Completed: Chapter 1 Part 1 "Excitement and Irritation"

Part 1 of Chapter 1

      Ga-chink! Ga-chink. Ga…chink. The train slowed to a stop at the station, where many passengers, including a young girl, waited to board. Before it opened its doors, the girl took out ear buds and put them in her ears. She brought out her iPod and scrolled down a list of music. Bing bong! People rushed out as the doors slid open. She pressed a button to play her favorite song, and then quickly shoved the iPod in her jacket pocket before she lost it in the crowd. The girl took a step toward the open doors, and was thrust forward by the mob of people behind her. She was shoved and elbowed, and ended up pressed against the exterior of the train, but she didn’t get angry when no one apologized. This was the usual. She waited for everyone to board the train and then got on. Bing bong! The train doors closed.

   The girl looked around for a seat, but none were available. She walked to a window and grasped the metal armrest of the nearby seat. She glanced at the window and noticed her reflection staring back at her. Outside, the sun was setting, and the vast sky glowed a brilliant orange. Thoughts ran through her mind while the music gently played in the background.

    Why does my life feel so unsatisfying? I have a best friend I can trust, a great family, and I get good grades in school. I have no troubles or worries, and I can play games and watch anime to my heart’s content. But why do I feel like I am missing a piece in my life? Just what am I lacking? What don’t I have? Is this something I crave? Is what I crave and lack is the same thing? I’ve never felt this way before, so why now? Why now?"

   An announcement from the train conductor interrupted her thoughts. “We are at Shinjuku Station. Passengers, please get off the train if this is your stop. I repeat, we are at Shinjuku Station. Please get off if this is your stop.” The girl exited the train and left the station.

 

    She walked her usual route, taking in the scenery of the familiar houses, and the people she saw on a day-to-day basis. She stopped in front of a silver gate and took off the ear buds, dropping them and the iPod into her lavender bag. The girl pushed open the gate, walked to the front door, and opened it with a slight twist of her keys.

 

   Once inside, she shut the door and took off her shoes, placing them neatly next to two small pairs of sneakers. Putting on some slippers, she called out, “Back from school. I’m home.” She heard light footsteps thudding down the stairs.

  

    A little girl and a small boy, identical twins, appeared at the foot of the stairs. In high, cheery voices, they chirped, “Welcome home, big sister Eiko!”

 

   Eiko grinned and walked over to the young twins, bending down to pat their heads. “I see big brother already picked you guys up. How was school today? Did you have fun, Fumiko, Shinji?”

“You know, today something amazing happened! Do you want to know what?” Fumiko asked. She was practically jumping, so hard it was to contain her enthusiasm.

    “I want to know. Tell me,” said Eiko.

“Okay! I’ll tell you,” said Fumiko excitedly. “Today in class, we had a new student, and me and Shinji became friends with him. Right, Shinji?”

Shinji nodded. “We also shared each other’s lunches and th"”

Eiko interrupted Shinji. “Shinji, I’m sorry for cutting you off, but I need to do homework. You can tell me the rest later. I promise I will listen.”

Shinji frowned. “It’s okay. I know. But don’t forget, you promised to listen to me, big sister Eiko!”

“Alright. I promise you,” said Eiko. “Did you guys finish your homework?”

“Yes,” they both replied. Fumiko sulked. “I was hoping we would play together.”

 Eiko smiled apologetically. “Sorry. I’ll play with you guys tomorrow, so for today, you two play together.”

Fumiko crossed her arms. “Fine, but you have to play with us tomorrow!”

“Okay,” said Eiko.

Shinji pulled on Fumiko’s arm. “Come on, Fumiko. Stop bothering big sister. You know she doesn’t always have time to play, but she always keeps her promises. Big sister, please finish your homework quickly. We’ll go and play.”

Fumiko nodded her head. The twins went into the living room. “Have fun!” said Eiko.

 

Eiko walked up the stairs to her bedroom and tossed her bag on the floor, next to her desk. She let herself fall backwards on the soft bed, put her hand over her forehead, and sighed.

My life is already perfect the way it is, so why? Why do I feel so unsatisfied? Why do I still feel like my life needs more…more of what? Eiko grabbed a nearby pillow and started rolling back and forth, wrinkling her bed sheets. I’m so confused! She stopped, threw the pillow back on the bed, and buried her face into the pillow.

Eiko kicked at her bed and moaned loudly. “I JUST DON’T GET IT!” Mentally exhausted, she turned over and lay flat on her back. She stared at the clock on the windowsill by the bed, and watched its hands move. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ti" “Hey, what’s wrong?” a low voice called out.

 

Startled, Eiko immediately sat up on her bed. She saw a figure leaning in her doorway. “Big brother! You scared me! Knock on the door next time you come in.”

He folded his arms and smirked. “Oh, is that how you greet your big brother? Whose fault was it that the door was wide open? Hmm? You were making so much noise, I could hear you downstairs.”

“I am very sorry for not closing the door,” said Eiko sarcastically. Folding her arms, too, she said with an arrogant tone, “But it’s also your fault for barging into someone else’s room without permission. You could’ve at least knocked so I knew you were there.”

Her brother stared as her with his head tilted to one side. He walked up to her and proceeded to pinch her cheeks. Eiko mumbled, “b-big bruh-der  Kem-shim sh-dap!”

“What did you say? I can’t hear you?” he said mockingly.

            Eiko glowered in anger and began hitting her brother.

He laughed and said, “Alright, alright, I’ll stop, since you’re my cute little sister. Sorry.”

He let her go and sat on the bed beside her. Eiko’s cheeks were red and stinging, and she glared at her brother.

“I said I was sorry.” Eiko turned and pouted. Kenshin decided to bring up another subject. “So how’s school, Eiko?”

“Same as always. How about you?” Eiko grunted.

Kenshin said in a disappointed voice, “Same, nothing really interesting happened.”

They sat in silence.

 

Eiko went to the window and pulled aside the curtains. She stared at the pink-orange sky.

“Hey, big brother. Have you ever felt like your life isn’t fully complete?”

Kenshin thought for a moment and said, “Well, sometimes I feel like life gets a little boring because it’s the same thing every day. But, when you do discover something new, something you never experienced before, you get an amazing feeling. You keep looking forward to the next day, for the next special thing to happen. And you never get sick of waiting.”

Eiko faced Kenshin and said with curiosity, “And what is this thing that makes you enjoy life so much?”

“It’s…” He stuck his tongue at her and said, “I can’t tell you. You just have to figure it out yourself.”

Eiko stared at him, dumbfounded. Kenshin got up from the bed. “Well, I have a lot of work to do. Don’t be so loud now.” 

Grabbing him by the back of his shirt, Eiko said with an edge of aggressiveness in her voice, “Hey! Wait a moment. Who said you could leave?” Kenshin turned around in surprise. “After telling me all that, you’re not going to finish what you were saying? Huh? Big brother?” She leaned in toward his face with wide eyes and gave a sinister smile.

            Kenshin looked down at her with alarm. “What’s up with you today? You’re acting really weird.”

            “Just finish what you were saying before about enjoying life!” shouted Eiko.

“Okay! Just let go of me!” said Kenshin. She released her grip.

            Kenshin sighed. “This thing that helps you enjoy life…it’s a wonderful thing, but it can also drive you to madness. At times, you will do crazy things without a second thought. You can’t help it, and you can’t stop it. It’s not in your control, but you don’t care because you’re unbelievably happy. That’s all.”

            Puzzled, Eiko said, “What the heck is that? I have no clue what you are talking about.”

 

   

Kenshin pointed at Eiko and said with a triumphant flourish, “You’ll know soon enough. It’ll come when it’ll come, so don’t worry. Don’t think so much about it.” He patted her head. “Well, I have homework to do.” He walked out of the room and went to his own bedroom, shutting the door tightly.

            “W-wait.” said Eiko belatedly.

She repeated what Kenshin said to herself. “It’ll come when it’ll come…it’ll come when…” She started pulling on her hair in frustration. “I will know it eventually, don’t worry?!” She began chuckling to herself. Her laughs increased in volume. “I don’t freaking get it! I will know it soon? Hah! Yeah, right!” She fell back on her bed.

 

Hello. My name is Eiko and I am a high school girl, and at sixteen years old, I am facing the biggest problem of my life!

Preview: So, what is the thing that Eiko lacks? Find out what happens to her (and other new characters!) in chapter 1, part 2 of “Completed.”

Chapter 1: “Excitement and Irritation” part 2

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems,and give me a review of what do you think of it?,or is it interesting?This is Part 1 of Chapter 1.Thank you for waiting patiently for part 1 of chapter 1. hoped you liked it and please be patient for Part 2 of Chapter 1.I will try my best to post part 2 as soon as I can.I know Part 1 is boring because it's the beginning but I guarantee you it will get better the next part and so on.Thank you for those who viewed my summary of this story.I was happy by the views but I wanted a some more reviews.So,please review!I don't mind if it's negative or positive.I will be glad that people take notice of it.Thank you for wasting your time on this story!Sorry if I type a lot.well,thank you again!new edited version of part 1.I thanked my cousin for her awesome editing skills.

Reviews

[AmateurWriter01]

This is good, I am pretty sure I already figured out what is missing from her life. They do seem like the normal anime family you see. You did an excellent job with that. Sorry I am slow getting around to reading this. I have been very distracted as of late.

[Nariko]

How were you late? Thank you for your review and it's a bit of a cliche story.

[Kate]

Superb story, i felt as if i was in a dreamland while reading this.. brilliant

[Nariko]

That's sweet of you to say :) Thank you~

[Kate]

u welcome u welcome u welcome

[Hef]

I'd say continue working on Part 1 of Chapter 1. I find that writing a part, while there is work to be done in a previous one, gets a bit redundant as you change bits of the previous part in editing. Focus on this one part or rather, this one chapter in its entirety. Aside from that bit of advice, you have a great start. Now, keep grinding until the words you've typed effect the audience in an impact-full way.

[Nariko]

Well I planned on splitting the chapter in 3 parts because I didn't want to strain the reader's eyes and it would seem way too long to put in just one page. I appreciate your advice! Thank you

[JordanIsaacSmith]

Fantastic piece of writing and great story. I'd have organised the sentence structure a little differently, but that's just me! I like a fairly complex sentence structure. There are a few grammar mistakes and a couple of spelling mistakes that I noticed. Other than that keep up the great work.

[Nariko]

thanks for your review. sorry about the few grammar and spelling mistakes but I am glad you enjoyed it.I appreciate it.

[❀Subaru_Nyaa!
..]

The thing I found in the second chunk is that it's hard to follow up with the sentence the characters are saying.I don't know,maybe its just me but for me it's easier to read if it's like this:

"Yo! Kuroha!" Haru wave his hands at Kuroha as he slowly walked towards him,and Kuroha replied with,
"What's up? Haru" Kuroha fist bumped with Haru as they laughed without a reason.While Kuroha and Haru were laughing,Mashiro walked in the room and greeted Kuroha and Haru,
"Good Morning,You two."

The thing I wrote there is how I write mine,for me it's easier to read that way but I don't know for other people.I am not saying that you should force yourself to change the things you don't want to change.I am just saying that it's hard for me to read it.I don't know if other people will be the same because every people has different of how they want their things.If you want to keep it that way,I don't mind,I'll just do my best to read it.

P.S:Don't force yourself to change the way you write,just do it the way you want it to be

[Nariko]

I understand.Sorry If my sentences confuse you.I appreciate your thought to tell me the mistakes I make.I agree with you.Some people don't find it hard to read but some do.I will try to fix it in my future chapters.I hope I can give you an easier time to read.I am really bad with grammer.And always thanks for your great advice to help me fix my mistakes.I won't force myself to change the way I write.I choose the way I want to write.If I forced myself then it wouldn't be fun anymore to create stories.

[❀Subaru_Nyaa!
..]

puts it her ears = Puts it on her ears
That is the only thing I found in the first pharagraph that needs repairs
Sorry,this is all I can read for now,my eyes hurts due to the small letters.I'll keep on reading when my eyes stops hurting.

[Nariko]

It's alright. Take your time reading it. I apologize for the small font. It was my first chapter. Thanks for your review.