lost

I lost myself and I'm not sure where I'm going.My heart,my mind and now my body all tortured in some way,some worry,some anger,some sadness and some furry.Tell me the answer to this all,is it just to wait..to change my thinking? Overcome my self hate...it's all boiled up to this point in my life..needing someone,hoping for comfort from the pain,losing my christanity faith. I don't know what I believe in anymore..in destiny,in luck?

Haunting experiences,addictions and mistakes,replaying how he cheated and lied to me,yearning for someone and my heart it just breaks...Over and over again,this depression has come,but never really left...it strangles me on the inside and shouts to me to make me deaf.All the self-empowerment,all the hope,it lasts for a few hours,days but then it's right back to mope.Tell me what I can do..I fake a smile,do kind acts and I feel good but only for a while. I want to eat without worry and kiss him as though he's only mine,I want to see the good in everything,I want to say this is my time to shine.

But then loneliness and the silence and my health disintegrates and I think this s**t at 22 is beyond overrated.To be happy to be carefree,to be without worries how?

I lost my morality to alcoholic mistakes, hateful parents and sleazy b******s who  took advantage,but I still found away to rise above it all.I had the surgery,many jobs,I rose up but yes I've had many falls.

I feel the wisdom in my voice..as I talk and I write but the heaviness in my heart..there just seems to be no cure..I dreamed and still long for a man who never wanted me..or no longer anymore.I wake up everyday asking why I couldn't make him change,why I can't give him happiness and yet when I'm not with him for a day,my mind and heart becomes deranged.

I asked myself why I had to come to this place..there were too many reasons,evident like the lines on my face.My health,my growth,my life at hand..to think that I'd have had a different destiny,if I'd gone to France.

But I met people,with him I rode and danced,the kisses no longer felt of love but lust..and I'd open my heart to him,though we were lacking trust.

Friendships were made and others were left,learning what love was,health and travel were all part of the test.

I started feeling writing today because I was lost..yet this has given me a therapeutic force..a calmning silence of sadness I feel,enduring pain and living without little zeal.To be strong,is to be brave,to overcome hurt is to not be a slave-to money,materials,people and more,so I'll sleep tonight with silence in the atmosphere and stillness in the floor.

To see what another day can bring