#1

i wrote it. Looking more introspective than i was really comfortable with.

The time has come to write about my day

I'll impress you with my words and the phrases that i say

i'm okay, and i don't claim to be more

guys like me tend to decorate every shelf of any store

 But if my lack of significance finds its way to your heart

maybe you're the glue to stop me from falling apart

It seems i do this all the time

and i long to make your breath mine

and i wont stop at anything

if you can handle my monotony

this time, i swear its the last line

I'll try to catch your ear 

and with clever words i'll steer

your eyes to mine

i do this every time

My boring babble is just a bubble of bad breath

and if we ever dance i guarantee to always be out of step

if it's genetice genetics i lack 

damn my parents to hell

they'll think twice their DNA and the horrors their son befell

my mind it tends to wander

my point is simply this

i would fight all the gods of Greece 

for one simple kiss

Author's Note

tell me what you think. i wanna hear your favorite lines and least. Thanks guys

Reviews

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

First, I liked this. It seemed very real. I get so sick and tired of these gushy love poems that portray perfection. It's just never possible. My favorite lines are:

"My boring babble is just a bubble of bad breath
and if we ever dance i guarantee to always be out of step"

All of the alliteration in the first line here is a little overwhelming at first, but it works to make the reader slow down. The second line works really well for me because it portrays the speaker as they really are.

I think this just needs cleaned up a bit. If you wanted to sit down with me and go over it sometime, I can help. It doesn't have to be perfect, maybe just help you to find your groove. Some writers break grammatical and capitalization rules all the time, but they keep it consistent. You just need to make it balance and work.

I do agree the different styles of stanzas can be a bit odd if someone wants a well shaped poem, but I think that it is more important for a poem to grow and change. Some of my favorite poems have this kind of drastic change.

You may want to avoid cliches a little more. I'm not saying the poem is cliche, but some of the images you used are a little. You don't have to change these completely, just make them your own. Like, "maybe you're the glue to stop me from falling apart." If you were to even tell us what kind of glue, like super glue or gorilla glue, that would get you far enough from cliche. I would extend the metaphor more myself, but that's just how I roll.

All around this is a nice piece of work. Please post more! Oh, and welcome to Writer's Cafe :)

[add459]

this is painfully honest. i hope sopme babe reads this and keeps you from falling apart. i like the last two lines. now that would be a herculean task! i hope you get a kiss.

i like the simple rymes. but the stanzas are quirky, they dont seem to adhear to any pattern. i give the reading a disjionted movement. i think that was what you were going for

if i was a babe id be impressed