The Beginning

I wouldn't really call it a chapter but it is a start. So hopefully, there will be more to come.

So I was thinking to myself how would someone start a story like this. And then I thought, I guess the best way is to be honest. Right? The whole story is about being honest with yourself and learning that you are not alone. Everybody has at least one weakness! Let me explain.

                I believe that every single person struggles with some sort of a sin, whether it may be sex, lying, gossiping, murdering (hopefully not), anger, being gay, laziness, and so much more. So what's your weakness? Common be honest. And it's okay if you look at these examples and say to yourself “WOW........your only struggle with one of these...” Of course not! I said that everybody has at least one weakness meaning that the majority of people have much more than just one. In all cases we all did one of those sins. We may not always be tempted by every single sin, but we have done most of them at least once. When I say struggle I mean one or more sins that are always running through your head. The sins that you seem to always give in too. The ones that Satan has tricked us with and now we have stumbled into this lifestyle with these sins. We have become comfortable with them in our lives. Sad, huh? But that's the truth. We said yes to Satan that one time, and then after that we just kept saying yes until the day where we no longer had to say yes, but instead we just did it. So I guess this is where I will tell you my story.

I grew up with a large age gap between my siblings, and I'm not talking about 5 or 6 years, I’m talking about 8,9, and 10 years! I was always a few steps behind them. I don’t know why I really stumbled in on my sin, maybe because I felt unloved or an outcast in my own house. However, my parents and my siblings were extremely good and loving towards me. So the initial reason escapes my mind, for the moment, but maybe by writing this book I will learn the answers to some of the questions I have, like that one. I said yes once to Satan. That was all he needed to get control over my mind with lust. Funny huh? Most people don’t think about women having the problem with porn and lusting over men. However, that's what I struggle with. I look at a man and I think he must be looking at how attractive I am. Then I get these idea in my head. For instance, he must be a good kisser or look at those muscles!!

Although, I do get some ideas about strangers there has been one man in particular that I have struggled for years with. For identity reasons we will call him Mr. Z. Mr. Z went to my school and I had a crush on him for way too many years. I don't know  why I even liked him. He was very mean, disrespectful, and made me feel awful because he got under my skin. This meaning that one day he couldn't stop flirting with me, and the next he wouldn't talk to me at all. Leaving me wondering what I did wrong. Just the kind of guy you want right? Not! However many times I told myself he was bad news I felt somewhere deep inside my heart that he would change for me. He would become this completely other person and we would fall in love and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that's not what happened and it rarely does. I even remember my brother telling me to stay away from him, nevertheless, I was head over heels for him. So I spent my days lusting over this boy. Which lead me to other shameful things, but never sex with him, thankfully. I spent 3 years on this road to nowhere believing that maybe one day I would have a happily ever after  ending with him, it never came. Instead life got worse.

 My sister got engaged, and at the time it felt like the end of my world. I wasn't just losing a sister, I was losing a best friend. And anybody who has lost a really close friend, suddenly, knows how heart breaking it is. I started to become bitter, however, this is just the beginning of my story. At the end of grade 9 I told Mr. Z that I was crazy about him, and well he did one of the worst things you can do in that situation: he laughed. It wasn't a little chuckle or giggle. No it was a full out roaring laughter. It took every piece of courage I had in me to tell him and he just laughed, and then shrugged it off like it was nothing important. Like I was nothing important. I guess I should have seen it coming. Since he was the cool guy at school he had girls falling at his feet left, right, and center.  However, during the grade 9 I hadn't gotten what I thought was close to him. I thought we were friends. So it wasn't just a crush it was like at the same time I was losing a new friend. To make matters worse I realized that within a year or two my other two siblings would be married as well. Leaving me with just my two parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but they have a horrible marriage. They fight all the time and rarely get along. This would mean I would be in the middle of the mess. Having no siblings to help me meant I would be alone. Now if you are reading this you must think I'm lame or such a wimp. Many others have gone through far worse! But God gives different people different situations, and well this was mine.

When I had realized all of this, which did not take too long, I became bitter and mean. I began to hate everyone and felt abandoned. The worst thing was that I really felt like a complete alien in my own home. Every time I turned there was a couple and it would just remind me that I had no boyfriend and had never even been asked out never mind kissed. This of course made me feel unloved and a freak. At this point my whole world had collapsed. And this is not an exaggeration. The world I had built up around for years that included my siblings never leaving me, Mr. Z, true love, happy parents, and true friends seemed to all fall apart. And then there was my faith which appeared to be on edge of totally being destroyed. However, I know better that God doesn't give up that easy, He is very patient. He will wait three years till He pulls you back into His arms so you can't run from Him any longer.  And that's exactly what happened.

After my summer of misery there was one day when my mother came into my room. As usual I had been crying because my world had just fallen apart. I was listening to non Christian music. When she asked me if I was listening to Christian music I simply said no. How foolish! Okay, history review: my family had a strict Christian only music policy. When I was in grade 7 though I saw that all my friends were listening to non Christian music. Therefore, I must also have the right to do so. Wrong! Nevertheless, I listened to only non Christian music for three years and hid that little piece of information from my parents. See the connection yet? Well when I said no to my mother I assumed that she would force me to only listen to Christian music which simply was like "death". But instead of giving me a big lecture and yelling at me. She merely said "Well maybe you should". And that was it. That was all it took for me to open my heart to God again.

I realized that I had the honour of listening to Christian music! I was lucky to have such a gift and the music made me feel great! So than why on earth did I not want to listen to it? So I decided I was going to only listen to Christian music and that I was going to change my life around for God. Of course God did all of the work, but I was the one that had to let him change me. It wasn't easy. All my friends still listened to non Christian music, and it really felt like I was the only one who didn't. On top of that I had a big mix up with the school I was going to, and was forced to enrol in online schooling the next year. Which meant leaving behind everything I knew about school, and leaving my friends. Although, it also meant leaving Mr. Z which wasn't all that bad.  

So with this one question and with God in my heart my whole life began to change. New school, new friends, new faith, new relationships with both parents and siblings. At first I was terrified but then everything went fabulous. I began to be on fire for God! And I don't mean this little, "oh yeah I want to learn about God",  it was like I needed to know Him. I needed to listen to Christian music, read my bible, and talk/pray to him. Simply putting it I needed God in every part of my life. And it's the truth, we need God in every single part of our lives.

This is coming from a 20 year old who hasn't even experienced half her life yet, but I do know for certain, without a shred of doubt, that every single person needs God in every part of their lives. And I'm not saying that I got over my lusting. But then again who ever really fully conquers their sin so that it will never tempt them again? No one, that's who. We all are struggling with our weakness or weaknesses. Don't be ashamed that's part of being a Christian. We fight Satan.

If we didn't fight Satan, than wouldn't we be like everyone else? And doesn't God want us to be different? Doesn't He want us to be the salt? The point is that if we (Christians) stop fighting for God then that must mean were fighting for the other side. Which could only mean Satan. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean that these Christians become Satan worshipers or anything like that. I just mean that they are choosing to live with their sins. They are choosing to continue to sin, and to continue to push God away in that part of their lives. Genesis 4:7 sates "...But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have, but you must rule over it."

This is how I view it. When Satan tempts you he is knocking at your "minds" door. The first time you say yes to Satan's temptation he has his foot in your "minds" door. When you say yes again he begins to wedge his way into your mind. After continuing to say yes to him Satan has now successfully made it into your mind, and now it's going to be ten times harder to get him out! It would have been much easier if you had just said no to him the first time he knocked. However, the moment you start to say no to him you begin to have victory. You begin to rule over your sins instead of the other way around.

 Even though taking that one step to freedom is the most difficult thing you could ever do, when you do take it your one step closer. God came through to my heart through the music I listen too. So now I am motivated to continue to listen to music, because it is one of the things that sets me apart from whom I used to be. So even when I say yes to Satan when tempted with my weakness  I know that I am still apart from where I used to be. Meaning I can stay motivated to continue to fight. Another motivational thing I think is being different from everyone else. I want people to look at me and say "what's so different about her?" Because than I can say, simply, Jesus!

However, it would be nice to know that every women is matched with a man. That all marriages stay together and are filled with love. That's just moviefantasy and not real love. Sometimes I feel like everyone's doing it....why can't I? But then do I really want to be like everybody else? Oh sometimes life gets so confusing. And you try so hard to turn away from your sinful path but sometimes it just seems when you get stressed you run back to your old ways.

 Don't you love sin? HA! With every bone in my body I wish there was no such thing as lust. I wish that I never let Satan in. I wish that I was just a normal teenage girl who loved guys and not lusted for them. But maybe, just maybe, I am normal. This is not an excuse, however, people make really stupid mistakes. And maybe even though I have a problem with lust other people have problems with sin as well. My friends sin. They swear and gossip. Just like I do so maybe sometimes they lust. Or maybe lusting isn't their weakness and some other sin is. Don't be too hard on yourself in less its needed. Maybe I need to be hard on myself in certain areas but then less hard in others. I don't know. Right now I am confused to the max! And I think that's okay because everyone gets confused and that's when we have to realize to stop relying on our knowledge and start relying on God's.

The hard part is getting started. To let go of the thing you want, and to be honest with yourself. You want to do whatever it is that Satan's got you hooked on. We say "I can stop whenever I want to" but the problem is we don't want to. And can we really stop? Or are we so deep in the trouble that we lose the control and give it to Satan? I will tell you one thing I wish I never stumbled on my sin. I regret it almost every day because it's a constant struggle.

Oh don't you wish you could just be able to not ever sin again? You could have this easy life that you never have to fight Satan or yourself about your weakness? Well I do! I want to scream half the time because I feel like such a failure. Do you ever feel so messed up that you can't be fixed or question why you are this way? Well believe me you're not alone! You can be assured that I think this way a few times but I have learnt that it is another lie from Satan. Everyone struggles with sin and all sin is the same in this aspect. They are all diseases/drugs  that eat a person up. The "drug" makes us feel good but it leaves us worse off than what we were originally feeling. Funny how even though we know it will cause us more harm than good we still turn to it.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so foolish. Really, does it make sense that we always go back to our sin when it leaves us felling broken and horrible about ourselves? Of course not! But I can't count how many times I have done it. Sad huh? Well I guess that's the trap and sadly I feel like I am stuck in this vicious cycle of sinning than asking for forgiveness, and then repeating until I feel numb. I heard a song the other day and it said "I don't want to live through the motions...." It makes you think how much we are living through the motions? We sin, we ask for forgiveness. Then we sin again, so exactly how sorry are we if we are not willing to turn away from our sin?

 Life can be so torturous. Have you ever noticed that your one weakness seems to be everywhere you turn? Like think about it this way if you are like me with lust it is everywhere! It is in advertising, books, music, movies, and conversations with people. It is at every corner. Now think about the weakness food or gossiping. I think that since it's your weakness you tend to notice it much more than everybody else. However, it makes you wonder how can one fight all their weaknesses? I am lustful, lazy, impatient, and more. But those are the big ones I can think about now. It is so tiring to continually have to fight all these, and by the end of the day you're mentally exhausted!

Sometimes when I wake up I just want to crawl back into bed, because I know I have to fight against myself and Satan. And I'm already tired of it by just thinking about it. Scary huh. But it's true isn't it? I don't know much. All I know is what I have experienced and what God tells me.

I wish i could tell you that it was as easy as saying "no" once and then all your problems were solved. However, sadly I have turned back more times than I'd like to admit. My challenge to you is that you stay strong don't ever give up! If you fall remember that God's there to pick you up and start over. If you fall again you just need to remember to start over again. No matter how many times always remember that at least your fighting!

I am not saying that a Christian who does not fight is worth nothing. I am saying that the ones who do not fight here's a question to them. What makes you different? This is what keeps me motivated. I ask myself what makes me different from the world if I do this? When Christians listen to non-Christian music what makes them different? If Christians swear what makes them different? No one can tell that that person is any different than a non Christian in less they tell them. I don't want to be like that. I want people to see me and question what makes her so different? Why does she not swear? Why does she listen to that music? I have done so many things wrong in my life, and I have made a lot of mistakes. I hope that you don't have this same experience, but I'm sure that everybody has to some point.

 Life is hard. If it were easy we wouldn't learn anything though. I would have never learnt how sin can be a drug that makes you feel good for a moment, but then eats you alive and destroys your body. I wish I hadn't learnt the hard way. Then again, I question would I have ever listened to someone if they told me? Maybe. That's why I'm writing this though. I want you to know that it's not a joke. Sin destroys you, and it makes you so miserable you can't even understand it unless you have been through it. Just keep telling yourself that no matter what, God's got you.  And you are a Christian which makes up the biggest part of who you are, because being a Christian is not just a religion but it is a lifestyle. Don't ever forget that. It is your lifestyle! Christianity is about living as an example of Jesus Chris,t and it is not just a part-time job, but a full commitment to him. It's hard, but I encourage you to strive for it. When you are living for Christ you feel an indescribable joy, and until you have experienced it you have no idea what you are missing out on.

I strongly recommend that you read "The Signal Woman" by Mandy Hale. You don't need a man to rescue you from your life. Because a man will not make your life all of a sudden better and worth while. Only Jesus Christ saves and you need to be able to be to be complete on your own. Like Mandy says in her book, you want a man to compliment you, not complete you.

I struggled a long time with that thinking. Wanting a white knight in shinning armor to come rescue me. When in reality I always held that power. I always had the option to say "No" to Satan and to let God change me from the inside out. The first step is the hardest and yet it is the most simple. You have to be willing to let your past be in the past and move on to bigger and better things. Once you realize that you are worthy and an amazing person, and that you don't need a man to make you happy you actually become happy. You just need Jesus. As cheesy as that sounds, its the truth. Think about it. How can an imperfect person who has their own problems make your life perfect? They simply can't. But someone who has created you in His own perfect image can!

Author's Note

So again just ignore all the grammar problems and spelling mistakes. I just wanted to share my heart with young girls who struggle with the same things I do. I wanted to let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to turn around to find it.

Reviews

[Kenneth Nicholas Lowe]

This is quite a good writ....needs more structure to it...