Breaking the Silence

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

Quinn stared down at the letter in her hands for a long time. She had not expected for a response, for Rachel to reach out. She had hoped that the unanswered texts and the ignored calls would be enough to get her to stop trying. She had honestly hoped that Rachel would be too shocked to follow up with her.

However at the same time she had hoped that Rachel would chase after her, that she would fight for her to come back.

Quinn was stuck, she didn't know how to answer this letter. Should she go back? Should she simply respond and tell the girl it was a mistake? Should she not respond at all? No, Rachel deserved to know what Quinn chose whatever it was.

The blonde put the letter down on her desk and stared down at it. She decided to leave it for a while and think about what she wanted to say. She walked away from the letter and went back to her homework.

Quinn refused to look at the letter for a week. Everyday she would come back from class and see it sitting on her desk, but she never dared to touch it. She had to have the perfect response. Rachel deserved to know why Quinn had simply left, why shad had abandoned her.

Quinn finally sat down at her desk, took a deep breath and picked up a pen.

Dear Rachel,

I'm sorry I have taken so long to answer. I really wanted to answer this letter the best way I could and the best way I can think of to do that is to simply start from the beginning.

I want to start from the beginning of our relationship to truly make you see why I have done such awful things to you. To explain why I fled. I assure you none of this is an excuse for what I have done. I truly am sorry for what I have done to you. I did mean that when I said it to you. I am so deeply sorry for the torture I have put you through in the past. I don't deserve for you to love me, but because I am lucky enough to have your heart, I want to try and earn it.

The first time I ever saw you was when I was a freshman in high school, right after Lucy had been destroyed and Quinn had been born. I saw you standing in front of your locker, you were wearing a yellow shirt with a blue and yellow plaid skirt, blue knee highs and your loafers. I couldn't help but thinking that it was the ugliest outfit I had ever seen. But it didn't make me hate you. I just thought you had poor taste in clothing.

I saw you in the hallways and a few classes but I really thought nothing of it. You were just another girl at Mckinley. It wasn't until my sophomore year that I really saw you. You formed the glee club and recruited Finn and I was furious. For multiple reasons. I was furious because he was making himself look like a complete and total loser, and now that we are in college that sounds so stupid.. I was furious because I knew my parents would kill me if they found out that my boyfriend was being made fun of and ridiculed by the student body. And I was most of all pissed because you were trying to steal Finn from me.

It's not that I really loved Finn, or that I was attached to him. I just wanted to impress my parents with the hot quarterback. We were the perfect couple, at least it seemed that way to outsiders and that was all that mattered to me. And then some girl named Rachel Berry came and tried to screw that up.

I hated you for a while, I hated you for trying to steal my boyfriend. I hated you until Sue asked us to join glee club and spy on you. The first day I went to the club I heard you sing and everything changed. I understood what Finn saw in you. Something...I'm not sure what was awakened inside of me and after that day. I hated that you were going after Finn because he could never be good enough for you. I wanted to keep him away from you.

I think I honestly fell in love with you that first time you sang, but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't understand what I was feeling. You were constantly on my mind. Whenever I was around you I felt...well I felt. No one had ever made me really feel before, until you. I tortured you, slushied you, made fun of you. I ordered everyone to hate you too. I tried as hard as I could to get you out of my mind, to protect myself from you. But nothing worked. Every time I saw your face after you got slushied, every time I saw you cry, it killed me. I just wanted to scoop you up and tell you everything would be okay, that I would never hurt you again.

But everyday I would go home and my parents would ask me the same questions. They would ask about my status at school, they would ask about Finn. They expected me to stay on top and if I slipped I knew what the consequences would be. So I sucked it up and buried my feelings for you, or tried to at least.. I tried to ignore you. I tried to stop feeling. I slept with puck to try and feel something, anything. But that only ended in disaster. I lost my family, I lost my status, I lost Finn and the only thing that stayed constant in my life was you. You still tried to be my friend. You still tried to help me even though I was so awful to you. I couldn't handle how nice you were. I pushed you away. I pushed everyone away. Even Puck, the father of my baby. I stayed on top of my homework. When I wasn't doing homework I was sleeping in Mercedes's room. If I wasn't sleeping or doing homework I was in glee club.

Finally Beth was born and I gave her to Shelby. I felt awful for giving her to your birth mother, but she really wanted her, and I knew she could give her a good home, and a good life. I can't imagine how it felt for you and I am still so sorry.

After Beth was born I went into a very deep postpartum depression. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was Beth. My life was ruined because of this child, and yet I didn't even have her here with me. She was the only person in the whole world who could love me unconditionally and she wasn't even mine. My world spiraled out of control.

I began attacking people. Plotting against everyone. I felt like the entire world was up against me and I had to fight back. I began to bully you even more. I tried to get Finn back and eventually succeeded. I remember telling you so many times to leave, to get out of here because you are so much better than Lima. I meant that every time. I wanted you to get out of Lima and become someone because the rest of us were never going to achieve that.

For the next few years I simply tried my best to avoid you, to keep my distance. We had our talks and we were civil for the most part, but it pained me every time I was around you. You and Finn were stronger than ever. Every touch, every kiss, every look you two gave each other stabbed me like a knife. I wanted so badly to be in Finn's shoes. I wanted to hold you, to comfort you, to be there every step of the way and I never could. I never could because I had made it that way. And that's what really killed me.

The final event that had really gotten to me was your engagement. When you and Finn got engaged it was really over. I knew that I never had a chance with you, but when you two made it official, I thought he was the one, that he was who you were going to spend the rest of your life with. It killed me to know that you would settle for someone who knew so little about the world, someone who would hold you back. Finn always seemed to be in awe of you and never really appreciated you. He never gave you what you deserved. You deserved and equal partner, not someone who was going to follow you around like a lost puppy cheering you on.

I was so angry at both of you for being so stupid, trying to get married so young. When I realized I couldn't change your mind and decided to come to the wedding I was genuinely happy for you. I was happy that you were happy and that was all that I needed. I was happy for the first time in a long time, until the car crash.

When I was paralyzed I woke up in white room with bright florescent lights and no one to greet me except for you. No one else had come. But there you were, perched on the small chair next to my bed, holding my hand. When I opened my eyes and saw you sitting there all I wanted to do was sit up and kiss you, but then I realized I couldn't move. And as I tried you looked down at me with such empathy and you told me what happened. My own mother wouldn't even come into the room, but you lay next to me in bed and held me as I cried.

You were there in the hospital with me. You came every day. I think you might have been the only reason I never gave up. You never told anyone you were coming either. Not Finn, not your dads, not the glee club. You just did. You always had a smile on your face. You always had kind words for me. Not once did you ever get angry when I got frustrated. Even after I went back to school and I was in that stupid chair. You came to physical therapy with me. You helped me through all the ups and downs. When I thought I would never be able to walk again you gave me an inspirational Rachel Berry speech. You helped me and you never asked for anything in return.

I stood at prom and of course you came to find me afterwards to congratulate me and tell me how proud you were of me. Even when I got out of the chair and we were all graduating. I gave you the metro pass and you actually used it. We became such close friends and then finally that weekend happened.

I remember the instant I knew we were going to - I just knew. I was sitting on your couch reading a book and I felt your eyes on me. I looked at you and there was just fire in your eyes. You stood from your place on the couch and you sat down next to me. And I said 'what are you doing?' and you said 'I'm just looking' and when I asked you at what you told me 'I'm looking at how beautiful you are.'

But I knew you didn't mean my face, my body, my outer shell. You meant me. And no one had really ever said that before. No one had ever recognized that. We sat on the couch for a while. You just looked at me and you got closer and closer. You moved a piece of hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek, and you kept peppering kisses on my face until you finally kissed my lips. You kissed me and I felt alive, I felt you everywhere and I needed more. I need you. I couldn't let go. I kissed you so hard and so fast and finally you broke the kiss and led me to your room.

You took my to that bed and you unraveled me over and over and over and I was bare. And I was naked and vulnerable and - loved. You loved me, Rachel. You loved me so intensely. I fell asleep in your arms. I was so happy. I just - I wanted to stay there forever. But when I woke up you were gone. I was scared. I was scared it was a dream, a wish that would never come true. So I did what I always do. I packed my things and I ran.

I'm sorry for my long silence. I just didn't know how to say it. I was just scared you didn't love me back. But, now that I know you do. Can we try again? I want you, Rachel. But I want to do this right. I want to give you what you deserve. Please let me prove to you that what I feel for you is real.

Love,

Quinn.