Chapter 1: Training

Nova and David are on a mission to eliminate a Udpist, an Artificial that is terrorizing the town of Amxei.

As daylight shone on her face from between the evergreens’ many branches, Nova began to stir out of her slumber. Slowly, she opened her light blue eyes and stretched as she examined her surroundings. Next to her was her blade which she was happy to have not needed during the night. The night when she fell asleep on guard watch once again. Brushing the rest of her emerald hair out of her face, she let out a yawn and noticed that David was nowhere to be seen. He did, however, leave his pack behind. Figuring he must be out training in the woods, Nova got up, put her green cloak on properly and began to search for her partner, sighing heavily as she did so.

              

Judging by the sun’s position, Nova knew it was no later than 11:00 in the morning. The birds were still chirping and the gentle wind combed its way through the foliage. The sky was almost clear of clouds and was as blue as Nova’s own eyes. The forest had not been so peaceful in ages. The crisp air filled Nova’s nose as her ears perked up to a sound coming from the east. She stopped and placed her left hand on her weapon as she knelt down slightly and crept towards the source of the noise. This continued until she hid herself behind the trunk of a thick tree. She peered around it to find David training in a small clearing of flat ground. He swung down on a log set up to seem like a foe and then went into a set of a vertical slash upwards, horizontal swing from the right, followed by a forceful kick directly ahead of him into the center of the log to knock it over. Finally, he hopped into the air and dug his hunting dagger into the bark of the log with a well-timed thrust. He extracted his weapon and panted, smiling at his newly discovered combo. He noticeably flinched when he heard slow clapping coming from behind him. He swiftly turned around to see Nova standing in a bush, grinning slightly from the right side of her mouth.

“Heh…g-good morning, Nova,” David said nervously, sheathing his weapon and straightening his red jacket. “Sorry I didn’t wake you, I-I just didn’t want to disturb you.”

“What did I say about you going out on your own?” Nova replied calmly, stepping out of the bush towards David. She brushed a collection of dust off of the left shoulder of his jacket and corrected his attempt at fixing its lopsidedness.

“Hey, cut it out!” David pulled back so he could do it himself. “I know I should have told you, but you took the whole guard watch last night so I thought you would need your rest.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you’ve only been on a few missions before this one,” Nova placed her hands on her hips and leaned in towards David. She tilted her head slightly and gazed up to meet his eyes, her eyebrows raised. “If I’m asleep, there won’t be anyone else to help you take on our target.”

“Y-yeah, but I’m not a child anymore, Nova. I can take care of myself out here, you said that yourself.”

“You’re still only fifteen, David.”

“Says you, you’re only a few years older! I’m still a grown up, anyways. I should be able to go out and train without having to tell you exactly where I’ll be and when I’ll be there. I should be able to do a few things on my own, at least. I’m responsible.”

              

Nova put her hands on David’s shoulders, looking him directly in the eyes. Her eyes flared with intensity as she stayed there, staring into the dark blue irises of David.

“This isn’t a matter of whether you’re responsible or not,” she said sternly. Her voice still had a gentleness to it whenever she spoke with authority. “It’s a matter of keeping you safe. You are grown up and I’m very proud of the progress you’ve made lately. I really like having you join me on these missions. But you have to understand that we’re partners now. We are each other’s lifelines out here so we have to stick together. Being a Mercenary isn’t glamourous, you know. It’s more than just fighting Artificial in epic battles and collecting the bounty. It’s about survival as well and without the proper precautions, one or both of us may not return home. So please David, just understand that and respect the rules I make. And if I’m asleep and something happens, you wake me up. No matter what, okay?”

             

David clenched his teeth and nodded. Nova smiled and moved her left hand into David’s hair, quickly moving it from side to side to mess it up. David pulled back as he frantically fixed his hair so it spiked in the back and his nose divided his front-most bangs. Nova laughed at this. Teasing David always helped turn those serious talks into something a little more lighthearted. Once David was done grooming himself, the pair went back to their campground, collected their things, and continued on with their mission.

              The sun was now at the 16:00 position. Nova was inspecting the surrounding area to make sure it was safe as David dropped the pack from his shoulders to lie down on a stump. They had been hiking without a break for a while and after the eighteenth time of being asked for a breather by David, Nova caved in and gave him what he wanted. He was still new to the Mercenary experience so he didn’t fully understand what was expected of him by their contractor. When she felt it was safe, Nova sat on the ground next to the stump, cross-legged.

“We’ll only be here for a few minutes,” Nova reminded David, who was too busy scrounging through his pack for water to listen. She sighed and shook her head, smiling at her friend’s mannerisms as she fixed her black shorts.

She sat back so she could lean against the stump, closing her eyes to inhale the scents of the forest around her: soggy moss, pine, small amounts of lavender and the wet fabric of David’s green shirt that he was spilling water on in his haste to quench his thirst. She was startled when something nudged her right shoulder only for it to be David offering her an almost empty water container. Seeing it was at least quarter full, she smiled sweetly and accepted David’s generosity. David exhaled and laid back down on the stump, running his hands through his jet black hair.

“I didn’t think that we’d…we’d be hiking for so long,” David panted. “I mean, you and the…and the mayor of Amxei said that this Artificial wouldn’t be hard to…miss. Yet, we’re still looking for it.”

“These things take time,” Nova stated, screwing the cap onto the now empty water container and setting it beside her. “These creatures are more clever than you think, David. They can develop very tricky strategies.”

“You said that this kind were dopes! And big and loud and…and…whatever else you said they were.”

“This specific kind are dopes. The Udpist Artificial make up for their lack of brain with brawn and overall size, however. They aren’t pushovers.” Nova laid her head back on the stump and turned it so she could see David looking up into the sky as he clicked the toes of his boots together. “But I do admit that it’s taking longer than usual to take care of one. This is certainly strange so I can see why you’d be frustrated right now.”

“Yeah, I guess. But I mean, it’s so dumb that we haven’t even found a single clue to where it could even be. How hard is it to find a big fumbling idiot in the woods?”

              Nova snickered and lightly hit the toes of David’s boot. “Not too hard, actually.”

“Exactly! So why haven’t we found it yet? Where could this thing even be?!”

              Just then, a loud roar broke through the trees and Nova shot up to her feet. David sat up, startled. His eyes were wide open and Nova looked at her frightened companion.

“Well…does that answer your question?”

              Another roar was heard from the west but it was closer than the last time. Nova grabbed her jagged black sickle in her left hand and raised it so it rested level with her hairline. David followed his friend’s lead and drew his hunting dagger, grasping the copper hilt in his right hand and holding it in front of his body. The two of them stood there, waiting. A third roar came through, closer than the last. Nova turned to David and nodded, shooting him a quick grin. He did the same but more timidly as a fourth cry rapidly approached the pair. The body of the beast that had produced it crashed through many trees as it entered the clearing the armed humans were in. The creature looked down at them and let out a final loud roar.

“You were complaining about not being able to find our target,” Nova quickly stated. “Here it is, David. Are you ready?”

             

David’s mouth was open as he looked his aggressor up and down. It was at least twice the size he was, easily exceeding ten feet in height, with each of its four arms being filled with an unthinkable amount of muscle. Its body was an unnatural shade of black, much darker than his own brown skin tone. The creature’s head had two small horns protruding from each side and its six eyes were glowing a crimson red. Each hand had a set of five sharp claws that could make a fist large enough to easily crush him. The Artificial breathed very heavily as it leered at David, who gulped at the sight of his target for the mission.

“Um…uh, y-yeah, let’s do this. Yeah, he’s going down!” His voice was still shaky despite his attempt at feigning confidence. He looked over at Nova who stared at the Udpist, not showing any sign of fear. She stood there, poised for an attack.

“Good,” Nova called back to David. “I have a plan then. He may be big but we can easily overpower him with two of us. So you run and attack him from the left side and I’ll do the same on his right.”

“What?! You want me to go at him by myself?”

“I’ll be right here with you, David. And there’s no need to worry, these Artificial can really only keep track of one prey at a time. I’ll distract him first so you can have a safer approach. Just follow my lead.”

              With that, Nova began to run at her opponent who turned to face her. Raising the two arms on its left side, the Udpist swung down at Nova as she rolled out of the way and continued to run along its right side, slashing at whatever parts of the beast she could. David, admiring Nova’s precision, began his approach on the monster’s left. He stabbed his dagger into the Artificial’s side and it let out a cry of pain, turning to David. It swung its right arms horizontally, knocking David away and leaving his dagger lodged in its torso. As David got up, he watched as the Artificial began to storm towards him, all four arms raised and ready to come down upon him. Thinking quickly, David dived to the left just as the fists of the creature smashed into the ground on which he had been standing moments ago. Quickly grabbing his dagger, David pulled it out and ran back to a horror stricken Nova.

“So much for…for that plan, huh?” David panted as he caught his breath. He looked to see Nova deep in thought. The Artificial let out another roar and clenched its fists again, making its way towards its attackers. Panicking, David looked to Nova who was still staring into space. “If you’ve thought of a plan, you mind sharing it now before we’re both pancakes?”

“You take the right side, I’ll take the left. I’ll distract it so you can finish it off.”

“Are you kidding me? We just tried tha-“

“Look out!”

             

David didn’t have time to react as Nova tackled him to the ground, just out of reach of four large fists that intended to crush them. The monster looked over at the two humans who were slowly getting back up and used its two right arms to finish the job. Nova dove to the left as David sprinted to the right, both of them missing another chance at being squashed.

“You, left. Me, right. Got it!” David called out to Nova, as he began to run to the back of the monster.

Nova tightened her grip on her blade and began to assault the creature head-on. Yelling out, she raised her sickle above her head and swung down on the Udpist’s torso, splitting the gash David had made even more. A black liquid spilt onto the ground and stained the grass, causing the monster to go into a rage. It slammed all four fists into the ground where Nova stood. She was able to easily avoid the attack. Finding an opening, she ran towards the beast, lunging between its fallen arms and impaled the Artificial in the stomach. As she twisted the sickle deeper, the Udpist made its move and grabbed Nova, pulling her away from her weapon so she could see the piercing crimson of the beast’s eyes. Nova struggled to set herself loose but couldn’t and it only encouraged the Artificial to tighten its grip. She called out for David, who was behind the Artificial and saw Nova in its grasp.

              Instinctively, David leapt onto the creature’s back and began to scale its hunched and boney backside. He did so as fast as he could, hearing Nova’s cries get more urgent and breathy. As he got to the shoulder blades of the Artificial, he saw Nova starting to go limp, her eyes shutting slowly.

“Let her go!”

Enraged, David pierced the skin on the back of the beast’s neck, sinking his blade deep into its cartilage. The Udpist began to wraith in agony, trying in vain to remove the dagger from its back. It threw Nova’s body to the side and rocked as hard as it could back and forth, bucking David off. David landed flat on his back, knocking the wind out of him as he lay in front of the Artificial, which he saw was still trying to remove the dagger that had managed to split open a major vein. He groaned, as moving any part of his body below the neck shot a wave of pain coursing through him. 

Looking to his left, David saw Nova, who was on her side facing away from him. He tried to get up and check on her but he was in too much pain. All he could do was move his head just enough to see what was going on around him. He laid there as he watched the Udpist rapidly losing blood, tainting the soil as it coughed up mounds of black liquid. He watched it fall to its hands and knees as it attempted to save some of its strength. Finally, he watched it collapse into a puddle of its own fluids as its body went limp.

David tried to move his body but was still unable to. He was much too sore from his fall. He turned his head towards Nova and called out to her.

“Nova! Nova, you can get up now, we got him!”

Her body wasn’t moving.

“Come on, Nova! Wake up!”

Still no response. In a flurry of panic, David used what strength he had left to get himself up from the ground. He ignored the pain caused by his movement as he stumbled his way towards his friend. He fell to his knees and turned Nova onto her back. Her eyes were still shut. David's mind began to unravel as he grabbed Nova’s shoulders and started to shake her, hoping it would work.

“Nova! Nova! Come on, wake up! It’s over, our mission is over now!”

He continued to call out and shake her body until gasping was heard. David ceased his shaking and cradled Nova’s head in his arms, using his knees for extra support. Nova coughed violently for a few moments until she was able to breathe normally once again. Her eyes opened to see David leaning over her, letting out a sigh of relief and wiping his eyes.

“Did you…did you get him?” Nova asked groggily. Her voice was a little raspy.

“Yeah, I got him. Mission complete.” David nodded and smirked.

“Good, I’m glad you…were able to.” Nova grinned and coughed again.

“You should save your strength. Just lay here until you feel that you can walk on your own.”

With that, the duo lay on the woodland’s floor in silence, with David making sure no harm came close to his wounded companion. Nova began to close her eyes for a nap as the sky began to turn red from the sun that had just begun to set.

“You know,” Nova spoke quietly. “I probably would’ve been fine without you shaking me like crazy.”

“Hey,” David chuckled slightly. “You did ask me to wake you up no matter what, right?”

“Yeah,” Nova began to snicker. “I guess I did say that…didn’t I?”

Nova’s smile carried on as she dozed off with her head resting in David’s arms. As the sun dipped under the horizon, David continued to watch over her as a Mercenary partner should do but in his heart, he did so because it’s what he knew Nova would have done for him.

Author's Note

Please let me know if any of the character dialogue or battle writing is poor, as these concepts are the core of this story. If they do not work properly, this story will be doomed to fail.

Reviews

[JayG]

One of the most critical points to writing fiction for the page is brevity, for reasons that are not obvious. Unlike film, where we get loads of information in parallel, the page is serial. On the stage or in film, in a heartbeat, we can see the protagonist’s expression, their body language, and gesture. In a moment their eyes, and tiny body motions tell us a story. And at the same time, we see how they’re dressed, which talks about social standing, the era where the story takes place, and their taste in clothing, which is a political statement of many of their views. And behind that, also being learned, is the environment, the setting, and the same kinds of information on everyone in camera view.

In a few seconds more we hear their voice and learn their mannerisms. We learn their emotional state through the dialog, and the emotion in their voice.

On the page we learn things one at a time. And if it takes longer to read about the character doing something than to watch them do it in a film the story will drag. But a picture, traditionally, takes a thousand words to present—and that’s a static picture. So one word that’s not absolutely necessary slow a story in a medium that’s inherently slow. Many of them can kill it.

And that leads to the advice given writers, that every line must set the scene, develop character, or move the plot—hopefully more then one of them at a time.

So with that in mind, lot’s look at the opening.

• As daylight shone on her face from between the evergreens’ many branches, Nova began to stir out of her slumber.

You used twenty words to tell the reader that the protagonist woke. In the line we learned that she was outside—scene setting. We learned her name. But we also learned that evergreens (a generic term) have many branches. Don’t readers already know that? And she didn’t wake in all that reading time, she just began to.

As a reader, why do I care how quickly she wakes? Why do I care if her eyes open at once or like creaky shutters, slowly? Does that matter to her character? The setting? The plot? To the scene? And have we learned if it’s morning light or simply that the sun moved to where the light hit her? No.

Couldn’t you have used eight words to say, “Daylight filtering through the branches brought Nova awake,” and have more impact?

You have to keep in mind that you cannot think cinematically when writing for the page because mentioning something to a reader is not equivalent to them seeing it.

And by describing what you visualize, the viewpoint is yours, not hers. In her viewpoint she woke and opened her eyes. Period, end of story.

• Slowly, she opened her light blue eyes and stretched as she examined her surroundings

Why do I care how quickly she opened her eyes? Why do I care what color her eyes are, at this point? And since you’re not there, how can you tell what color they are? I mention it because with that you clearly establish that we’re with you, hearing about her, making it your story. Moreover, if her eye color matters, the reader, who may only spend part of their lunchtime with you, will have forgotten by the time it becomes necessary knowledge.

The effect of that external approach, aside from distancing the reader from the scene, is that you tell us the generic, “She examined her surroundings.” In her viewpoint she looked around, which is done in a flick of the eye. And given that we don’t even know what she saw, why tell us she did it? You might as well tell us she woke and farted, because it’s no more, or less meaningful to the story. Stay in her viewpoint. Everything she says and does is done with purpose. But what you say is ABOUT her and the story, not OF it, because as an outside observer you’re dispassionate. And fair is fair. It is her story.

• Next to her was her blade which she was happy to have not needed during the night.

At this point the reader doesn’t know who she is as a person, or where she is in time and space. They don’t know what’s going on, the season, or what her reaction is to waking. And given that, what can the term “blade” mean to a reader? It could be a two handed Samari sword, a bronze knife, a harvesting blade, or anything else. If a reader doesn’t know the use she might have had for the blade why do they care to know she’s happy she didn’t have to use it?

Because you are telling this from your viewpoint, and in overview you don’t have her input. And because you don’t, she’ll simply do what you decide she should, based on the needs of the plot, not because of decisions she’s making in response to the situation. So you tell us she sighs heavily as she goes to look for her partner. You visualize it as happening once, but as phrased, she heads off into the woods huffing like a steam locomotive. But in her viewpoint, wouldn’t she think about where he was, rather than just wandering off? Wouldn’t she give a shout first, or whistle? Let her do the driving. And slip into the prompter’s booth where the narrator belongs.

After all, doesn’t it make sense to bring the reader on board, so we know where we are, what’s going on, and whose skin we’re wearing before you begin tossing concepts that are meaningless to the reader? If they knew who she is, and what’s going on, doesn’t her waking make more sense?

And that brings me to my point. It’s not a matter of good or bad writing. It’s that you’re missing an in-depth knowledge of HOW to present a story so as to have an impact on your reader. You’re TELLING a story to a reader who wanted you to make them feel as if they were living it as-her. And that specialized knowledge you’re missing—the craft of the fiction writer—is the learned part of the profession. It’s only peripherally related to the nonfiction writing skills we learn in our school days, and no more obvious to those outside the profession than are the secrets of a how a magic trick is done to those who watch.

Oviously, you’re working hard on this. You’ve put in a lot of time, and emotional dedication. You know and love your characters. And that’s great. You have the desire and the perseverance. But in our schooldays we’re taught to write reports, not novels, essays not fiction. And that’s what you need to fix, to give your story the best possible setting, and your reader the emotional experience they were hoping to have.

And to acquire that, I have several suggestions that may help get rid of the sturdy dray horse you were issued in your school days and replace it with Pegasus.

You might poke around in the writing section of my blog for a bit of background on the issues you need to dig into. There are a few stories there, too, to show what the effect of changing your approach might look like.

A very good idea would be to read a few books on technique and the nuts-and-bolts issues, to get a variety of professional opinions. The library’s fiction writing section can be a great help, and it’s free.

You also should download a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict from an online bookseller, or a hard copy from Deb’s site. It’s a warm, easy read, like having a conversation with Deb, and she’ll thoroughly ground you in the basic issues of writing fiction for the page.

I know this wasn’t what you were hoping to hear. Who would? And having been there I know it’s not easy to take after all that work. But it’s not about you or your talent, or the story. It’s not about good or bad writing, either. It’s about issues that no one mentions in our school days, that can be fixed in the way you “fixed” your current writing skills. Learning, practicing, and using that knowledge to create.

Hang in there, and keep on writing

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Cameron Simo]

I can certainly say one thing: this review has given me much to think about in terms of being better at...well, every aspect of writing.

I'll be the first to admit that the background I have pails in comparison to yours, leading to a vast skill difference and knowledge gap. I definitely write in an unorthodox way, and that's where I add detail (in this case, too much detail) and focus on things that may not serve a purpose.

I see each scene in my head, much like a film. Perhaps that's my greatest downfall, as I write what I see, what I want to be seen. I write what I focus on, what I want others to focus on. Literature is a much more subjective art form than that, and I only have my immaturity in this field to blame for that. As someone striving to become an English teacher and even publish a book (in my mind, I hope it's this one), you'd hope that I'd at least have the basics of how to write fiction down. As you've brought to light, that's far from the case.

My perspective is in the wrong scope, detail is far too wordy, characters aren't given significance quickly, and long story short, if someone doesn't care about anything in the first chapter, what motivates them to read on? I certainly can't blame you for any of the viewpoints in your review. The one at fault is myself. Long story short, I'm an amateur walking through the Hall of Fame. I'm a puppy trying to play with the big dogs. I'm the sprout growing under the shadows of trees.

Despite not being real, the characters deserve to have their story told, and taking that opportunity away from them in a moment of uncertainty and selfishness on my part is unfair. I understand your criticisms and I never would have expected someone of your caliber to even give this a passing glance. I've learned in the short amount of time I've been alive to use failure as my fuel source. In other words, the fire's burning brighter. The passion is stronger. The will remains unchanged.

If I'm an amateur with a doomed story due to technical errors, so be it. A captain always goes down with his ship, after all, and this story is my boat. I'm seeing this to the end. The characters deserve that much integrity. I value what you said and perhaps I may have misinterpreted a few of your points. However, being shoved into the ground or thrown into the rapids is how you learn to be better so if that's what it takes for me to get this right, bring it on. I'm ready to show what I've got.

[M P Ramesh]

Ssshakenbakee,

ExpectaTIONS , belief,realisation etc are the keen objectives , the writer has to satisfy with while indulging in the process of painful writing. It's painful indeed, not an entertainment. Its serious also. But this happens naturally only. The oracle inside the writer will supplement it with the words. Yhe words are dancing around you, it seems. You have the gift of narration.

I liked to read its magic.

Fine. The characters let loose by the writer seem to carry the reader/readers to the realms unknown. That is the result of good fiction. Here it surfaces.

I have no idea about your mother tongue and cultural background(not personally, but geographically).
But it is communicative. That is important.

Read good fiction. Don't stop with fiction. Like kingfisher dart in to poetry. A fictionist take his/her diction from poetry only, as far as I am concerned.


carry on................................


M P Ramesh

[Cameron Simo]

By the way your review is written, I unfortunately got lost a little bit. What I did pick up on is that you seemed to have enjoyed it, you believe that the characters are doing their part and that reading poetry can help me grow in writing. In regard to the first two points, I appreciate your kind words! As for the last, I will definitely keep an open mind about that and try it out to see how my writing improves. Carrying on I shall do, as the second chapter is soon to be released. Once again, I appreciate your review and I apologize if I missed a few key points. Correct me, please, if I've done so.

[M P Ramesh]

You said it as you have got it.

MPR