*BLOG* The oil that greases the cycle

Just let me breathe and let me bleed .

TW - Some readers may find the content displayed distressing. Discretion is advised.

There is a pattern that can be seen in the vicious cycle of violence. All one needs to do is look carefully. The same is the case with all the violence that happens around the world and in our country with women. The main focus shifts from the ‘abuser to the abused’. When a woman or girl is raped we know more about the victim than the rapist and the heinous crime of violation is often buried.This further acts as a discouragement for other victims to come forward. Global estimates published by WHO indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Please note that the regular s**t shaming, eve teasing and verbal abuse have not made it to a lot of reports. 

Understanding the cycle of abuse and what inspires it 

Almost all the abusers at some point of time have been on the other side. There are various psychological, social and biological factors that are continuously working behind it. A boy who has witnessed his mother being beaten and abused by his father from a very young age is more likely to become the abuser later in his life or traumatized by the abuse witnessed, end up being abused by another. In high schools and universities toxic masculinity is a trend. Some decent person might end up being bullied by the ‘machos’ or end up finding oneself under peer pressure. We might silence our protests because of peer pressure or fear of rejection but it is important to hold on to what is right and fight back at all times. 

To an abuser, it’s more about power than sex.A man who rapes his wife in the bedroom and a boss who s**t shames her partner and employee in the boardroom, do so to dominate their will and crush the idea of consent . One should also keep in mind that most cases of rape are not some impulsive outcomesof uncontrollable lust , but the sick mentality of the ownership which is slowly built . People abuse to inspire fear because they like the scared eyes, fastened heartbeats and the rugged breaths.Violation gives the abusers a taste of power and dominance they crave. There is a crucial role that households play in this process, If a boy child is more entitled to both freedom and his whims than his sister, it shapes his mentality accordingly. Each and every action has a consequence. Then comes the impression that false masculinity leaves on young boys. Research suggests that people with rape supportive attitudes like ’she is asking for it‘, ‘not like she didn’t enjoy it‘ are more likely to become abusers. Such factors combine to kill the voice and dominate the subconsciousness of a person in such a way that it turns individuals into abusers. However, it is important to understand that we will always find answers as to why a person abuses , there is nothing in the world that can justify it .

            

Women are not able to report or are compelled to tolerate the casual sexism or continuous violence and abuse because of a number of factors. Firstly, the absence of proper education makes them financially dependent on men. They are also generally perceived to be weaker than men. The flawed lessons of womanhood taught to them by their elders end up becoming the very basis of their life. The lack of awareness on marital rape is a different ballgame. So when a woman is abused by someone known, they find it harder to raise their voice. I believe it’s very crucial to understand how this system works and preys on shame.

There has been a successful effort to normalize the sexism and eve teasing that goes on the street or any public place, by bandaging the fact under a veil of helplessness and “normalcy”. Just because it is done on a very large scale almost everyday, does not mean it is normal.

Religious authorities and societal norms come into play from a very early age. They have been the very foundation of unfair treatment of women. Women from a very young age are taught how to look after the family and to sacrifice, way before they are educated about their rights. This kind of inadequacy, creates unrest. Beliefs are sacred but strangling an individual’s right in the name of faith is unacceptable. Religious books assert things like, ‘wife cannot say no to her husband when he calls upon her for intercourse’. It is believed that the same promotes crimes like marital rape that are yet to be recognised on a large scale.

Previously, it was unimaginable for women to have the social and political position they hold today. They need to be educated and made financially independent to be able to walk out from situations of continuous abuse (like domestic violence, marital rape etc.) and speak for themselves. We need to educate the society about how gender roles are doing more harm than good. There is no excuse for abuse, and nobody should have to bear this burden regardless of age, sex, gender, caste, social standing or background. The definitions are being rewritten and the boundaries redrawn. It is important to understand the psychology of an abuser to be able to stop people from becoming one. Casual sexism, s**t-shaming and verbal abuse needs to be called out. Don’t be a bystander and say that “this is unacceptable”. We will have to take it in our own hands to make this a safe space for all. Our constant efforts and awareness will reveal astounding results.

Author's Note

I have tried writing a blog after really long! Let me know what you think warm people , which will help as always .Love ya all.

Reviews

[Beccy]

This is a subject that I feel very strongly about, so your blog really hits a nerve with me.

The idea that women are second class citizens; mere objects, that they can be treated as little more than chattels, runs deep in many, many societies. Sadly, this outrageous mindset is so often ingrained from birth; and to a great extent, those who hold power, both secular and sacred, (almost wholly the male of the species,) propagate this despicable mindset. Gender parity clearly being too much for them to handle, without it destroying what little self confidence they have in themselves.

Misogynistic and pathetic bullies the lot of them; and I suspect that if the boot was on the other foot, they would be running to mummy like the pathetic little snot nosed boys they truly are.

Beccy.

[Sami Khalil]

Highly educational and worthy of discussion. I like how you dissect the roots of the problem and offer solutions. You share many truths and offer alternatives. I tend to agree with many of your offerings. Wow!

[Ankita Dwivedi]

i am glad this blog could be useful and worthy of your time ..we need to Evolve , not just with building and gadgets , but with conscience .keep safe , dear :) have a good day
XOXO

[Sami Khalil]

All true and well said. You are welcome.

[AJNJ]

I agree with you Ankita. Its a cycle of abuse and feeds on itself. The abused must always complain and the abuser must restrain themselves and seek treatment. Often the abuser is has once been an abused and thats why I said its a vicious cycle that must be cut off at its very source. Powerful write.

[Ankita Dwivedi]

thank you AJ! your words mean alot as always ..glad u liked it ..take care :)

[Neville]

I must confess that I am not a regular blog visitor .. but having said that, and having read your magnificent 'The Oil that greases the cycle' I must say here and now that the world needs writers such as yourself my friend to prick the conscience of those who wander around in ignorance and denial ...

I think despite some of the considerable developments around the globe in respect of justice and of human and in particular women's rights being acknowledged, there is such a very long way still to go ... Only by speaking out will change be gradually introduced ... I so hope others will stand behind you and lend their voices to such a decent and much needed cause ...

Respect my friend ... Go well and stay safe..

Neville

[Ankita Dwivedi]

Thank you , dear Neville .. it is people like you that make me feel like what i believe in matters , what i am trying to do matters .. I hope people feel closer to humanity than they do these days .. The warmes of hugs for you :) take care , friend .

[Neville]

You are more than welcome Ankita .. what you believe in certainly does matter .. and may you never lose that sense of direction you clearly have .. Take care yourself too & hugs reciprocated :)

[emmajoy]

This is an extreme blog, this is part of a lecture given to mature people who either know little about the content of your words or know far more and need learn more in order to find the answer to a billion questions. Surely? Perhaps? Surely society ignores the woman's mental and physical terrors she has to endure and live with for the remainder of whatever life she has. If you imagine a woman being hung on a spit with a skewer running through her body, even that in any country, at any age, in any circumstances.. is unbelievable agony. That said, someone as intuitive, intelligent.. a seeker and inevitable finder will know that the pain of poking self with a thick darning needle hurts like hell.. what you've described, what I've mentioned in passing will never compare. ,
Yes, people need be educated.. but how do you educate people who don't think demeaning women is wrong, who are prepared to remain ignorant, who don't care. That said, nothing helps overnight.. it takes generations. AND when you consider how women have been treated since time immemorial .. .. .. nuff said.

Your writing is superb. I'm surprised, NO, shocked to think some have scanned or read your logically prepared yet intense writing, yet left to do what?

' Casual sexism, s**t-shaming and verbal abuse needs to be called out. Don’t be a bystander and say that “this is unacceptable”. We will have to take it in our own hands to make this a safe space for all'

Yes, one day when the sky turns to ice, perhaps.

[Ankita Dwivedi]

Dear Emma , the questions you have raised here are so thoughtful and valid , these are the ones that keep flashing in my head too .. i try to keep hope and i will keep trying .. I have this idea , might sund a bot cruel to you but i think we have to make it very personal for the people that dare to perform such atrocities ... because i assure you there is not one human being on the earth that doe snot have a few women they really care an dlove and respect , even the rapists , veen the one walking around in ignorance .. we can make people to act if we make them realise that their loved ones are in danger . I want to call upon one of the most obvious traits of humans , that is selfishness . i urge people to be selfish and stand by the women they love ..and the world will become a much better place for a start ..
It is such a warm pleasure to my heart everytime you put your valuable thoughts and emotions into my work ... , dear friend ..please keep safe and take care ..warmest of hugs and kisses for you

[emmajoy]

Being both woman or man is conundrum enough without realising that power can and never must be thought of as a substitute for love.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

First of all, it was hard to believe a woman of your age wrote this. Wow! It is very mature and self-explained and wonderfully written may I add. The idea of changing the world is not a thought that comes easily to me. But who can blame those that try? I can't, God knows there's a reason and certainly a need for change. This blog does inspire and that is amazing. Hopefully, things will change for everybody. tyfs

[Ankita Dwivedi]

Yeah hopefully ! this hope keeps me going .. I have learnt to betray my age with experiences and vision .. i am glad for all the pain , for now i value beauty and want to treasure and i think women are so beautuifull ..men are too (no hard feelings lol) and it is men like you that walk around with kindness in heart ..fuel to my passion ..don't let anyuthing chnage u dear friend .. take care :)

[Anomitra Sarkar]

It's really nice, you talk and explain everything. Nice blog. to be honest, I think "educate your daughter" or "educate you sons" is not of any use. I suppose "morally educate the people" anyway I am just blown.