Amidst an Empty Sky

Intelligence is out there, and against all the odds... it's playful.

Amidst an empty sky, 

beyond the clouds and any moon, 

two celestial beings glimmered in majestic beauty. 

To the naked eye, though none could see, 

the golden sunlight bounced off every 

thousand sequins embedded in the skin of 

the sleeker of the two as it rotated childishly 

upon its axis. 

Contrasted to near invisibility beside this 

feminine beauty, the other appeared completely still. 

Though the light of the nearest star 

reached both their surfaces, the second 

seemed to absorb it nearly entirely. 

Its outline was lost against the black 

infinity beyond, but its skin was pierced 

in a million places by an internal light.

 

As they grew slowly closer, 

the darker beast extended a stiff arm 

towards the golden gown of its companion 

as if inviting her to dance. 

Without a moment’s hesitation, 

the fair lady roamed within reach of her mate 

and clasped firmly to the outstretched hand, 

dragging him into her spin.

No warmth was exchanged.

 

Author's Note

Story, poem, whatever. Hope you enjoyed it.

Reviews

[oneartyom]

I love the physical layout of this piece, writing is an art and it's fantastic to physically embody that. This line's wording confused me a bit, what were you going for here? I think maybe it's the 'every' transitioning into the word 'thousand'..

"the golden sunlight bounced off every
thousand sequins embedded in the skin of "

[TLK]

Typo in title.

Second line is a little confusing to me, as I would say that clouds = not empty sky.

There are a few more inconsistencies. I think that the issue of the reader being shown the invisible needs a little more clarification. A being that absorbs light, and therefore has no outline, but then radiates an internal light defies my understanding of the physics of radiation and the sensing thereof (but, of course, you might be going for this). Also, you CAN see the outline of black holes, by how they blot out the stars behind it.

I enjoyed the final image, after my personal reservations about the setup. I almost imagine the black/embracing object as whirling off the light of the shining/spinning object, like a super-massive black hole eating the galaxy.

However, it's the last line that is the killer. I feel that you are trying to pull us into some idea of a sky-set intergalactic love tryst between unfathomable beings. That you suddenly subvert this makes this seeing of the unseeable truly alien and cosmically cold.

[Spoon]

GAAARH how the hell did I miss that mistake in the title???

I see your point in line two. My intention is to put them beyond the atmosphere, but I'll work on that line.

As I am here having to explain the intent of this piece shows that there is still much work to be done. If you can be bothered helping me make it clearer I would appreciate it, but your review so far is a great help.

The idea is that these are not living things but the first encounter of Humanity with an alien race, and each of the two beings is actually the vessel in which they travel.

More work to do!