S.O.C 2#

Higher still thru the ceiling

Don't give me unprepared

as you knew then and never gave up the information ,

extracting it slow w-/ boiling oil & barbs

removing my pound of flesh

hurting pretty badly.

Talking to myself once again as the world falls to pieces

drifting on cliche & clouds

of platinum droplets

sparking a magnetic storm

above automated cities

walking about the countrys

on tin legs reinforced with titanium

carrying the tribal populations within their limits

feasting on smaller towns & early constructs

& maybe the odd static suicide attempt

assuming they communicate by some other means

asking if they can be killed at a reasonable price

as I recycle ideas picked up along the

wayside , thrown to the literary lions

aged yellow page manes . fur in newsprint critique

running as far as the eye can see

& w-/ meaningless poetry on the paws

stepped on by each bound

leaping on their prey to strip flesh from bone

long rips meat & fat

going off the radar, Nerve endings give up in shock

as the tendons twist into a chinese fingertrap

cutting off all circulation.

My ECG came back normal

I swear with electrodes on

my chest & ankles.

Small talking my way to the top

Author's Note

The most critical remark is the most welcome

Reviews

[sienikeha]

interesting. weird. i like it.

[Zoe Jay]

I like this, It has an unusual rhythm which is engaging and keeps the reader active in the poem, having to interact with it. It is very evocative, your descriptions are very well crafted, and although at some points it gets a little lost in how convoluted it is, by the end of the sentence, we may have forgotten the details, but we are left with a very strong feel. Very atmospheric. I like the broken, kind of stuttery feel and rhythm as it rolls, "drifting on cliche & clouds of platinum droplets sparking a magnetic storm above automated cities", for example, is a very good line. I think it could benefit from a little more punctuation though, as although I like the flow, it's just a little too unrelenting and I think if it was a bit more broken up and slower paced, then less detail would be lost in the reader's mind. I see where you were going with the structure and pace though, and I do like it, it's original and engaging and you should definitely follow through on writing in this style. :)