Completed: Chapter 1 Part 1 "Excitement and Irritation"

Part 1 of Chapter 1

      Ga-chink! Ga-chink. Ga…chink. The train slowed to a stop at the station, where many passengers, including a young girl, waited to board. Before it opened its doors, the girl took out ear buds and put them in her ears. She brought out her iPod and scrolled down a list of music. Bing bong! People rushed out as the doors slid open. She pressed a button to play her favorite song, and then quickly shoved the iPod in her jacket pocket before she lost it in the crowd. The girl took a step toward the open doors, and was thrust forward by the mob of people behind her. She was shoved and elbowed, and ended up pressed against the exterior of the train, but she didn’t get angry when no one apologized. This was the usual. She waited for everyone to board the train and then got on. Bing bong! The train doors closed.

   The girl looked around for a seat, but none were available. She walked to a window and grasped the metal armrest of the nearby seat. She glanced at the window and noticed her reflection staring back at her. Outside, the sun was setting, and the vast sky glowed a brilliant orange. Thoughts ran through her mind while the music gently played in the background.

    Why does my life feel so unsatisfying? I have a best friend I can trust, a great family, and I get good grades in school. I have no troubles or worries, and I can play games and watch anime to my heart’s content. But why do I feel like I am missing a piece in my life? Just what am I lacking? What don’t I have? Is this something I crave? Is what I crave and lack is the same thing? I’ve never felt this way before, so why now? Why now?"

   An announcement from the train conductor interrupted her thoughts. “We are at Shinjuku Station. Passengers, please get off the train if this is your stop. I repeat, we are at Shinjuku Station. Please get off if this is your stop.” The girl exited the train and left the station.

 

    She walked her usual route, taking in the scenery of the familiar houses, and the people she saw on a day-to-day basis. She stopped in front of a silver gate and took off the ear buds, dropping them and the iPod into her lavender bag. The girl pushed open the gate, walked to the front door, and opened it with a slight twist of her keys.

 

   Once inside, she shut the door and took off her shoes, placing them neatly next to two small pairs of sneakers. Putting on some slippers, she called out, “Back from school. I’m home.” She heard light footsteps thudding down the stairs.

  

    A little girl and a small boy, identical twins, appeared at the foot of the stairs. In high, cheery voices, they chirped, “Welcome home, big sister Eiko!”

 

   Eiko grinned and walked over to the young twins, bending down to pat their heads. “I see big brother already picked you guys up. How was school today? Did you have fun, Fumiko, Shinji?”

“You know, today something amazing happened! Do you want to know what?” Fumiko asked. She was practically jumping, so hard it was to contain her enthusiasm.

    “I want to know. Tell me,” said Eiko.

“Okay! I’ll tell you,” said Fumiko excitedly. “Today in class, we had a new student, and me and Shinji became friends with him. Right, Shinji?”

Shinji nodded. “We also shared each other’s lunches and th"”

Eiko interrupted Shinji. “Shinji, I’m sorry for cutting you off, but I need to do homework. You can tell me the rest later. I promise I will listen.”

Shinji frowned. “It’s okay. I know. But don’t forget, you promised to listen to me, big sister Eiko!”

“Alright. I promise you,” said Eiko. “Did you guys finish your homework?”

“Yes,” they both replied. Fumiko sulked. “I was hoping we would play together.”

 Eiko smiled apologetically. “Sorry. I’ll play with you guys tomorrow, so for today, you two play together.”

Fumiko crossed her arms. “Fine, but you have to play with us tomorrow!”

“Okay,” said Eiko.

Shinji pulled on Fumiko’s arm. “Come on, Fumiko. Stop bothering big sister. You know she doesn’t always have time to play, but she always keeps her promises. Big sister, please finish your homework quickly. We’ll go and play.”

Fumiko nodded her head. The twins went into the living room. “Have fun!” said Eiko.

 

Eiko walked up the stairs to her bedroom and tossed her bag on the floor, next to her desk. She let herself fall backwards on the soft bed, put her hand over her forehead, and sighed.

My life is already perfect the way it is, so why? Why do I feel so unsatisfied? Why do I still feel like my life needs more…more of what? Eiko grabbed a nearby pillow and started rolling back and forth, wrinkling her bed sheets. I’m so confused! She stopped, threw the pillow back on the bed, and buried her face into the pillow.

Eiko kicked at her bed and moaned loudly. “I JUST DON’T GET IT!” Mentally exhausted, she turned over and lay flat on her back. She stared at the clock on the windowsill by the bed, and watched its hands move. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ti" “Hey, what’s wrong?” a low voice called out.

 

Startled, Eiko immediately sat up on her bed. She saw a figure leaning in her doorway. “Big brother! You scared me! Knock on the door next time you come in.”

He folded his arms and smirked. “Oh, is that how you greet your big brother? Whose fault was it that the door was wide open? Hmm? You were making so much noise, I could hear you downstairs.”

“I am very sorry for not closing the door,” said Eiko sarcastically. Folding her arms, too, she said with an arrogant tone, “But it’s also your fault for barging into someone else’s room without permission. You could’ve at least knocked so I knew you were there.”

Her brother stared as her with his head tilted to one side. He walked up to her and proceeded to pinch her cheeks. Eiko mumbled, “b-big bruh-der  Kem-shim sh-dap!”

“What did you say? I can’t hear you?” he said mockingly.

            Eiko glowered in anger and began hitting her brother.

He laughed and said, “Alright, alright, I’ll stop, since you’re my cute little sister. Sorry.”

He let her go and sat on the bed beside her. Eiko’s cheeks were red and stinging, and she glared at her brother.

“I said I was sorry.” Eiko turned and pouted. Kenshin decided to bring up another subject. “So how’s school, Eiko?”

“Same as always. How about you?” Eiko grunted.

Kenshin said in a disappointed voice, “Same, nothing really interesting happened.”

They sat in silence.

 

Eiko went to the window and pulled aside the curtains. She stared at the pink-orange sky.

“Hey, big brother. Have you ever felt like your life isn’t fully complete?”

Kenshin thought for a moment and said, “Well, sometimes I feel like life gets a little boring because it’s the same thing every day. But, when you do discover something new, something you never experienced before, you get an amazing feeling. You keep looking forward to the next day, for the next special thing to happen. And you never get sick of waiting.”

Eiko faced Kenshin and said with curiosity, “And what is this thing that makes you enjoy life so much?”

“It’s…” He stuck his tongue at her and said, “I can’t tell you. You just have to figure it out yourself.”

Eiko stared at him, dumbfounded. Kenshin got up from the bed. “Well, I have a lot of work to do. Don’t be so loud now.” 

Grabbing him by the back of his shirt, Eiko said with an edge of aggressiveness in her voice, “Hey! Wait a moment. Who said you could leave?” Kenshin turned around in surprise. “After telling me all that, you’re not going to finish what you were saying? Huh? Big brother?” She leaned in toward his face with wide eyes and gave a sinister smile.

            Kenshin looked down at her with alarm. “What’s up with you today? You’re acting really weird.”

            “Just finish what you were saying before about enjoying life!” shouted Eiko.

“Okay! Just let go of me!” said Kenshin. She released her grip.

            Kenshin sighed. “This thing that helps you enjoy life…it’s a wonderful thing, but it can also drive you to madness. At times, you will do crazy things without a second thought. You can’t help it, and you can’t stop it. It’s not in your control, but you don’t care because you’re unbelievably happy. That’s all.”

            Puzzled, Eiko said, “What the heck is that? I have no clue what you are talking about.”

 

   

Kenshin pointed at Eiko and said with a triumphant flourish, “You’ll know soon enough. It’ll come when it’ll come, so don’t worry. Don’t think so much about it.” He patted her head. “Well, I have homework to do.” He walked out of the room and went to his own bedroom, shutting the door tightly.

            “W-wait.” said Eiko belatedly.

She repeated what Kenshin said to herself. “It’ll come when it’ll come…it’ll come when…” She started pulling on her hair in frustration. “I will know it eventually, don’t worry?!” She began chuckling to herself. Her laughs increased in volume. “I don’t freaking get it! I will know it soon? Hah! Yeah, right!” She fell back on her bed.

 

Hello. My name is Eiko and I am a high school girl, and at sixteen years old, I am facing the biggest problem of my life!

Preview: So, what is the thing that Eiko lacks? Find out what happens to her (and other new characters!) in chapter 1, part 2 of “Completed.”

Chapter 1: “Excitement and Irritation” part 2

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems,and give me a review of what do you think of it?,or is it interesting?This is Part 1 of Chapter 1.Thank you for waiting patiently for part 1 of chapter 1. hoped you liked it and please be patient for Part 2 of Chapter 1.I will try my best to post part 2 as soon as I can.I know Part 1 is boring because it's the beginning but I guarantee you it will get better the next part and so on.Thank you for those who viewed my summary of this story.I was happy by the views but I wanted a some more reviews.So,please review!I don't mind if it's negative or positive.I will be glad that people take notice of it.Thank you for wasting your time on this story!Sorry if I type a lot.well,thank you again!new edited version of part 1.I thanked my cousin for her awesome editing skills.

Reviews

[AmateurWriter01]

This is good, I am pretty sure I already figured out what is missing from her life. They do seem like the normal anime family you see. You did an excellent job with that. Sorry I am slow getting around to reading this. I have been very distracted as of late.

[Nariko]

How were you late? Thank you for your review and it's a bit of a cliche story.

[richieb]

Nariko,
Good introduction, easy flow to story. Dialogue was strong with sprinkling of descriptions. The story is set up to get to the meat of the plot. Will read more.
Blessings,
Richie b.

[Heather]

It's a very cute story! Reminds me of myself a little when I was that age haha. And I'd love to read what happens next!

[Fanicia E.]

I wouldn't mind seeing what happens next, but I also wouldn't mind everything being a bit more descriptive, like how the character looks or what her favorite song is. Those little details can help give the reader a better idea of the protagonist's personality. (Like if Eiko is skipping to the train loudly humming "Into You" by Ariana Grande, and is so oblivious to her surroundings that she narrowly avoids running into someone, I would assume her to be a bubbly, clumsy type.) However, I did like reading it, and i'm excited to see what you will reveal about Eiko next.

[Shobana Gomes]

You have captured the feeling of "something missing" quite well here. Enjoyed reading the story.

[Metaphantom]

You encapsulate a story of one girl, with something everyone can relate to often. Relative stories for others will find intriguing and want to read more and more of as they find themselves in the character. What everyone can relate to is: we always thing a piece of us is missing, the fact of the matter is nothing is actually missing ever. We are programmed to fill a void that isn't their to be filled with anything, we need that space for the consciousness we will gain throughout the journey of life. Not so much pertaining to the story, and I don't want to get off topic. This was a good read and interesting.

[JayG]

• Ga-chink! Ga-chink. Ga…chink.

Think about it. You just placed effect, the noise, before its cause. So what will your reader assume it to be, and what odds will you give that they’ll guess a train? In my case, I’ve been riding trains for many decades, and I have never heard one make a noise that I might call, Ga-chink. I assumed it was a bullet hitting masonary.

Never, never, never open with sound effects. Why? Because only you can hear them. Only you know what’s making them. Only you know where we are, who we are, and what’s going on. And if that’s not enough, opening with this, in and of itself, is a guaranteed rejection should you submit the story to a publisher.

Sound effects are chancy enough on the page. But this is, like opening with the weather, an interest killer.

• The train slowed to a stop at the station, where many passengers, including a young girl, waited to board.

When you read this you have a clear mind-picture of who she is, where she is in time and space, and why she’s traveling. You know her name, her age, her dress and social status, plus her history. So as you read, each line acts as a pointer to images, memories, ideas, plot, and more, all residing in your mind, awaiting the stimulis that will bring them alive. But what about your reader? They’re a blank slate, awaiting the magic within your words, that will draw that picture. So for them, and because you provide no context, each line acts as a pointer to images, memories, ideas, plot, and more, all residing in YOUR mind, awaiting the stimulis that will bring them alive. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to place those things into the reader’s mind, so the words have something to work with?

Making things worse, as you read, the voice in your head, driven by your intent for HOW the story is to be told, is alive with emotion. More than that, you, without thinking, add the proper facial expressions, gestures, and body language. But when you release your words into the world, intent is lost, so it’s the words and any emotion inherent to a given word, plus punctuation. The performance is missing, because our medium doesn’t support either sound or picture. Have your computer read it aloud for you and you’ll hear how different it sounds to a reader.

You can tell the reader how she speaks a line. You can tell the reader her mind-state, so they know her mitivation for speaking a line. But you cannot, cannot, cannot tell the reader how the narrator speaks. So all the reader has is what the bare words suggest, based on THEIR background and experience.

It’s not a matter of how well you write. It’s that at the moment you lack the tools and tricks our medium requires of the fiction writer.

Why? Remember all the reports and essays our teachers had us write, compared to the number of stories? That’s because our schooling trains us in a general set of skills that an employer needs us to have. We are NOT being trained in the techniques of the professional fiction writer. That writing style is fact-based and author centric. Thus you tell the reader what’s happening. In other words, you’re writing fiction with a set of nonfiction writing skills. And the result is that a dispassinate outside observer is reporting a series of events. But reports only inform, and we read fiction to be entertained, which is an emotional, not an informative goal, so it takes a set of skills that are emotion-based and character centric.

The reader doesn’t care that you’re visualizing a film scene in which the train arrives and a girl gets on—someone we will come to know by name. They want to be in the moment she calls “now.” They want to know what matters to her. Is she excited or filled with dread? That matters a lot to the feel of the scene.What does she hope will happen in in the next few minutes of the scene? Only if we know her expectatins will we know her joy or disappointment when something happens. Only then can she be the reader’s avatar. Only then will they care.

Why do I care that an unnamed girl of unknown age gets on a train for unknown purpose? Why do I care that unnamed music is her favorite song. The only way to show the reader that her life is boring is to bore the reader, and who wants that?

A scene on the page is a unit of tension. Someone is living their life when the unexpected happens and disrupts it. The protagonist tries to fix things, but can’t. In fact, in spite of everything they do the situation keeps getting further and further out of control. And because it does, and because the protagonist is trying to fix it, the reader, like the character, won’t know what’s to happen next. But readers do know what they would do were they the character, so they will “shout advice,” as we do to the TV, and care what will happen next.

The scene you opened with would establish the situation, and take only thirty seconds or so. In film it would work. Remember, in film we would learn where we are, how old she is, her mood, and much about her setting and cuture. But reading an overview of a series of mundane events that don’t really matter to the plot—like riding a train from school instead of a bus, bike, or walking, takes a lot longer to read about than the film verson would take to view. And none of the ambience and detail is presented, so it not only drags, the reader has no idea of why they’re being told this. In a film it’s chosen to be be visually interesting. But on the page? It’s a list of events involving someone unknown, going somewhere unknown, for unknown reasons.

The short version: No way in hell can our schoolday writing skills do the job. No matter how hard you may work, or rearrange the words, they will still read like a report because like everyone else, you leave school exactly as well prepared to write fiction as to perform sugery. So like everyone else you need to add the specialized tricks of the trade of writing fiction. Lots of them will make you wonder why you didn’t think of it yourself, like naming the character up-front so the reader feels they know her.

But the thing is, learning them isn’t optional. After all, if you want people to enjoy your work as much as that of the pros who write what your reader usually reads, doesn’t it make sense that you need to know what that pro knows? As Mark Twain observed, so wisely, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

I won’t kid you. It won’t be easy. They offer four-year majors in fiction at the universities, so there’s a lot to it. And like the writing techniques we leave school with, learning will take time, study, and practice to perfect. But the good news is that if you are meant to be a writer, the learning will be fun.

The library’s fiction writing section is a great resource, and I usually recommend that, with the additional suggestion to look for the name Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. To that I’ll suggest that to give you a feel for how much help the techniques can be, and the issues involved, you might want to dig through the writing articles in my blog. I also have a handful of stories there, to show what those issues look like within a story.

You’ve worked hard on this, and put a lot of yourself into it, so something like this, when you were hoping for, “It sounds like a great story,” hurts. I’ve been there, so I know. But here’s the good news: with better tools the writing is more fun, and with more tools it’s easier. And of course, with more tools comes a greater number of ways to address a problem.

So whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Nariko]

I appreciate your criticism. I just write for fun. I don't plan on being a professional writer. I base my stories around animes I watched.

[JayG]

Makes no difference. Everyone who reads your work has been raised on a diet of writing that was created using fiction writing techniques. So that have expectations as to how a story is presented. By saying, Forget that, I'll just make it up, and do what I please you shoot yourself in the foot. And you posted the word FOR others to read, so you hoped they'd like it.

If your view is, "Well, I know how to write nonfiction so I'll just do that, why did you ask me to do a critique? Since your intention was to ignore anything but praise, why ask?

Someone who doesn't know you took over thirty minutes of time they didn't have to give you, analyzing and writing, to help you become a better writer, simply because you asked. And the analysis came from someone who is not only a published writer, I'm someone who owned a critiquing service.So that time could have been given to someone who had used for the information.

If you're going to do anything, taking the time to learn how to do it would seem to make a lot more sense than scribbling what comes to mind.

[Nariko]

This is creative writing. I don't base on my writing on anything else besides my own thoughts and feelings. I didn't ignore your criticism. I didn't say anything about me knowing how to write nonfiction. I really didn't know what to say because I never expect a full blown review before. I was overwhelmed. I get it you're trying to convey honest criticism. I have my own style of writing that's not influenced by school. I like to keep it simple. I read my story over and over. I am satisfied with what came out from it. And I wasn't the only one reading it. I had other opinions too. For me, writing isn't just for my readers but for myself. Writing is expressing yourself in your own way. That's my own expression. I have my own reason why I didn't include many things that you thought I should have written. If all I wanted was praise, I would have deleted every single critique review. You shouldn't just assume things about others and try to understand other peoples' perspectives. I apologize if my previous comment has offended you in any way.

[JayG]

• This is creative writing.
And the other people who write fiction aren't creative? My novels and poems aren't creative? You can choose to write in any way you care to. I certainly don't care. But don't forgive a lack of knowledge of the basic craft of a profession by implying that all writing is equal because the author is "creative." 99% of what's submitted is rejected for reasons other then not being creative.

You obviously like writing, and that's good. And I'm betting that you want people to enjoy what you write as much as you do. Seems to me that spending a few hours learning how to do it, so as to increase the reader's enjoyment—while learning the various tricks that make you enjoy reading—would be a plus.

• I get it you're trying to convey honest criticism.

No, you don't. That was a critique, not criticism. People paid me for a more detailed version of that when I owned my manuscript critiquing service. So what I gave you wasn't my personal viewpoint on how to write, it was a professional analysis of what your problems are and how to eliminate them, should you choose to.

• I read my story over and over. I am satisfied with what came out from it.

Of course you are. Everyone is satisfied with their writing. Each submission that's rejected satisfied the one sending it. So what? After all, if you write only for your own pleasure, and then post it in public, aren't you pleasuring yourself in public? 😮

You and I know that you really hope that your words will please the reader. You wouldn't have asked me to critique were that not true. And as I said, it's not a matter of good or bad writing. You're writing exactly as you were taught to. It's certainly not your fault that your teachers never told you that they gave you only nonfiction writing skills. Having learned to write in the same classrooms no one ever told them.

• Writing is expressing yourself in your own way.

No, it's not. It's a learned skill. You spent more than a decade learning the nonfiction writing skills you now possess, and you use them as you've been taught.

So the problem is that your creativity has only a set of tools that are inappropriate to our medium and our goal. Our schoolday skills are designed to inform. Th skills of the fiction writer are meant to entertain. And a different goal requires different methodology.

As the great Ernest Hemingway said, “It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”

You may be a virtual fountain of talent. But talent is only potential. There is absolutely no difference between the person who has immense untrained talent and the one who has none. Neither of them can write well because they lack the necessary skill.

Certainly, you have the right to keep on as you are, and post anything you care to. And my goal wasn't to argue or make you uncomfortable, so I'll just wish you luck with your stories in the future.

[Srchaud]

This is nothing wrong with the writing, the sentences are clear and to the point. There is a certain anime style to the pace and interactions but there is nothing wrong with that.
She seems depressed which is something many of us can relate to, so going forward there is some meat to the story.
It didnt punch me in the face, but it was a nice story. Would I read another chapter, if it was what I was into you, yes I would.Do I think you should continue, yes I do. Overall, not bad, there is some talent here.

[Nariko]

Thank you for your review! Well it's not that exciting as other stories but I will try my best!

[Srchaud]

Not every story needs to be mind blowing or exciting. All it needs to be is interesting. If you can manage that, then I think the story as promise. Is chapter 1 interesting, yes I belive so.

[Nariko]

Well I hope I can achieve that :) I appreciate your reviews!

[Ember Quinn]

Seems good so far, but can you add where they are? I'm guessing Japan, but it would be nice to be sure and have the setting clear. Other than that I'm looking forward to reading more :3

[Nariko]

I just picked a random location in Japan xD I didn't thought of where actually in Japan they are in. I will consider it. Thanks!

[RebeccaRose]

You're definitely going places with this story. Keep it up.

[Nariko]

Oh thank you very much! I appreciate your review :)