My worst enemy : Me

There's the girl,in her own cruel world.Dreamer I'd like to say..relatable in her own way.So many times,she feels as though life passes her by.She feels glued to a comfort zone,or that there aren't many opportunities that seem worth-while. It's a new year,a time for change she thought.But with all the family conflict and division,eminent semester at college and the loss of her favorite actor,she feels deranged.Something weighs her down,a lot actually,she doesn't know what exactly.That girl is me.

 I Talesha,I feel so lost,in and out.It's only now I realize how rare true happiness.Over the last few years,there hasn't been much peace.Just a lot of worry.To my unfortunate surprise,the things I worried about came true.Having to choose who I want to live with.My grandma or my mother.I chose my grandma of course.So mother hates me,she says I am nasty and ungrateful.She's bitter that she was summonsed to court since my grandma couldn't tolerate her behavior anymore.I mean,it was bad...always disturbing me when I'm studying.She didn't talk to my uncle and grandma because of some other drama.In a nutshell,she never lets go of things (I shouldn't be one to judge),but that's associate with immense hate,and bad-wishes for all of us at home.Then,my father well,when I do see him..every few months,it's cool.The real slap on the face is how much he loves his own family (other wife and daughter-my step family). It's life,I know..no pity required here,cause I myself find me pathetic and a poor excuse for a person.It's just that,some parents love their kids..and I mean my dad bought me stuff for school last night,he spent a lot of money and I'm grateful..even guilty for it.Thankfully,it's every once in a rare while that happens.I love my daddy,I wish he would come around more often,but I spoke to him already about it..didn't seep through.He knows close to nothing about me really,besides the basics.So he's got another baby on the way,I couple years ago,I'd take it pretty hard.It sucks though,cause I mean,my years of neglect..while he's living it up with his other kid and wife and yayy! Another kid.

Ad-mist this all,I see my health disintegrating,poly cystic ovaries,hormonal imbalance and hell of a lot of pain.I gain weigh,I lose weight and well more insecurity.In terms of my school life,I was once a good student in french and Spanish. Foreign languages were my life..got into college,only to realize I'm dumb in comparison to the rest.Seriously unaware.Half of the things I was supposed to learn in high school,my teachers didn't teach it..so I'm in year one and hating it.Up til last semester,I would cry in the bathroom about my stress and then with the lack of peace home,it made everything worse.I dreaded my classes,AND I still am,classes tomorrow..so unprepared.I wish I didn't have to get my degree.To be honest,I don't have any direction in my life anymore.I used to be determined,probably I still am..but I'm also cowardly,man I wish I didn't have to be who I am.I have these petty dreams of trying theatre and acting,doing a couple photo-shoots and reaching Hollywood.Not really for the superficial crap,just to earn some money,let a couple people know me..let me inspire a few,let me do charity and have some sort of say.That's why I love Paul Walker so much,so easy to connect to.He's gone now,sigh* I don't severely cry as I used to before.(December was the worst month of my life).Through my hopes,family and school trouble,the only thing I ever have to look forward to is to meet Paul,Cena and Austin.Paul's out of the equation,til I'm dead...And even then I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore.People around and it's like,I'm alone.I did get closer to God and I pray..Forever grateful for that.But,I swear,I consider people more than they consider me.It's my weak spot,I like to be there for people,make them laugh,be in their company.I can't go a day really,without thinking about my best friends.Yet,they can I'm sure.One will call,now and then,the other two,will message probably twice a month.But it's always me to message first call first.It's kinda sad.

I'm saying I have to love myself and I will wholeheartedly try.I will,I did say I want to get out my comfort zone.So again,if I'm not lazy and discouraged when I have free time,I'll try.Just so fed up of everything.I look at myself and I just hate me..my body,my negative ways.Not gonna reject myself,I do have some good qualities.What I dislike most,is that I shouldn't be complaining,because there are so much more out there suffering.My heart goes out to them..I pray for them everyday.And,if you reached this far.Well thank you,for your time.I don't know what this was,some sort of vent I guess.It's another lame Sunday,dreading the new semester which starts tomorrow.Sad over Paul,desperate for happiness and peace,which I can't attain,knowing the way my mother is bashing me.Plus,when she moves out..it'll be worse.I see people I know posting selfies,all happy,beautiful and cool.I know it's not good to compare yourself to others.But I hate pictures so much cause of how I look.Chubby cheeks,tummy..tall,sleepy-looking.The good thing is that the ocean is still the ocean,sports cars still exist and nature.I got power to change me,even though I feel powerless.Will try to fulfill my resolutions-Laugh,work hard,try new things,help others,love myself.The only time I'm happy is when I connect with friendly strangers or when I could help someone or they like my poetry.Everything else are tears and fears.It's gotten so horrible because I'm typing all this for strangers to read and see me.The intention is not to come across as attention crazed.I just wanted to vent.I have a few goodish days,and a lot of bad ones.That's life I guess.Perfectly imperfect.

Reviews

[Talesha]

A year and a few months later,it´s all different. The day after I wrote this,I met the most amazing person-my first real love.It turned out to be the best semester of my life. I had the most beautiful moments with him..I got to spend the most wonderful days and I never felt alone. I even got out of the comfort zone. It´s been five months I´m teaching and translating in Colombia.I improved in my foreign languages and I met a lot of amazing people.I still carry Paul in my heart and still fighting for those goodish days..doing a lot better.xoxox

[Shunny Houston]

Aww, this was a sad story. I guess that's why it's a real one. I hope your troubles come to past soon. Enjoyed the read, keep your head up. Good luck in school!

[Talesha]

Oh Thank you so much for reading :) The troubles come and go and come back again. Life huh smh lol

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

I can connect with you because I can relate. I have the same problem with my friends. I always put them first, I always help them with their issues. But when ever I'm upset they don't really care. Everyone has flaws and good qualities it comes with the territory. And you shouldn't compare your-self with others. Because your beautiful just the way you are. But every now and again I do the same thing too compare my- self with others. And I've always wanted to meet Cena in person too! Hahaha. Life without drama just wouldn't be life.

Love the write my friend! :D

Kaze~

[Talesha]

Kaze,you're a sweetheart.Thank you so much :) Life is just life.

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Thank you, and your welcome. :)