Making a Mess of Things

A teenage girl struggles with alcoholism.

Quinn had been dancing for hours; she could feel the boom of the bass in her chest. She could feel her heart beating in her ears. She could feel the boy behind her holding her hips to his own. She could feel the heat on her chest and the sweat on her arms and the hot breath on the back of her neck. She didn’t care. Tonight wasn’t about them. It was about her. It was about escape. It was about ignoring everything that had gone wrong in her s****y life. 

Quinn was drowning in vodka, she had gone to Puck’s party only because she knew there would be mass amounts of alcohol, a large crowd of people, and the opportunity to let the woes of her life fade away. She was dancing in a mob of people, completely wasted and, not thinking about a single thing that was wrong with her life. Not once did anything pass through her mind. All she felt was a mind-numbing weight to her body. The alcohol was slowing down her body and speeding up her mind, canceling out all threads of reality. 

Quinn opened her eyes only to see doubles of everything. The room was spinning and she smiled to herself. She was swimming in her emptiness. Appreciating every second of it. She wanted it to last forever; there was no guilt, no pain, and no regret. Just here and now. 

Quinn reached down to her hips and held the boy’s hands, she had no idea who he was, but she loved the feeling of having someone close to her. She loved having someone hold her as if they wanted her, desired her, craved her. She loved that she could lead them on and then throw them away without the drama of wrong phone numbers and awkward morning-after’s. 

If Quinn couldn’t have the girl she wanted close to her she would have to settle for whoever she could get. She wasn’t good enough to tell Rachel the truth, and she couldn’t tell the brunette that she tortured the girl every day because she was too afraid tell herself that she loved the small diva. Quinn made fun of her appearance because Quinn couldn’t let anyone know how beautiful she thought Rachel really was. Quinn made her life hell because she knew the girl could get out of Lima and make something of herself. She was pushing her out to a better place. At least that’s what she told herself. 

Quinn had no idea how many hours had passed since she began to dance; the only thing she knew was that she was beginning to feel again. The numbness was wearing off. The only thing that meant was more alcohol. She tore herself away from her dance partner even though he gently protested the distance between them. She walked towards the alcohol. There was a large table in the back of the room lined with bottles; vodka, tequila, whiskey, rum, everything she could ever ask for. 

Quinn was no stranger to Puck’s parties. Ever since she had gotten pregnant, he personally invited her to every one, and she politely declined until after the baby was born. When she only had to worry about her own health, she became a secret alcoholic. She drank every weekend and sometimes even on weekdays if she could. She had shown up to school hung over multiple times this semester. She wasn’t even ashamed anymore; she didn’t care what she looked like or how she behaved as long as she could look at herself in the mirror and not want to punch through her own reflection. If she was honest with herself, she just might pick up a piece of the shattered glass and use it for something she would probably regret.

Instead of doing physical harm to her body Quinn destroyed her insides by numbing it with booze. Her habit was expensive but it didn’t matter, Judy had won the trial in her parent’s divorce and gotten three fourths off all the income, while Russell got thirty years of jail time for countless crimes including; fraud, domestic abuse, piracy the, list went on forever. 

Puck was her supplier; he would do anything to make an extra buck and being his ‘baby mama’s’ supplier had made him happy. They were both benefitting from the agreement. 

Quinn poured herself a drink - half vodka-half sprite. It was her favorite mixture. She poured enough alcohol to get her drunk quickly, but also enough chaser to feel the burn of the vodka without choking on it. She brought the drink to her lips gulping down a large portion of it before turning to find a spot to sit for a while. Since she was waking up from her vacation from reality she was realizing how tired she actually was. She pushed through the crowd cradling her drink to her chest making sure not to spill it. She found her couch on the other side of the room and began to make her way towards it until she saw it - a flash of brown hair. 

She could never mistake that hair. Those chocolate brown locks, she had stared at them for hours in glee, looking at the back of her head, longing to run her fingers through them. Rachel was at the party. Rachel had walked past her. She knew it was a bad idea, she shouldn’t look, but her eyes deceived her. Quinn slowly turned her gaze in the direction she had watched the girl pass only to see her staring right at her across the room, jaw open, eyes wide and walking right towards her. 

Quinn ran in the other direction, she ran up the stairs slipping on the first few steps and spilling half her drink. She cursed under her breath, but continued up the stairs trying to get away from Rachel. The blonde ran down the hallway and into Puck’s bedroom. She didn’t bother to turn on the light, she just ran straight to his bathroom closing and locking the door. She waited a few seconds for a knock; she assumed Rachel would follow her. She always did when Quinn ran, but after a long silence she decided she was safe. Quinn sat down on the closed toilet seat and chugged the remains of her drink before throwing the cup to the side. 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket; it was1:30 AM. She had been at Puck’s for four hours now. It didn’t feel that long but it never did when you were drunk. 

She could still hear the boom of the bass from the party downstairs. She was thankful for the loud music and bustling crowd, Rachel probably would have found her by now if the brunette had a clear view of where she had gone. She was thankful for the girl being so far away, but sad at the same time. One part of her wanted Rachel to run after her, but the other part new that if she were in an arms length of the Rachel she would lash out at her. She didn’t want either one. She ran away giving herself the power and Rachel none. That is until she heard a light tap on the door, “Quinn..?” 

Of course she found her, of course she knew exactly where to find her. Sometimes Quinn thought Rachel really did have a sixth sense. Maybe if she were quiet she would go away. Quinn held her breath and waited for the sound of footsteps walking away or at least a long enough silence to assume the girl had left. There was another knock on the door,“Quinn, I know you’re in there.” 

“What do you want Berry?!” Quinn accepted defeat. Rachel knew everything she had probably come to scold Quinn on her underage drinking which would probably be totally hot especially when Rachel put her hands on her hips and furrowed her brow. 

“I just want to talk to you. Is that okay?” Rachel sounded unsure, a quality that did not often show through the girl’s confident façade. 

“No…I’m busy!” Quinn yelled through the door. 

“I just need to talk to you for a moment okay? Please just let me in!” Rachel knocked on the door more urgently this time. 

Quinn fought with herself over what the right choice was. Let Rachel in and risk word vomit, or leave her out there and feel guilty. Rachel would probably go away after five minutes of the silent treatment, but something about the way Rachel seemed to need rather than want to get to Quinn was making the decision harder on the blonde. She finally decided to let her in. “Fine, but make it quick okay?”

Quinn got up from the toilet to unlock the door. As soon as the lock popped out, the door burst open and in flew Rachel Berry. “Geez Berry what is your deal, did someone give you something?” 

Rachel slammed the door, pushing the lock again before glaring at Quinn. “No, I refuse to participate in your drunken antics. The only reason I am here is because it is a Sunday and Finn and I are working on a project together. He was supposed to show up at my house an hour ago. I texted Puck to see where he was and he said he was here. I simply came to retrieve him only to find him sucking on another girl’s face.” Rachel wrapped her arms around herself and looked at her feet. The brunette looked defeated. Even though Quinn had been the one doing the cheating in the past, she felt for the girl. She knew what it felt like to watch the person you love with someone else. 

“Wow….I’m really sorry Rachel. I didn’t think he would ever cheat on you. I..” Quinn caught herself before she let herself reveal anything she would regret. “He’s an idiot. You deserve better than his a*s anyway,” Quinn said waving a hand at the thought of the boy. “I would know, I dated the oaf. He thought sperm cold travel through a hot tub…and now that I think about it, that is really stupid…. how did he even believe me for that long…” Quinn trailed off.

Rachel didn’t move; she stared at her feet and held herself tighter. Quinn took a step forward trying to decide what she should do. “Rachel….did anything else happen down there?” Quinn ducked her head to meet Rachel’s eyes, but the girl looked away again. 

“No, Quinn. I’m fine, and it’s not like you would care if it did. You’re drunk, you don’t care about anything right now.” Rachel turned and sat on the edge of the bathtub leaning forwards.

“Well that’s not true. I am drunk, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I actually care more about you when I’m drunk…” 

“That doesn’t make any sense…” Rachel finally looked up at Quinn, raising a questioning eyebrow. 

“Sure, it does. When I am drunk I can feel without feeling so I can feel sympathy without feeling the guilt of other people’s pain. See, easy. So what happened downstairs?” Quinn asked again.

“That still makes no sense. It shouldn’t matter what state you are in. It doesn’t take that much effort to be a decent person, and on a daily basis you are an awful person. Alcohol shouldn’t bring out the best in you,” Rachel shot back. 

Quinn physically took a step back and gaped at Rachel. She had never seen this side of the girl before. Normally she was a very forgiving person, but now she seemed to be holding a grudge. 

“Rachel I know I’m hard on you okay? I just don’t…I can’t….It’s hard okay? It’s not an excuse or a cop-out; it’s just a fact. It’s hard for me to cope with my life. So I make other people hurt with me. I’m not proud of who I am. I just am.” Quinn sat down next to Rachel on the bathtub, “I’m sorry that I’m an awful person. I’ve always known that though. So whatever happened down there is not worth trying to figure it out. Just forget it because you deserve better than that.” 

Rachel didn’t respond; she didn’t even look back up at Quinn. She just stared down at her hands motionless. “I’ll leave you alone now.” Quinn said as she stood up and walked to the door, she looked back at Rachel one last time, only to find that the girl hadn’t moved. Quinn reached for the door and struggled to find the knob with her drunken hands. When she finally found it, she twisted the knob and walked out, leaving Rachel behind. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Quinn had been through more than a few drinks after her encounter with Rachel. At this point, she could barely see the room it was spinning so fast. She could walk, but not in a straight line or without holding onto something. And she could talk, but not without sputtering out her words. 

Quinn couldn’t dance anymore because she couldn’t keep her balance, so she had resorted to bobbing her head on the couch. Every time she moved her head it felt like she was doing layouts. The room was spinning so violently that she forgot she was sitting from time to time. She was content in her spot watching the people who now looked like floating orbs of color, until something blocked her view. 

“Hey…I Ib dancig gt out da wa,” Quinn spat out but the figure didn’t move “Um srsly I wan watch and danss” Quinn tried to protest but the words would not form in her mouth. 

“Quinn what did you do?” Rachel asked, hands on her hips.

Quinn recognized the voice and replied quickly. “Nofin I jus dran mo. I’m fine,” Finally, the first two words she had said correctly. “Rachellll come sit wi me! I’m dacig all alone,” Quinn said. She reached out her arms towards Rachel but missed. “Stahp mooovin an come hur.” Quinn’s slurred speech was getting worse by the minute. Rachel stood over her and shook her head. 

“No, we aren’t dancing at all. Come on let’s get you somewhere safer.” Rachel bent down into Quinn’s outstretched arms and wrapped her arms around the girl’s back gently pulling her toward herself to get the blonde to her feet. To her surprise, Quinn followed Rachel’s actions and stood up mostly on her own. When the blonde was standing on her own, she quickly began to tip over. Rachel grabbed Quinn’s arm to keep her from falling. She wrapped the girl’s arm around her neck to keep her steady and began to lead Quinn toward the stairs. 

Rachel struggled to keep Quinn steady; the blonde was taller than Rachel, not by much, but enough to make it difficult to keep the weight of the girl under control. She felt like she was dragging dead weight through the room until she felt Quinn become lighter on her neck. She looked up to see Puck holding Quinn’s waist, “I’ll take her just tell me where you want to take care of her.” Puck took Quinn from Rachel and held her in his arms. 

“No! I wan Rachewl!” Quinn said squirming in Puck’s arms. 

“Yea I know baby mama but she can’t handle you right now.” Puck sighed and hung his head, mumbling under his breath, “you want Rachel a little too much.” 

“Let’s just go to your room. If that’s okay? She went up there before so I’ll think she’ll feel safe there.” 

“You got it Jew babe. She stays there almost every weekend anyway.” Rachel thought that statement was strange since Quinn didn’t talk to Puck in school at all since they gave up baby, but she ignored it. 

Puck carried Quinn up the stairs, careful not to bump her head against anything. He gently kicked open the door to his bedroom and carried Quinn to the bed. “Can you pull back the blanket?” Rachel walked to the other side of the bed to turn down the blankets. Puck laid Quinn down and covered her up. He leaned down to brush Quinn’s hair back before whispering in her ear, “Behave yourself please.” He stood back up and glanced at Rachel. “Don’t hold anything she does against her. She gets very...strange when she is drunk.” 

“Yea I’ve noticed, I’ve never seen her like this.” 

“Well, she has a lot of pent up…aggression. It disappears when she is drunk.” 

“How do you know so much about drunk Quinn?” Rachel sat down on the bed, keeping herself a safe distance away from Quinn. 

“She comes to me for her alcohol. On a weekly basis,” Puck said quietly. “I’m not proud for letting her drink so much but it seemed like she really needed this, so I helped her. She stopped talking to me after Beth so when she didn’t run away again I took every chance I could to keep her coming back. I just didn’t want to lose her again,” Puck looked down at his feet before looking back up at Rachel. 

“What are you so scared of, Noah?” Rachel turned towards Puck to look directly in his eyes, “There’s something you’re keeping from me.” 

He knew that she was going to keep asking if he didn’t tell her but he couldn’t betray Quinn. “It’s not for me to tell you. She’ll tell you when she’s ready. Just be patient.”

“But…”

“Patience Rachel, you can’t push her or she will run away.”

“Why does she do this?

“It’s not my place to tell you, Rachel,” Puck began to walk towards the door, “No matter what, don’t let her get out of this room, she will just go straight for the alcohol again. If she needs food or water there is a mini fridge under the bed and cups in the closet.”

“Okay. Thank you, Noah.”

Puck nodded and walked out of the door to go back to the party. 

Rachel looked down at Quinn; the girl had fallen asleep curled up in the bed. Rachel sat back down and leaned back, waiting for the inevitable hangover when Quinn woke up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rachel was surprised to see Quinn stirring only an hour after she had fallen asleep. The girl slowly turned over in the bed and opened her eyes, rubbing the sleep out of them. “Good morning, Sunshine,” Rachel greeted Quinn as she adjusted to her surroundings, “How do you feel?” 

Quinn looked up at Rachel, trying and failing to adjust her eyes, “I didn’t know you had a twin, what’s her name?” Quinn mumbled. She had only been asleep for an hour and the only thing that had significantly improved was her speech. She could speak in full sentences, but still couldn’t see straight. 

Rachel shook her head, she felt bad for the girl lying next to her, “I’ll take that as not good.”

Quinn rolled over onto her stomach before pushing herself up to put all of her weight on her knees. Now that she was upright, she could feel how drunk she was. The room was spinning, it made her stomach turn but she knew its contents were secure. “I feel fine, Rachel. I’m fine. You can go back to the party now. I’ll go with you; we can get a drink and dance. It’ll be fun, let’s go.” Quinn began to get up from the bed. She pulled her legs out from under her and set her feet on the floor. As she pushed her weight up off the bed, she felt her knees buckle and she hit the floor. 

Rachel looked down at the blonde; she didn’t know whether to feel angry or sorry for her. “Would you like some help?” Rachel asked gently. 

“No! I’m good.” Quinn began to push herself up from the ground, but only got a few inches off the floor. “I’ll just stay down here. The floor is comfy.” Quinn let her head rest on the floor and adjusted her body to get comfortable. “See? All good.” 

“Quinn, you are not staying down there.” Rachel rose from the bed and walked over to the girl on the ground. “You’re going to have to help me get you up okay? Roll over on your back.” Quinn did as she was told and rolled over. “Alright now on the count of three I need you to try and get up. 1-2-3,” Rachel pulled Quinn from under her arms and slowly helped the girl stand up straight. “Okay. Let’s get you in the shower I guess. Maybe that will help sober you up.” Rachel put Quinn’s arm around her neck again and started to lead the girl toward the bathroom, but the blonde wouldn’t move. 

“I don’t want to take a shower.” 

“Quinn, you have to. You need to sober up.” Rachel tugged again, but the girl wouldn’t move. 

“I said no. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, okay?” Quinn squirmed away from Rachel and sat back down on the bed. 

“Okay, no shower. What do you want to do?” Rachel sat next to Quinn and folded her hands in her lap, making sure not to touch the girl. 

“I want to sit here and be drunk. That’s what I want. I want to go back downstairs and get another drink. I don’t care if I can’t dance anymore. I want more alcohol. I want to be numb.” 

“Why…would you want that?” Rachel couldn’t understand why she would say that. 

“Because, Rachel, my whole life fell apart and now alcohol is the only thing that makes me happy. Because I hate being sober, because everything I see, everything I hear, it reminds me of Beth, of everything I lost, of everything I will never have. I hate feeling. I hate seeing straight. I love the way the room spins. I love the way that I can’t feel anything except the alcohol running through my veins because it feels so much better than knowing that my life is not worth living anymore.” After Quinn was done speaking, she took a deep breath. She was laying herself bare in front of Rachel, something she never thought she would do. It was something she wasn’t sure she was ready for, but she was dong it. 

Rachel took a moment to fully understand everything Quinn had just said before she spoke. “Quinn have you ever considered seeing someone? Like maybe getting professional help? I’m not trying to be forward or overstep my boundaries, but it really sounds like you are struggling and you could benefit from talking to someone.” Rachel shifted in her spot next to Quinn; the weight of the conversation was making the air in the room heavy. 

“It would be nice to have someone to talk to. It would be nice to have a friend other than Puck. He’s great and I know that he loves me. I just don’t feel the same way. I’m not sure I ever did and with him trying to take care of me now…it’s…I don’t know nice? But I feel guilty because I can never give him what he wants. I don’t even know what I want anymore. But I do know that I want I can and will never have.” Quinn lay back on the bed and sighed. She knew Rachel would ask what she wanted. She wanted to tell the girl, but she wasn’t sure if she could, even in her drunk stupor. 

Rachel looked down at Quinn and her heart broke for the girl. Rachel had known that Quinn was unhappy - she had known that she hadn’t been happy even before Beth. Rachel had reached out countless times, trying to show Quinn that she wasn’t alone, that someone cared and the blonde never accepted any of her offers of friendship. One thing that Rachel could never pass was an opportunity to help Quinn. She was determined to make Quinn happy, no matter how long it took, no matter how many times she pushed her away. She just needed Quinn to enjoy her life. “Well…it sounds to me like you just need a friend Quinn. Or at least you want one. And if that is the case…I’ve always been your friend.” 

“I know, Rachel…it’s just always been hard with you. You’ve always been different than everyone else.” Quinn turned on her side to face Rachel.

“Why do you say that?” 

“You’ve always understood me when no one else could.” Quinn drew circles on the dark blue bedspread. “It’s always been hard for me to be around people who I have to be totally honest with because when I lie, they know. They see right through me and I have no escape.”

“That’s not a bad thing. You know I would never judge you for anything. You can tell me anything Quinn and it won’t change anything.” Rachel lay down to be parallel with Quinn. She could see the pained expression on her face. “You don’t have to right away. I can wait. Whenever you’re ready.” 

“I know, Rachel, and the fact of the matter is I’m just not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.” Quinn looked into Rachel’s eyes. She could fall into them and live the rest of her life perfectly content. If she never got to look at another thing in her life except for those brown eyes, Quinn knew she could die happy. But she knew she never could and, more importantly, she knew she never would. 

Rachel cleared her throat, trying to ignore the fact that Quinn was practically drooling while staring so intently at her. “Well..uh Quinn? What are you ready for?” 

Quinn was shaken out of her daydream by the question. “Well, I guess…I don’t know. Can we just see where it goes?” 

“I can do that. But for now can you please take a shower now…I really want to minimize your hangover.” Rachel began to rise from the bed to start the shower. 

“Well how about this…I’ll take a shower after I throw up because I know it’s going to happen. For now, why don’t you just come lay with me.” Quinn turned on her back and put her arms over her head. The ceiling was spinning in fast circles and it wasn’t making her nauseous yet, but she knew she would feel it soon. 

Rachel lay on her back next to Quinn. She looked over at her for a moment, watching the girl looked up at the ceiling concentrating on the paint above them. “What do you see up there?” 

Quinn stared harder up at the ceiling trying to find something in it for Rachel. “I see…you. Yeah. I see you up there.”

Rachel furrowed her brow and cocked her head to the side trying to see what Quinn was seeing. “I don’t see it. Maybe it’ because I’m not drunk,” Rachel shrugged. 

Quinn chuckled quietly to herself, amused by Rachel’s confusion. “No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t see you in the actual ceiling. I see you beyond the ceiling, beyond the sky, beyond the sun just up in space with all the other stars except you are shining brighter than all the rest.” 

Rachel grinned and turned her head to face Quinn. “You really see all of that?” 

Quinn smiled, keeping her eyes locked straight ahead not daring to look at Rachel. “Yes I do. I see that and so much more.” 

Rachel wanted to ask what the blonde meant, but she knew that Quinn might not be ready to share, so she just accepted and appreciated everything that Quinn had to say. She scooted closer to Quinn letting, their arms brush gently against each other. “I don’t see that, but if that’s what you see, then I’m glad you do,” Rachel replied. 

Quinn smiled weakly before turning on her side to face Rachel. “Do you think that wishes on stars actually work? I’ve been wishing for the same thing for the last three years and I still haven’t gotten it. Do you think it’s because I sinned? Or just because I’m a terrible person?”

Rachel turned her head to the side to look Quinn in the eyes, only to find herself inches away from Quinn’s face. She could see every detail of the girl’s skin. All of the perfections and imperfections. She could see the gold rings in her hazel eyes and the perfect curvature in her nose. She could see how perfectly groomed her eyebrows were and they way that her lips were tinted the perfect shade of pink. But she could also see the pain in Quinn’s eyes and the suffering she had been through. She could see the defeat in her face and the distress in her wrinkled brow. Rachel reached over to Quinn and rubbed her arm gently in an attempt to comfort the girl. “First of all, you did not sin, you simply made a mistake. People make mistakes every day. They may not pay for them right away like you did, but they still make them, big and small. You are not a sinner, you are only human. Second you’re not a terrible person, you’re just lost and broken and hurt and you don’t know what you are doing anymore. You’re just floating in oblivion trying to figure yourself out. That’s nothing to be punished for.” 

Quinn tried to blink away the tears, but she was drunk, she was drunk and vulnerable and Rachel had just told her everything she needed to hear. She had told her what she already knew but couldn’t find the words to express. She had told her everything that was festering inside of her in one short rant. “How do you even know that when I barely even know what’s wrong with me?” Quinn asked in a shaky voice.

Rachel simply shrugged. “Believe it or not I know you better than you think. Even though you are always pushing me away and calling me awful names, I’m still your friend. I’ve always been here, you just never chose to take advantage of that.” 

Quinn wiped her eyes trying to clear all of the tears running down the bridge of her nose. “I know. I can’t. I can’t bring you into my messed up life. I can’t bring you into this with me, Rachel. It’s not your problem it’s mine. I have made this life for myself and I need to get out of it myself. If I have learned anything from being a Fabray, it’s that we always have to cover up our problems. We must look pristine and never show weakness. Letting you in would just…I would just…I would let you know too much.” 

Quinn shifted to lie on her back again, letting the tears run down the sides of her face. She looked up at the ceiling again, watching the corners of the room spin around. She was feeling it in her stomach now, the flip-flops of the alcohol trying to find their way out of her system. She stayed on her back, content with the feeling in her stomach. She deserved what was coming anyway. 

“Quinn, I just want you to know that I will never judge you. I probably sound like a broken record, but you’re safe with me. Whatever you’re scared of you don’t have to be.” Rachel pushed herself up to rest her weight on her elbow. She reached out to stroke Quinn’s hair trying to comfort the girl. She wanted to wipe the tears that were running down her cheeks, but she was afraid she would ruin the closeness they had found. 

Quinn looked up at Rachel, “I could never tell you what I am hiding deep down, Rachel. I’m sure you would hate me.” Quinn watched as Rachel’s brow wrinkled in sympathy for her. She just wanted to smooth the lines and tell her it was okay, that she didn’t need it, that she was okay, even if they were all lies.

“Quinn, please tell me. I mean you don’t have to I just think you might feel much better after you just get it out.” 

Quinn didn’t speak. She just stared at Rachel. She stared until she saw two of Rachel again. And when she saw the second Rachel she began to speak. “I won’t tell the real Rachel but I’ll tell you.” She said as she pointed to the blur next to Rachel. “I love that girl sitting next to you. I love her so much that I have tortured her to make myself believe that I hate her. But I don’t. I don’t hate her at all. The truth is I love her so much it hurts every time I see her. It hurts to know that she will never love me that she will never see me in that way and it hurts even more to know that it’s my fault because I push her away from me. I don’t want you to tell her though because….she deserves better than me. Okay?” Quinn waited for a response but she never got one. She watched as both Rachels sat still, not even blinking. “Okay, I’m going to let that sink in. I should probably go take that shower now.” 

Quinn attempted to sit up from the bed, but before she could get the coordination to stand, up she felt her stomach jolt. She felt her entire body begin to stiffen waiting for the release. She stood as fast as she could and bolted to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet and releasing the contents of her stomach into the bowl. She could feel the acid burning her throat again and again as she watched the alcohol leave her system and sit before her. Instead of flushing the toilet right away, she sat on the ground and stared into the soiled water. She watched as her vomit swirled around in the bowl. She looked down at it and realized what she was. She was a seventeen year old alcoholic going nowhere. She was a pathetic Lima Loser who was going to be stuck here forever vomiting up the alcohol that had gotten her through the night every morning. This was going to be what she saw every day if she didn’t get her act together. And the worst part of it was, she really didn’t care anymore. 

Rachel was still sitting on the bed replaying Quinn’s words over and over again. Even as she heard the girl vomiting in the bathroom, she sat frozen on the bed. She didn’t know how to feel about what Quinn had just told her. First of all she was drunk, incoherent, she might not even remember what she had just said in the morning. Second, did Quinn really love her? If she did, what was Rachel going to do about it? She and Finn were not an item any longer, but did Rachel actually have feelings for Quinn or was she only intrigued because the most popular girl in school had told her she was in love with her? Did she really like the prospect of being with a girl or was she just curious. Did she really want to take a chance of getting humiliated again by Quinn Fabray or did she want to dodge a bullet, walk away, and tell Puck to come up here and forget this ever happened? 

When the room became silent and she knew Quinn was done, Rachel rose from her spot on the bed and walked to the bathroom. She stood in the doorway, watching Quinn stare down at her vomit. She thought it was a strange thing for someone to do, but when the blonde didn’t stop Rachel walked up behind her and flushed the toilet for her. She sat down next to Quinn and thought about what to say for a moment. Before she could break the silence, Quinn began to speak. “I know you think I’m crazy. Or I’m lying. Or I’m trying to trick you and I’m just waiting to slushy you in front of the entire school. But look at me. I’m pathetic. I spend all of my money on alcohol and I spend my nights in front of a toilet. And I try to make myself presentable for the few hours a day I have to be sober. I don’t even have the money to buy a slushy anymore. I don’t have the willpower to humiliate you and I don’t have the strength to deny you anymore. I’m not saying that you should believe me or even give me a chance. I’m saying that I’m being honest. I’m trying to be honest with you. I had to speak to your drunk blurry twin to even tell you that. So whatever you are going to say next…it’s okay. I can take it.” 

Rachel wrung her hands in her lap and thought about her response. Even after Quinn’s speech, she still didn’t know who or what to believe. All she knew was that she had always wanted to be close to Quinn and now was her chance. Maybe not romantically the way that Quinn claimed she wanted it to be, but it would be something at least. “Well…” Rachel cleared her throat trying to gain the courage to continue, “Quinn, I…you know I think you are a very pretty girl. You know I have always thought that. But I don’t know if I am ready or if I even want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. This is all very sudden and unexpected on my part. However, I do want to help you, and I do want to have a close relationship with you. So…if you are willing to…I would love to just be friends for now. And maybe if it progresses from that, we can be more. But it’s a very slight maybe. I don’t know.” Rachel didn’t take her eyes off her hands the entire time she was speaking.

Quinn had been staring at the white porcelain the entire time Rachel was speaking. As Rachel’s rant came to an end she felt a small smile appear on her face for the first time in months. Even though it was a sad smile, the edges of her mouth had curved up. It was progress. “You don’t have to agree to anything just because you feel bad for me. I don’t want a pity friendship, or to drag you around because you think I need it. I want you to want it, because if you don’t, I don’t want it either. The only thing I want in this world Rachel, well other than for my father to love me, is for you to be happy. And if you are happy being my friend great. If you aren’t, that’s okay too. I don’t want to force you to be here. I have Puck. He’s okay. I mean he gets me what I need when I need it. Even if it isn’t the most healthy way to deal with things. It’s a way.” 

Rachel raised her eyes to meet Quinn’s. As she looked into the hazel eyes staring back at her, she could see the genuine honesty in them. She didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the loneliness or just hitting rock bottom that had made Quinn feel the need to share these feelings with Rachel, but whatever it was, she was glad it was finally happening. 

“No Quinn, I want it too. I have always wanted to be close to you and, even though this is not exactly how I wanted it to happen, I will take it.” Rachel scooted forward a few inches to close the distance between her and Quinn. She placed her hand on Quinn’s thigh and looked into her eyes, trying to get through to Quinn that she meant what she was saying. “I want you to be happy too, Quinn. I’ve wanted you to be happy ever since that day outside the choir room. When I told everyone that Puck was the father. When I saw you crying, cradling your stomach, alone. I wanted nothing more than to just scoop you up and fix your life for you. And now your life has spiraled into this big mess and now I promise you I am going to help you get it back. You can do this. I believe in you. We are going to get through this together. I promise.” 

Quinn nodded. It was all she could do. She had no words, no feelings, no anything. She was feeling so many things at once she wasn’t sure there was one exact word, phrase, paragraph, or even a speech that could express how thankful she was for Rachel Berry at that moment in her life. She had loved her from afar for so long and now here she was, sitting in front of her, claiming that she could make everything better. And Quinn believed her. 

 

One year later…

As Rachel had promised, she was going to get Quinn through this no matter how hard it was to watch Quinn suffer. Rachel drove Quinn home that night. She told her dads what had happened and they let her stay the night. As Rachel had predicted the next day Quinn had a killer hang over. She cried and begged for more alcohol but Rachel refused to giver her any. 

Rachel became frequent at the Fabray house. She would check in with Quinn every day to make sure she was doing okay. They had made a “date night”, every Saturday night they would get out of the house and do something. Sometimes they went bowling; other times they went to the movies and sometimes they just went to the library. No matter how, Rachel got Quinn out of the house.

Rachel had stuck with Quinn for an entire year. It was now their senior year of high school and she had done exactly what she had promised Quinn she would do. She stayed. She helped Quinn succeed and most of all she loved her, unconditionally. She loved her through thick and thin, and even though it was only a friendly kind of love it turned out to be all that Quinn needed. As the months passed, liquor bottles turned into water bottles and nights spent at Puck’s parties turned into night’s spent at the Berry house. 

The girls were inseparable and, as Rachel promised, Quinn was healing. She was forgetting about her father accepting her. She would never completely forget about him, but she was learning to accept that she was who she was and she couldn’t make her father love her. If he didn’t want to, it was his loss.

She was keeping in touch with Shelby and Beth. She visited her daughter once a month and promised that, even when she went away to college, she would be a part of Beth’s life. She would be there to witness her first steps and her first words and her fist solid foods. Even if she wasn’t present for them she would be there to support her daughter in everything she did.

And most importantly Quinn had herself back. She was no longer hiding behind the daze of alcohol. She no longer waited for parties and booze to become comfortable with who she was. She simply was. She learned to love herself just because she was Quinn Fabray. 

And now on the last day of her senior year, she couldn’t think of a better place to be than sitting next to Rachel Berry. “So, it’s really over. We are really getting out of here,” Quinn said as she played with the hem of her white dress.

Rachel simply nodded in return as she stared out at the football field. “It’s over. We are both leaving Lima. I wish I could say never to come back, but our families will still be here..so you know. We’ll be back.” 

Quinn chuckled before looking down at her shoes. She stared at them. Her shoes size had changed after her pregnancy, and even it was only a small amount, it was a mark left by her daughter. “We have to come back. There is so much here for us.” 

Rachel looked up at Quinn and smiled. “Yeah we have to come back to this exact spot.” 

Quinn furrowed her brow. “Why, because this is the Cheerio’s field? I didn’t love it that much Rach…” Quinn joked.

Rachel turned her body towards Quinn, taking her hands in her own. “No that’s not why. For a much better reason than Sue Sylvester.” 

Quinn was confused now. She hadn’t seen Rachel this serious in months, “Rachel…I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing important has ever happened here.” 

“Yet.” Rachel said, rubbing her thumbs over the back of Quinn’s palms. “Do you remember that night in Puck’s room? When I said we would see where things would go with us?”

Quinn’s heart began to palpitate in her chest. “Yes. I do…” Quinn responded with a shaky voice. 

“Well I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do since then, and I think after an entire year of contemplating I have made up my mind.” Rachel moved closer to Quinn, letting their thighs touch. 

Quinn felt the need to scoot away to gain distance between her and Rachel. She needed control of the situation, but she wanted Rachel to take her over too. She wanted whatever Rachel was going to say next to simply wash over her like a tidal wave and completely drown her. 

“I have been thinking that when you are at Yale and I am at NYADA I don’t want anyone or anything to come between us. I don’t want some English stud or some theater hottie to come and snatch you away from me. I don’t want the geek at the coffee shop or the nerdy math wiz to impress you with their brains. I want to impress you. I want to consume your every thought. I want to complete every inch of your soul and the only way I can truly do that is if I do what I should have done a year ago when I found you at Puck’s party. I need to make you mine. I need to have every part of you. So…I’m asking you. Well I guess I’m telling you. Quinn Fabray I need to be your girlfriend or I might just go crazy.” 

Quinn sat for a moment, frozen in a perfect moment in time. A time when Rachel Berry was saying she needed her. A time when everything Quinn had ever wanted was coming true. “Rachel Berry, if you spend one more minute not being my girlfriend I might explode. So, yes. Yes I will be your girlfriend.” Quinn threw her arms around Rachel’s shoulders, holding the girl as tight as she possibly could until she realized. “So..does this mean I get to kiss you now?” 

Rachel smiled over Quinn’s shoulder and nodded. Quinn slowly pulled away from Rachel, moving her hands to the brunette’s jaw and stroking her soft skin with her thumb. She had been waiting for this moment for so long. Now that it was actually happening she wasn’t even sure if it was real. “Rachel Berry. I’m going to kiss you now.” 

Rachel looked into Quinn’s hazel eyes, mesmerized by the loving stare the girl had fallen into. Rachel felt her entire body go limp as she looked into the other girl’s eyes. Quinn inched closer and closer until Rachel watched her hazel eyes disappear behind her eyelids and Quinn’s lips touch hers. When Quinn’s lips met Rachel’s she felt everything everyone had ever told her about love come true. She saw fireworks, she felt her soul ignite, she felt loved, she felt whole, she felt Quinn Fabray taking a piece of her heart and keeping it in her own. 

Their lips lingered on each other’s for a moment before both of them pulled back, eyelids heavy and hearts dancing on air. “I could get used to this,” Rachel said wrapping her fingers around Quinn’s neck. 

“Well you better because I am going to be doing this for a long time.” Quinn leaned her forehead against Rachel’s and sighed. “You really think this is what you want? You know I never wanted to pressure you into this.” 

Rachel smiled and kissed the tip of Quinn’s nose. “If I don’t belong with you then I don’t belong on Broadway either.” 

“Point taken.”

Author's Note

Disclaimer (I do not own Glee or any of its characters)
I didn't mean for this to get as long as it is.