The Red String Of Fate

This is story of love and loss two friends find that love may be closer then they expected, led by the string of fate.

The red string of fate

The red string of fate, something most people don't think is real, but to tell you the truth I didn't either until I met her..

Mom- your coming of age and I think we should have...the talk.

Emma- No we don't, I'm not having interco-

Mom- I don't care you will someday with a guy so you need to know how to be safe

Emma- ugh (walks out the door)

I walk out the door trying not to think about what my mom said but it rings in my head I never really thought about before. What if I don't find a decent man? Or i'm not a good wife? I let out a long sigh thinking about the questions running through my head. As I approach my high school I look around me to see one of my friends waiting for me, she always waited ever since she told me how she felt about me.

Emma- Hey!! Thanks for waiting for me

Sadie- No probleme

We walk to the door and she opens it before I get all the way up to it. As we walk into the school someone bumps into me and I stumble onto the ground.

Sadie- Hey, watch where you're going!!

Other guy- maybe you should watch where you little girlfriend it going b***h!

Sadie walks up to the boy and punches him in his face everyone starts to stop and form a small circle around them almost like a fighting ring, he punches her back in her nose and she falls onto the floor.

Emma- Sadie!

I run to her and I take off my jacket to hold to her now bleeding noise. The boy starts to walk off and everyone moves out of his way. I try to get her off the ground but she's out cold, I lift her onto my back and take her to the clinic. When I turn the corner she starts to wake up and gets off my back saying she wants me to just take her back home. I held her side keeping her steady, not wanting her to fall over. As we both walked out of the building I looked back for a second only to see students looking out at us from the top floors. About 40 mins into our walking we finally make it into Sadie's house. I sit her on the couch and run to get an ice pack for her swollen face.

Emma- Do you want me to call someone?

Sadie shakes her head telling me no. I let out a sigh not knowing if I should listen to her, she sees the worry in my eyes and opens her mouth to speak.

Saide- ouch!

Emma- Don't try to talk your hurt right now.

I put the ice pack on her again because it had slipped off her pail face. She jumped to the touch of the ice pack so I took half my coat off and sat it on one of her shoulders while I had the other half on me. She turned a shade of red and looked away. I turn my head pretending not to notice her but the way she looked that day I will never forget. I woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon,mmm bacon i'll never forget that either. I sit up and slowly look around and see Saide in the kitchen from where I am sitting on the couch. I get up and walk into the ketchen and look at what shes cooking, she looks at me already dressed.

Sadie- go get dressed i'm going to take you somewhere, i'll finnish cooking and make you a plate of food.

I smile and nod while rubbing my eye. When I get dressed and come back into the kitchen I see a neatly arranged set of food and plates. I sit down at the table that has a light blue cloth covering it. I pick up my fork and look up at sadie and see that her short black hair is glistening in the sunlight shining on her from the window in the kitchen. I look into her brown eyes and something changed inside of me in that moment. My heart started to pound in my chest as if I was running a marathon. I turn red and  try to take a bite of the food that’s still steaming, my hand shaking and heart still beating as fast as ever. Sadie looks up and swallows her food.

Sadie- Is the food bad?

Emma- No its fine, im just not really hungry right now.

Sadie- But you didn't eat last night.. Are you feeling well? We can just stay at my house today if you want.

Emma- No, I want to go, i'm feeling fine.

I look down at my plate and eat a few bites before getting up.

Sadie- Just leave your plate in the sink ill wash them later i'm ready to go (laughs)

I get up and put my plate into the sink and start to walk out the door but sadie stops me and gives me one of her jackets

Sadie- I washed yours and its not dry yet and it's cold outside so you can wear mine.

I smile and put it on but it was kinda little long and big. She looked at me and giggleed

Sadie- I see it's a little big but you look cute in it.

I turn red and my heart starts to race again. I turn facing the door. Ok lets go

Sadie- Alright let's go.

We walk to the train station because she still doesn't have a car even though shes 18. I walk behind her falling behind. Sadie grabs my hand and says “come on..or you'll get lost.” we walk into a big crowd of people waiting for the train. We don't wait long before the train we need to get on pulls up and the doors open. We get on along with a crowd of people pushing to get a sit or get to a handel. We don't get a sit or a handle and people are still getting on the train so sadie pushes me up against the train wall and holds her hand just above my shoulders facing me so I don't get smushed. As the train starts to move I look in her eyes and see the reflection of the train passing people by. I look away before she notices me looking at her because I don't want her to think I was weird or anything. The train stops a few times before we get off. As I step off the train she starts to hold my hand again and says “my hand is cold” I slide my fingers into hers and she looked at me like she had just seen a ghost, I loosen my grip on her hand and she holds my hand tighter and smiles. We walk out of toun into a field   (and kills me, buries my body XD kj)

She lets go of my hand and we both look around to see a field full or flowers that are slightly frosted but still vary alive, there all sorts of colors, a really beautiful sight to see. Sadie picks up a dark blue flower and frosty water breaks off the steam. She holds up the flower and the sun shines off of the pedals. She hands it to me and says “ this is for you because of your hair.” At the time I had dyed my hair blue so I thought it was one of the sweetest things she's ever done thinking about all of this today makes me want to cry. I miss her, not a day goes by and I don't think about her… About 3 years after that I moved into her house and left everything behind..my mom, my school, my friends just for her because on that day when she gave me that blue flower I gave her my heart. I realized I loved her and was willing to do anything for her. So I left and went with her. She didn't make me move but I wanted to see her brown eyes glistening in the sun every morning. I didn't want to be apart from her and she didn't want to be apart from me. A few months after I settled in I turned 22 and she turned 23 2 days after I did, we celebrate our birthdays together...every year we did. We got drunk just me and her, we would listen to loud music cuddled and we slept with each other, I was hers and she was mine. Some people don't believe in the red string of fate...but I did. I also believe in demons but not the ones that have fangs and bat wings, the ones in your head but I didn't know at the time Sadie was dealing with hers, she never told me she needed help she never told me what she was really feeling deep inside because she always just smiled at me. Now I know anyone can hide under a simple smile. She was my best friend. She was my all. She was tinder and kind, and now she's my ghost. So i'll end my story here. I told  mine so i'll go with my partner now i'll see you another time.

( I listened to the song “tears of an angel” while writing this short story. All credits go to Desiree O’Neal. This story is made up, and with no intent of selling at this time. Friday december 10, 2016 I finished this short story.)

Reviews

[Vera Anne Wolf]

Okay, I'm going to ignore formatting but I do have a few suggestions. Also, this reads like a screenplay, not a story.

"The red string of fate. Not many people believe in it. I didn't either, to tell you the truth until I met her." Breaking up sentences helps add impact to ideas and variety, or texture if you will, to the read.

(walks out the door) - repetitive to the "I walk out the door" beneath. Again, your dialogue suggests screenplay, but the narrative in between disrupts this.

"Sadie faces him squarely and lands a solid punch into his face." - solid impact with a short sentence. "The students around us titter to a stop in stunned silence, a few giggles break out as (name the guy please) touches the blood spilling from his nose. The laughter quickly stopped when he pulled his arm back and swung. Sadie sailed back through the door past me and rolled down the steps." - visual descriptions of what you'd expect to see if this plays out as a movie.

I'm not sure I'd offer a jacket for a bleeding nose. Maybe a light jacket. "I offered the sleeve of my summer jacket to her." - suggestion

If she's knocked out, pushing a jacket to her nose would only obscure her airways imo. Maybe she should be more concerned that her friend is out cold. Show us some effort, the fact that she seems to pick the girl up so easily is confusing.

"Saying she wants me to just take her home" - why are you "telling" us this instead of giving it to us as dialogue?

"Swollen face" - which part got hit exactly. Cheek, eyebrow, nose, lip, etc. The whole face isn't going to swell up with one punch.

"Do you want me to call someone?" - Feels awkward. Their friends right? "Should we call your mom?" - more natural feel.

"I took half my coat off" - I thought the jacket was already off?

"I woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon." - new paragraph. Otherwise, there's no transition to prepare us for the time jump. "Mmm bacon, I'll never forget that either" - okay, this seems a wee bit childish. I thought she was crushing on the Sadie a bit but if she's just as impressed by the smell of bacon it lessens the impact imo.

Wait, she slept over? Perhaps slip that into her subconscious narrative before getting into the bacon.

How old are they? Does Sadie live alone? I thought Emma was in high school. No one's calling to see why she bailed out of school?

The fact that Sadie's jacket is bigger then Emma's takes me back to Emma easily picking her friend up and carrying her home.

"We don't get a (seat) or a handle"- typo

and says(,) "My hand is cold(.)" I slide... Missing a couple periods here and there.

"We walk out of (town) into a field" - where did the train drop them off exactly?

(and kills me, buries my body) - okay...narrative taboo...moving on

"sweetest things she('d) ever done(.) Thinking about all of this today makes me want to cry." - create a transition to the present. [paragraph break] "I miss her, not a day goes by..." Further transition for a change of scene.

[Paragraph break] "A few months after I settled in I turned 22" - okay, definitely not high school. I find it hard to believe college students would behave that way but explains why no one followed up when they skipped class.

"We got drunk (together)(,) just her and me(.) We listened to loud music cuddled beneath the sheets(.)" - watch your tenses here. You slip into the present when it should be past. And, again, watch sentence breaks (periods).

"and now she's my ghost." - I would end there. The fact that the character/narrator speaks to the reader/audience throws me off at the end. It feels awkward and is unnecessary.

I liked the romance build up. It held that vibe of innocence and wonder, fear, and courage. Overall the pieces held my interest though I was confused in a few places listed above. There are some details that need to be fleshed out, and editing, especially with sentence structure, but its a good piece overall. Hope you find this helpful.

[Desiree O'Neal]

Oh gosh did I make that many mistakes? Thank you very much for all your feedback, it actually means a lot, i'll redo it to make it better and when I do i'll let you know, I want you to be one of the first ones to read it if you don't mind.

[Vera Anne Wolf]

Since I'm in a way responsible, hehe, yea I'll probably be open to that if I have time :)

[Desiree O'Neal]

Oh and yeah at first it was all in a screen-play format, but someone suggested I do it in a book form, I didn't want to take the whole thing apart so I left some dialog in.

[Vera Anne Wolf]

I think this would be better as just one thing instead of split between both. It really would be fine as a screen play. It would be equally fine as a story. Pulled between the two it gets confusing and seems very "unfinished".

[Desiree O'Neal]

Thank you, and you really don't have to if you don't want to, I don't want to force anything on you.

[Desiree O'Neal]

alright then I guess i'll have to choose.. haha and i'm bad at that as well.

[Dinesh Kumar]

Nicely written and the ending was awesome

[A.Tarek]

That was refreshing.. and the way you end it was wonderful

[Resa]

OMG!!!
your story made me smile, laugh, and finally in tears.
I'm still wiping my eyes as I type this.
You are an amazing young writer!
Whatever you do, don't stop writing. You will continue to improve more and more, as life takes you through the many adventures and journeys that await you.
I have to write my story in the form of a poem because, I cant write a short story format.
When I tried, it read boring and flat!
I wish I could write more like you!

[Desiree O'Neal]

Thank you so much, I decided to re-read my story and Now Im crying haha I had forgotten my own story. I love creating love stories (if you hadn't noticed) but I want it to stick with people So I decided I will make them remember my stories. I would just take them on an emotional rollercoaster so they won't forget it. I know i'm not the only one who wants people to remember their stories when there long gone. I think that's why I write. I don't want to be forgotten so yeah sorry i'm just rambling on now.

[Desiree O'Neal]

It really made me happy that you liked my story.