back over to the guard, grinning and patting him on the shoulder. “You’re doin’ a great job, pal, but it’s time for you to go to sleep.”

The guard suddenly went limp, collapsing against the wall.

Glide smirked. “Vulcan nerve hold.”

"Spock is gonna f**k you up." Niqi stated.

"Why do I even try...?" The director muttered.

 

...

 

"Take two!"

Glide walked back over to the guard, grinning and patting him on the shoulder. “You’re doin’ a great job, pal, but it’s time for you to go to sleep.”

The guard yelped, pushing Glide away. "Ow! What the f**k, dude!? I thought that s**t wasn't real!"

"... Just call for take three." The director said after a moment. "I'm going to go drown myself."

 

...

 

Niqi shrugged, glancing over the counter. The bartender was still out cold. “Hey!” she shouted at him. There was no response. She pulled a sharpie from her pocket, hopped over the counter, and quickly drew a dick on his forehead. The bartender’s eyes shot open and he sat up, creating a jagged line leading upward from the balls.

“What the f**k are you doing?!” The bartender yelped.

“F*****g cut!” the director shouted. “Damn it all to hell, Niqi. Get the makeup director.”

 

...

 

Ambree smiled to herself, bracing her hands on Niqi’s shoulders and raising herself into a handstand, then swinging herself downward and kicking Niqi backwards.

Niqi growled quietly, holding her hand up, palm outward. “…Dude, I can’t do this. It looks so f*****g stupid without the effects. ‘Oh, how dare you kick me, talk to the hand!’”

The view shook with the cameraman’s laughter once again.

“Niqi, for the love of God…” the director muttered.

 

...

 

“Hey, Belleza,” Niqi greeted, waving at the innkeeper. She suddenly seemed placid.

Belleza waved back, smiling. “Go on upstairs, we haven’t rented out any cabbages.”

“…Rooms, Belleza,” the director said.

Ambree snickered.

“How the f**k do you even rent a cabbage?” the cameraman asked.

 

...

 

Niqi drew her blade as well. “On the count of five.”

“No, three,” Ambree interjected.

“Three,” Niqi corrected herself.

“Not original!” the director yelled.

 

...

 

“Silence, you insignificant little speck!” The guard roared.

Ambree glanced to the right. “Dude, is that a tea stand?” She ran through the entrance.

“Cut!”

 

...

 

Ambree blinked. “That was so f*****g surreal,” she muttered.

“Like riding aquaphobic green llama worm beasts through the desert,” Niqi replied.

“…Say what?” Ambree asked, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“Cut!”

 

...

 

“You can’t kill me, I’m already dead.” Glide grinned. “And, of course–”

“And because I am dead, I can take off my head!” Niqi shouted loudly, interrupting, and then began to sing; “To recite Shakespearean quotations, no animal nor man can sc–” Glide’s paw clamped down on Niqi’s mouth.

“Shut. The f**k. Up,” Glide growled.

“I’m getting sick of the word ‘cut,’” the director groaned.

 

...

 

Niqi felt uncomfortable sharing anything of Glide’s past, as if it were disrespectful. “Well, the short version is that Glide’s father is a huge b*****d,” she started, walking away from the Western Cross wall.

Ambree followed. “And the long version?”

“Is that Glide’s father is a huge b*****d,” Niqi replied matter-of-factly. She shrugged.

“The script exists for a reason!” the director yelled.

 

...

 

"Take twenty-four!"

“Leave that to me.” Lujuria said.

“They used to call me Lady Cabbage...” Belleza murmured.

The director banged his head against the wall. "Why can't she remember the damn line!?"

 

...

 

"Take eighty-two!"

“Leave that to me.” Lujuria said.

“They used to call me Lady Schmekelmeyer...” Belleza murmured.

The director threw his hands up. "F**k it, I quit!"

 

...

 

“We all good to go?” Glide asked, descending the stairs.

“I’m ready.” Lujuria said.

Belleza wandered in from an adjacent room, wearing a suit of armor and carrying her flail. “Just point me to an a*s and I’ll kick it... Maybe punch it a few times, too.”

"That's first time I've ever seen an old battleaxe in a suit of armor." Glide stated.

The new director fell backwards, out of his chair. "Cut... just f*****g cut..."

 

...

 

“Right.” Glide nodded. “Come on, everybody, let’s get moving.”

"What's the plan, Glide?" Niqi asked.

The director opened his mouth to call 'cut', but didn't get the chance.

"We go in there f**k-me-swingin', balls out." Glide answered.

The director blinked. "... Suddenly, I can see why the last one quit."

 

...

 

“Don’t worry about me!” Lujuria called over his shoulder. “Nobody would hurt someone this cute!”

Glide rolled his eyes. "Please, I've eaten people cuter than him. He's f****n' toast."

"Stick to the script, please..."

 

...

 

Niqi looked at Glide for a few moments, breaking into a grin. “Race you?”

“Bah, compared to you, I’m F****t Flash." Glide muttered.

"... I don't know if we're even allowed to leave that in..."

 

...

 

Lujuria strode into the selkie king’s throne room, tripping over the ornate rug and falling flat on his face.

"... S**t. Get him an ice pack, we'll reshoot in five." The director said.

 

...

 

“Yes, sir.” Lujuria said, bowing again and making his way out of the throne room. On his way to the door, he tripped over the rug again.

The director groaned, rubbing his temples. "F*****g accident-prone selkie... Cut!"

 

...

 

"Take six!"

“Yes, sir.” Lujuria said, bowing again and making his way out of the throne room. On his way to the door, he tripped over the rug again. He got up and dusted himself off, turning back to the selkie king. "... You didn't see that."

The director grabbed a copy of the script, pressing it against his mouth and using it to muffle his frustrated scream.

 

...

 

“Oh, gods, not you again...” Kigetski muttered. “What do you want now?”

“Respect your elders, sonny!” Belleza snapped, smacking her flail against one armored hand. "... I think I just broke my hand."

The director found a wall, beginning to bash his head, just as the last one had. "Whyyyy!?"

 

...

 

“I’m not a w***e.” Glide said. “I’m a s**t.”

Niqi’s brow creased in confusion. “That’s rather trivial. What’s the difference?”

“That’s an easy one.” Glide responded. “You're not allowed to kiss a w***e.”

"I swear to god..." The director muttered. "From the top!"

 

...

 

“Let’s see. If we go that way, that way, or that way, I’ll die. Where are the tunnels?” Niqi asked.

“Up your nose,” Glide replied.

“Cut, damnit!”

 

...

 

“Trust me, he’s a lot faster than me sometimes.” Glide said, nudging Lujuria.

The selkie went silent, blushing.

"We oughta call you 'The Hurricane'." Glide grinned.

The director heaved a heavy sigh. "Can we please just stick to the script?"

 

...

 

“Take two!”

“Trust me, he’s a lot faster than me sometimes.” Glide said, nudging Lujuria.

The selkie went silent, blushing.

“Ugh. We are not discussing that topic again. Less talk, more tunnels,” Niqi said.

Glide paused. “…Tunnels,” he repeated, smirking.

“Cut!”

 

...

 

“Enough with the dragon horror stories,” Niqi hissed.

Ambree, who had somehow managed to get a flashlight out and lit under her chin, clicked it off. “Aw,” she whined.

“…The hell? Cut!” the director shouted.

 

...

 

“In that case, forget you guys.” Glide grinned, standing up and heading further into the cave. “I know what I’m doin’ to keep busy.”

Lujuria scrambled to his feet and ran after Glide. “Wait for me!”

“... Who wants to pull some taffy?” Belleza asked after a moment.

Niqi snorted.

"Cut!"

 

...

 

“So, anyone have an idea what we should do while we wait?” Glide asked. "You guys can play Russian Roulette with a pistol, I'll watch."

The cameraman dashed off, laughing uncontrollably on his way to the bathroom.

"... I think he almost pissed his pants." Niqi stated.

"Cut!"

 

...

 

“F**k you!” Glide growled from further down the tunnel, appearing after a moment, nude from the waist down.

Niqi looked away. "Glide, for gods' sakes!"

"Oh, s**t, I forgot my pants, didn't I?" Glide muttered, looking down. "Yep, I forgot my pants."

"Take it from the top!"

 

...

 

“Where am I?” Belleza murmured. “Are we done already...?”

"... Yeah, Bell, we're done." Glide said, doing nothing to conceal his sarcasm.

Belleza smiled, turning and walking away. "Okay, dearie. I'll be in my trailer, come get me for the next scene."

"You're f*****g kidding me..." The director muttered. "Cut!"

 

...

 

“For blood!” Glide roared, kicking the gates open and rushing inside.

“For carnage!” Lujuria snarled, following Glide inside.

“Formica!” Belleza exclaimed.

The director facepalmed. "... That's an ant, Bell. Take it from the top."

 

...

 

“Zum zum zum, Capoeira mata um...” Lujuria sang, flipping through the Southern Cross and sending demons flying with flipping kicks. He missed his footing suddenly, and landed in an awkward heap on the ground. “F**k, I think I twisted my ankle…”

“Great!” the director shouted. “F*****g hell! Cut!”

 

...

 

“Excuse me, dearie,” Belleza smiled, tapping a demon on the shoulder with her flail, “you’re in my way.” She paused for dramatic effect, then simply walked around it. "Don't worry, I'll just go around."

The director yelled into his hands.

 

...

 

“Throw me on top of that building,” Ambree requested, pointing.

Glide nodded, putting down his shovel and grabbing Ambree with both hands. He threw her, launching her through the air…and right into the side of the building.

Ambree landed on her side, clutching her face. “I think you broke my f*****g nose, you b*****d!”

“…Woops,” Glide said sheepishly.

The director put his forehead into both palms. “Launch her with the shovel next time. Get the first aid.”

 

...

 

"Take two!"

“Throw me on top of that building,” Ambree requested, pointing.

Glide shrugged, dropping his shovel to the ground. "Sure thing." He said, grabbing Ambree by the collar of her shirt with both paws. He turned and gave her an over-the-shoulder throw, sending her flying through a window of the building she'd indicated. "Oh s**t, my aim's a little off..."

"Cut!"

 

...

 

Niqi scrambled up the wall and joined her after she’d fired off a couple of arrows. “Want some company?” she asked.

“No,” Ambree responded, and shoved Niqi off the building.

Niqi landed with a thud. “Motherfucking ouch! You little b***h!”

“Hypocrite!” Ambree shouted down.

“Cut, cut!” the director yelled, actually getting up from his chair and throwing his hands up. “No actual fighting!”

 

...

 

Ambree came skidding down from the top of another sloped roof; how she got up there is anyone’s guess. She jumped at the edge, curling into head-first dive. She held Insecte out in front of her, taking a demon by surprise by shoving it through his back. She didn’t stop, however, and plowed face-first into his shoulder, landing awkwardly on top of him, Insecte jutting upward when it met the ground to smack her in the chin. “Auuuughhhhh!” Ambree shouted.

“First aid! First aid!” the director shouted.

 

...

 

“Dude,” Glide hissed, “you’d better f****n’ let me go, or I’m gonna do to you what I did to Jason.”

The demon king didn’t seem intimidated, simply tightening his grip on Glide’s neck. “Quiet, goddess keeper.”

"Let go, dude, you're chokin' me!" Glide growled. "Jesus!"

The demon king released Glide, receiving a backward kick to the crotch.

"A*****e." Glide muttered.

The cameraman winced. "Ow, that looked like it hurt..."

"... Take it from the top." The director muttered.

 

...

 

“I will not be ignored!” The demon king snarled.

Niqi began to sing at the top of her lungs. “I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored!”

The demon king looked down at her. “The f**k?”

“Cut!”

 

...

 

“Maybe if we’re lucky, when we come back to visit, humans will know who you are.” Glide snickered, his comment directed at Shetani.

The goddess heaved a frustrated sigh. “Go headbutt a bullet.”

"... I'm not even going to tell you people to stick to the script anymore..."

 

...

 

Ambree pressed against the doors of the Western Cross, desperately trying to open it. She pulled back and shoved all her weight against it with her shoulder. The doors didn’t budge. “F**k!” she hissed, rubbing her arm. “Who the hell designed this s**t?”

“Cut! Fire…whoever’s responsible for this fuckery!” the director yelled.

 

...

 

"How do I know you didn't just stuff your pockets with mushrooms before you came in?" The queen asked.

Shetani shrugged. "Because I'm completely naked, but nobody seems to know because it hasn't been mentioned yet."

"... Take it from the top!"

 

...

 

"Come on, Lujuria." Glide grinned. "It's time for the five of us to be hittin' the ol' dusty trail."

Lujuria gave a girlish squeal, clinging to Glide.

"... Dude. That's the gayest thing to come out of your mouth since my dick." Glide muttered.

The director burst out laughing.

 

...

 

Niqi looked to Belleza. “I guess it’s just…ah, why the hell not. Belleza, you want to come with us, too?”

"My shoes hurt." Belleza said.

Glide blinked. "Dude. You aren't wearing shoes."

Belleza looked down. "... Oh."

"... Cut..."

 

...

 

"Now," Glide said, vaulting over Ambree and leaning, backwards, over the catwalk's railing, "pick a door... any door!"

Niqi stepped forward and pushed Glide over the railing.

Glide scowled, landing on the next catwalk. "You barrel of rancid weasel butter!"

Everyone present began laughing, all but Glide.

The cameraman pointed the camera at Glide. "Dude... What the hell is weasel butter?"

"Butter made with weasel milk." Glide stated.

"Cut... cut..." The director panted.