A Good Comedy

A self reflective script I wrote for my writers craft class. A satire of what a comedy should consist of.

Scene is set in an office room where a professional looking man (MR. ROCKSHIRE) is attending to papers on his desk. In walks a man with a tweed jacket (JEFFREY WYNDOM) and frazzled hair.

JEFFREY WYNDOM

Sir I finished that script you asked for

Awkward pause as JEFFREY stands in front of desk and MR. ROCKSHIRE continues to write. Turns over paper continues working stroking out an entire page line by line with aggressive scratches. JEFFREY shifts uncomfortably.

JEFFREY

Sir?

MR. ROCKSHIRE

(looks up from his work at JEFFREY)

 Hello Jeffrey, how are you?

JEFFREY

Very well Si�"(Interupted by MR.ROCKSHIRE)

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Here throw this out for me I’ve spent too much time on it already

MR.ROCKSHIRE hands JEFFREY the scratched out page and points to the trash bin behind JEFFREY. JEFFREY walks to bin and puts page in garbage.

CLOSE UP- Garbage bin filled with dozens of stroked out pages (presumably scripts).

MR. ROCKSHIRE

(Continues working on desk)

So what is it that you want? (Impatient tone, does not look up from work)

JEFFREY

Umm I finished that script you asked for

MR. ROCKSHIRE

What script? (Impatient)

JEFFREY

The uhh comedy one, you uhh asked me a couple uhh months ago to do

(looks up for acknowledgment from MR. ROCKSHIRE but he does not lift his focus from his work)

 It was the uhh comedy one, you umm said that we needed to write a movie for Joel McMcMcHale (stutters) since his contract with us is uhh running out soon

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Of course I remember now

 Here give me the script

(holds out hand without taking eyes of work)

JEFFREY slowly extends hand with script and MR. ROCKSHIRE grabs it quickly. JEFFREY turns to leave.

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Hey! (yell) Where do you think you’re going?

JEFFREY

Sir I was just going to leave you to your uhh umm work

MR. ROCKSHIRE

No here stay for a while I’ll read the first couple pages see if it’s crap! (laughs)

JEFFREY

Right now Sir?

MR.ROCKSIRE

Ya why not, here grab a seat (motions to chair in front of desk)

I’ve got all the time in the world

JEFFREY sits down and the chair creaks as he shifts his weight.  MR. ROCKSHIRE starts reading script eyebrows frowned towards page. JEFFREY’S chair creaks again as time passes in silence.

CLOSE UP- Clock shown with time changing from 2:35pm to 3:27pm indicating passage of time.

MR. ROCKSHIRE slams scripts down aggressively awaking JEFFREY who had fallen half asleep while     MR. ROCKSHIRE was reading the script.

MR. ROCKSHIRE

It’s crap!

JEFFREY

I’m sorry Sir?

MR. ROCKSHIRE

I said it’s crap! What the hell is this? It sure as hells isn’t comedy!

 I didn’t crack a smile through the whole script!

Did you see me smile? (looks over to JEFFREY)

JEFFREY

No Sir

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Darn right that’s because I didn’t.

When I asked you to write this I wanted something that would make people pee themselves not cry!

JEFFREY

Uhh yes Sir I know it’s not as slapstick as you wanted but I thought that if I developed the umm character through some relatable events that audiences would uhh

empathize with him and make the comedic parts stand out (stutters) m-m-more when they do happen

MR. ROCKSHIRE

You think people go to the movies to empathize with someone?

(looks at JEFFREY who shrugs)

Hell no they don’t!

They want to see Joey McHale get hit in the jewels with a tennis ball

and then for the tennis ball to bounce of the ground and hit him again

(MR. ROCKSHIRE is animated and acting out the tennis ball’s motions as he talks)

JEFFREY

But this story will display McHale’s acting ability uhh

(panicky voice) We could even win an Oscar!

MR. ROCKSHIRE

(laughs) JEFFREY I don’t give a hoot about Oscars

An Oscar is a little naked man made of metal that people pretend is worth something

I don’t get paid in Oscars

I get paid in cash

Do you know how much Jackass 3D made?

(Waits for JEFFREY to respond but JEFFREY does not)

Hmm do you?

JEFFREY

(obviously frustrated) No Sir

MR. ROCKSHIRE

One hundred and seventy… million!

(emphasizes million by tapping hand on desk)

And do you know how much character development it had?

(break)

Zero!

(emphasizes zero by smacking hand on desk)

At this point MR. ROCKSHIRE stands up and points down at JEFFREY who avoids eye contact.

MR. ROCKSHIRE

So what I need you (points JEFFREY) to do is give this script a facelift!

I don’t want to see any more writing about divorced husbands, dead dogs

and depressing failed poets

Do you understand me?

JEFFREY

But Sir what about the last movie you came out with uhh

The Dude Olympics right?

(JEFFREY looks at The Dude Olympics poster on the wall

which is Jon Heder cross eyed tripping over a hurdle)

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Yes what about it?

(awkward silence)

JEFFREY

(sighs) Nevermind

MR.ROCKSHIRE

Yes that’s what I thought

So anyways (starts pacing behind desk) when you make your

(holds up quotations) “new” script I want you to get rid of the sap and add some slap

(looks at JEFFREY and pauses)

You should probably write this down

JEFFREY

Oh umm yes of course Sir

(pulls out book and paper from bag)

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Good, (resumes pacing) make sure you get the no sap more slap line

I like that,

other than that keep the characters they’re fine, just make them

(pauses) hmm what’s the word?

JEFFREY

Stupider? (mumbles)

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Yes exactly, stupider!

You see, you say it as if it is a bad thing but you have to admit

we are pandering to the masses.

Stupid people who like stupid things!

We want to make a movie where the audience doesn’t have to think

because people hate thinking!

JEFFREY

But Sir what about people who appreciate a more complex story?

MR. ROCKSHIRE

(still pacing) They son are in the minority

I am running a business here

(holds out arms to regard the office surrounding him)

 not an independent movie festival!

We provide a service for the everyday person and they appreciate it

with their wallets!

You understand what I’m trying to say JEFFREY?

JEFFREY

Yes Sir

MR. ROCKSHIRE

(stops pacing and sits down) Alright good

I want to see you back in my office in sixth months

and I want to be happy with the product you give me!

And I say (holds up quotations) “product” because I do not want you to make art

art is for children and fools, I live in the real world, and so do you!

and if you’re tired of the real world I’m sure I can find someone else who isn’t

you understand me?

I want you to make me something I can package and sell, a product!

(stamps desk to emphasize product)

JEFFREY

Yes Sir I understand (nodding vigorously)

MR. ROCKSHIRE

Alright then get out of my office

I have better things to do than yell at you

JEFFREY

Yes Sir

MR. ROCKSHIRE

And take this with you I don’t want see it again

(hands JEFFREY the script)

JEFFREY

Yes Sir

JEFFREY gets up from the chair quickly and put the notes he has taken back in his bag. JEFFREY stops at the trash bin on his way out and throws his script into on top of all the other paper. When JEFFREY looks back MR. ROCKSHIRE is already deep in his work with his pen scratching along his paper. JEFFREY closes the door and leaves the building quickly. When he makes it to his car he inhales a sigh and shrugs. Beside him on the passenger seat is a stack of papers.

SHIFT CAMERA FOCUS FROM JEFFREY TO PAPERS- Papers read; Back Up Stupider Script.

JEFFREY

(mutters to self)

Well it was worth a shot

 

THE END

Author's Note

Any critisism is appreciated on script writing technique. This is the first script I have ever wrote.

Reviews

[avant security guard]

this is very good--keep going--keep working on comedy--if you think it's funny--that's half the battle--read it to friends--enemies--cabdrivers--parole officers--policemen--waitresses--strippers--especially strippers--and coeds--coed strippers--yeah

[Joby Bottoms]

My advice is to structure this in the more traditional sense so that it's more consumable by the reader. Don't centralise the text. Your text should be justified or along the left hand side of the page. Put your stage directions in italics (or a different font) and when each character is speaking, have their name in a margin at the left hand side followed by their speech in speech marks next to it. Like this:
Jeffrey: "But sir, what about the people that appreciate a more complex story?"
Mr. Rockshire: (still pacing - put this in italics) "They son are in the minority. I am running a business here."
It's a much easier way to read and digest what is going on. Ultimately a script has to be picked up by a Director and an Actor at minimum. The Director wants to be able to immediately identify the stage directions (including where you set the scene at the beginning of each Act) and the Actor wants to be able to easily see where their parts are to be able to learn their lines and the queues before them. That's why it is important to put the actor's names in a margin (or a separate space) along the left hand side of the page before going into the speech.
I hope this helps you with structuring your future scripts. If you need more detailed advice or a sample of a script sent to you to show you form, drop me a line.
Lastly, keep at it because your content is good.
Best of Luck.