The tale of Geoffrey Swaggins

the first of Geoffrey Swaggin's adventures.

In a small village called Rivetton, in a strange land a boy sat awaiting adventure. He sat around a tree stump with three companions. They were gathered in a secluded part of the village. They met here once a day to discuss tales told by their grandparents and dream about going out into the world to find their own adventure.

 Geoffrey Swaggins was the leader of this group. He wasn’t voted leader he just spoke with the most authority and had the final say in their discussions. He was 16 with brown curly hair. Also gathered was Siro Hasino. Siro Hasino’s family moved to Rivetton from the Far East. His twin brother Yi Brranky sat beside him. Though brothers, Siro and Yi belonged to different families. Siro’s family didn’t believe they could support two children so the kind Brranky family adopted Yi. These boys were 17 years old but looked about 15. The last boy in the group was no man.  He belonged to the only dwarf family in the village. His name was Visteck Brawith; he was 4’ 8” and was 16 years in age. Though young he had a thick red beard and looked to be 40.

This meeting started as any other. Geoffrey was telling the tale of Merlin, his Grandpa Colin had told him about him the night before in order to better explain King Arthur’s legend. “And that’s why Merlin was known as the most powerful Warlock who ever lived.”

“That is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard” Visteck said rudely. “If he was so powerful why wasn’t he king!”

“Because Arthur was the only one who could unite Albion” Geoffrey protested, “Anyway the point is Merlin was awesome.”

Just then armored men ran into the clearing yelling at the boys to stand down. They surrounded Geoffrey’s group and prepared their swords.

 Confused by this intrusion Geoffrey stood up. “Why are you all here? Have we broken some law?” A single man stepped forward. He had the crest of a dragon upon his shield.

            “I am Sir Percival, knight of Rivetton, these are my fellow knights. We noticed your group and were wondering why you were not dressed in your armor.”

            “We are not dressed in our armor because we do not own armor.” Siro stated, as though it were obvious. “What need would we have of armor?”

            “You know as well as any other that the king has imposed a draft of the able bodied men of the village. We are here to impose this draft.”

            “When was this draft announced?” Yi asked incredulous. “We have no memory of it”

            “It was passed this morning. Did you not check the bulletin board?” Sir Percival asked. The boys all shook their heads. “Well, as the only boys who haven’t already left you are given the duty of….” Sir Percival thought for a moment. “You must search the island to the North for any food and native life.”

            “So you want four teenagers without any training to search a foreign, potentially dangerous, Island” Geoffrey asked. “Will we be given weapons and armor for our journey?”

            “Of course, by which I mean no. All the armor was already given out and the only weapons we have to give are training swords.” Sir Percival said plainly.

            “Where can we get these training swords?” Asked Yi.

            “Well you can get them at the castle of course.” Percival told them. “However as they are for training they cannot leave the castle grounds. Now if you’ll excuse us we must get going.”

“As the Elite knights what is your job?” asked Visteck.

            “Well we are trusted with only the most urgent matters. Our current mission is to muck out the stables, Good day.” Sir Percival left with his men.

            “Well thanks for that, dumb knights, why do we get the difficult stuff?” asked Yi.

            “Clearly you’ve never seen the kings’ stables.” Visteck said.

            “Hey, at least we get an adventure guy’s. This is going to be epic.” Geoffrey said enthusiastically.

            “So what should we do?” asked Siro.

            “Well we should start heading north. We might be able to make it to the island today if we’re quick.” Geoffrey took charge of the group and led them north through the forest. After travelling for hours they realized that they had made a grave mistake. Visteck was first to realize.

            “Um, guys. We don’t have any food or water. We’re probably gonna die.” Yi and Siro began to panic. Geoffrey felt like he had failed the group already. Then he got an idea.

            “We won’t die. We just have to search for the forest lake.” Geoffrey said plainly.

            “What forest lake?” asked Yi and Siro in unison.

            “Come on guy’s. Everybody knows that within every forest is a forest lake. These lakes supply true adventurers with all their needs. Since we are true adventurers we will have no problem finding the lake.” Geoffrey seemed cool and collected and this calmed the group. They began to search the forest for the lake. And after two hours, to Geoffrey’s surprise, they actually found a lake. Along the western edge were four bags that were full of bread and water pouches.

            “I’m gonna be honest Geoffrey I had begun doubting you.” Visteck admitted.

            “I’m gonna be honest with you Visteck I was making it up and hoping.” Geoffrey said.

            “You had no idea” Yi glared at Geoffrey. “ You mean we could’ve been searching for days?”

            “Oh no, of course not. We probably would’ve died by then.” The group took turns punching Geoffrey. Afterwards he regained control. “It’s pretty amazing that the lake had four supply bag’s ready to go. Well guys let’s get moving.”

 

            About a mile away four different adventurers were searching for the Holy Grail. They were on their way back to the lake where they had left their supplies. Desperate for food and water.

 

            Geoffrey’s group reached the coast. In the distance they could see an island that looked to be about a mile out. There was no clear path to get on the island that the group could see. Whirlpools were swiftly turning around the islands.

            “How are we supposed to get there? We can’t very well swim across! Dwarves are not known for swimming.” Visteck shouted at Geoffrey.

            “Well we were sent to explore the island. If someone had made a clear path wouldn’t you assume it’s already been explored.” Geoffrey said calmly. “Let’s look to see if there is a better place to swim across.”

            The group moved along the coast for what seemed hours but in actuality was about 20 minutes. They then came across a long wooden bridge. The bridge led directly to the island however it was so thin they would have to walk single file to get across. Directly under the bridge the water was not turning in a whirlpool. Instead there was no water at all. There was a seemingly endless fissure in the earth. Geoffrey stepped carefully on the bridge. A loud creek was heard beneath his feet. The group stared at each other nervously. All except Visteck who just seemed enraged.

            “Why would somebody build a mile long bridge over a fissure in the earth rather than, oh I don’t know, over the water! It doesn’t make any sense.” Visteck screamed aloud.

            “Look if you’re gonna yell the whole adventure you can just go home. Nobody wants to hear it Visteck.” Siro said quietly.

            “We can get through this guy’s. Nobody would build a bridge that’s going to break.” Said Geoffrey rationally.

“Again, no sensible person would build a bridge OVER A GIANT FISSURE. Just saying.” Added Visteck after seeing the look he got from Siro.

            “Let’s go guys. Onwards to adventure!”

            “You go across the crazy man’s bridge. Ill chance it with the whirlpools.” Visteck said. He turned and left for the nearest whirlpool.

            “Didn’t he just say Dwarves aren’t good swimmers?” Yi asked.

            “Whatever we’ll meet up with him later. Let’s go guys.” Geoffrey led the group onto the bridge. And they began their slow journey across. The group held their breath as it swayed in the breeze. They traveled for an hour until they reached the other side. Upon arrival they couldn’t believe what they saw.

Visteck lay in front of them wearing a straw hat and drinking from a coconut through a straw. “It’s about time you showed up. I’ve been waiting at least twenty minutes.”

“Several questions come to mind” Yi said. “The first and probably the most important is where did you get a straw on an island.”

“Found it.”

“You found a straw.”

“Yup”

“On an island”

“Yes sir.”

“I suppose the straw hat...”

“Also found it on the island. Now are we going ask questions or are we going to get moving.”

“You’re very right Visteck, Let’s go guys.” Geoffrey regained control and the group began exploring the coast. As far as they could see the island was deserted. The only resources they could see were the palm trees. They walked for hours until finally they could walk no more. They prepared camp for the night. As they were setting up for a dinner of bread and coconut milk Siro heard a strange sound.

“Guy’s do you hear that. It sounds like rustling in the bushes.”

“What could possibly be rustling the bushes?” Visteck asked. “We’ve been on this giant island for hours. What life could we have missed?”

Just then twenty men stormed through the brush surrounding the group. Geoffrey was the first to react. “Well this seems familiar.” The boys were grabbed and dragged away. Only leaving behind Visteck’s straw hat. They were brought aboard a large ship and tied to the center mast. The ship was by far the biggest vessel any of the boys had ever seen. The Mast’s each had a large black sail with a picture of a skull and cross bones in the center.

“OH GOD WE’RE GONNA DIE” Visteck cried.

“You know if we had checked the brush we could’ve run away” Siro said angrily.

“IF ONLY THIS COULD’VE BEEN AVOIDED.” Visteck yelled.

A man walked directly in front of Geoffrey. He was large and wearing a big black hat, bearing the same insignia as the sails. “I am Captain Gary P. Why are you trespassing on my island?”

“Why does a pirate own an island?” asked Siro.

“Hold your tongue or I’ll throw you off the ship” Captain Gary P. said coldly. “Are you trying to foil all I’ve worked for?”

“What do you think we’re trying to foil?” asked Yi.

“My scheme to take over the sea with my….. Oh no, wait. Good try but I won’t be fooled. I’ll never tell you”

“What if we said please?” asked Visteck”

“Darn your cunning. Okay, I’m planning to use this machinery I got from the islands scientist’s to upgrade a kraken, making it the ultimate sea creature.”

“WAIT. I refuse to accept that in this medieval society we have not only pirates but also scientists.” Geoffrey joined in on the conversation “and how could there be a Kraken living in the water that would listen to you? It doesn’t make any sense!”

“Yea but neither does building a bridge over a giant whole in the ground rather than the water.” Visteck said.

“Don’t start on that again!” Geoffrey yelled.

            “ENOUGH!” Captain Gary regained control of the situation. “One of you boy’s tell me why you’re here or your being fed to the Kraken!”

“We are here because our king drafted us to search the island.” Geoffrey told him. “Now please let us go and we’ll leave peacefully.”

            “I can’t let you go now. You know too much.” He turned to his crew. “Feed them to the Kraken, Starting with the ugly one.”

            “Not Yi he’s so innocent” Visteck pleaded.

“I meant you, Dwarf.” Captain Gary said.

“Now that’s just rude.” The pirates untied Visteck and threw him into the water. A giant beast flew from the depths and swallowed Visteck whole. Geoffrey couldn’t watch. He knew that he had failed the group. He couldn’t watch the consequence of his poor leadership. The boy’s looked to the floor resigned to their fate.

“Next the Leader and make sure the other two can watch”

            The men went to untie Geoffrey when Siro interrupted “Wait he’s not officially the leader, maybe I’m the leader!”

            “Or me, I could lead” said Yi.

            “Guy’s just let me go, I’m sorry I let you down” Geoffrey had tears in his eyes. “We nearly died in the woods because I wouldn’t go back for provisions. I lied and made up a lake. I didn’t look for a safer route than the bridge that could’ve collapsed under our weight. I didn’t check the island enough in case of Pirates. I’m sorry.”

            “Quit your blubbering and prepare for your doom” The Captain said.

            “WAIT!” Siro yelled. “What’s that sound?”

            “What sound?” asked the Captain. “Stop stalling!”

            “No I hear it too. It’s like a bubbling sound” Yi said.

            “NO. There is no sound. Especially no bubbling sound. And definitely no bubbling sound that is getting louder by the second that is starting to overshadow my �" Gosh darn it” a large monster flew from sea. It had 8 long red tentacles and appeared to be a squid except for its large beak. Everyone on the ship stared up at the Kraken but what baffled them wasn’t the fact that such a creature could exist. But that there was a strange laughing coming from the back. When the creature began its fall the group could see a small figure laughing hysterically, wearing a straw hat.

            “That couldn’t be?” Siro said.

            “It has to be” said Geoffrey.

            “WHERE DID VISTECK GET A STRAW HAT UNDERWATER?!” Yi yelled.

            “GO MY FRIEND, DESTROY!” Yelled Visteck. The creature swung one heavy tentacle and lifted up Yi, Geoffrey, and Siro. It used another to crush the ship in two. The kraken placed the boy’s on its back.

            “You befriended the Kraken?” asked Yi.

            “Yup” said Visteck.

            “Underwater”

            “Yes sir” Visteck smiled. “Plus I found where the hat’s came from.”

            “Where?” asked Siro. “You were underwater”

            “Yea, there was a crashed ship under there. The side of the boat read Al’s discount straw and straw products” Visteck turned and stared at Geoffrey “Why are you so quiet?”

            Geoffrey looked at Visteck and smiled. “It’s good to have you back buddy” he patted him on the back. “Can you have the Kraken bring us home?”

            “Sure thing boss, she’s really very sweet, Aren’t you girl?” The kraken gave an approving yip and moved faster in the direction of home.”

            “You know” started Visteck. “We never found out who build the crazy man’s bridge”

            “I’m sure we’ll find out someday.” Geoffrey said. “Now let’s get some sleep, it’s a long way home”

 

            About 4 miles out four different adventurers were sitting next to a lake where they had left their supplies. Upon arriving they found their bags missing. Soon they would die of hunger. A white missed slowly crept in surrounding them. Then quickly cleared. Now standing before them stood an old man with a big white beard and wearing red robes.

            “Now boy’s, how will you find the Holy Grail at this rate?” he asked.

            “How do you know our quest?” asked one adventurer.

            “Because I know all. I can do anything. Simply using my mind.” The old man’s eyes glowed golden and suddenly four back packs appeared. The men ran to them and began stuffing their faces with bread. The old man turned to leave.

“Wait, who are you?” asked the same adventurer as before.

“My name is Merlin, I’m the most powerful wizard in history” The old man revealed.

“What will you do now” inquired the adventurer.

“Oh I don’t know, I’ve been having quite a bit of fun building bridges over fissure lately” Merlin smiled and vanished.

Reviews

[Tunder]

"About 4 miles out four different adventurers were sitting next to a lake where they had left their supplies." *** "About four (keep it consistent. If you're using words, use words. If you're using numbers, use numbers. Check the beginning of your story to see which you've used most and make it consistent the whole way through) miles out, four different adventurers were sitting next to the lake where they had left their supplies."





"Upon arriving they found their bags missing" Add comma after 'arriving' and period at the end.





"A white missed slowly crept in surrounding them. Then quickly cleared. Now standing before them stood an old man with a big white beard and wearing red robes." *** "A white mist slowly crept in and surrounded them, then quickly cleared. Now, standing before them stood an old man with a long white beard and wearing red robes."



“How do you know our quest?” *** "How do you know about our quest?"



“Because I know all. I can do anything. Simply using my mind.” *** "Because I know all. I can do anything by simply using my mind."



"The old man’s eyes glowed golden and suddenly four back packs appeared." *** "The old man's eyes glowed gold(I'm not sure if you should use 'gold' or 'golden', so try saying it out loud to yourself to see which is less awkward), and suddenly, four backpacks appeared."



“My name is Merlin, I’m the most powerful wizard in history” *** "My name is Merlin and I'm the most powerful wizard in history." *** "My name is Merlin, the most powerful wizard in history." *** "My name is Merlin. I am the most powerful wizard in history." Your version may be correct too, but I'm not sure. You could also rephrase this to, "My name is Merlin. You know, the most powerful wizard in history."



“What will you do now” You forgot a question mark.



This is literally the best ending ever!! Did you plan this out, or did it just happen as you wrote? What was the prompt? This is one of my favorite things I've read on this site!

[Tunder]

"In the distance they could see an island that looked to be about a mile out." Add a comma after 'distance'.



"Dwarves are not known for swimming.' Visteck shouted at Geoffrey." Since, Visteck is shouting, it makes more sense to have an exclamation point after 'swimming' instead of a period.



'“Well we were sent to explore the island. If someone had made a clear path wouldn’t you assume it’s already been explored.”' Add a comma after 'well'. (Also, Geoffrey's sass is just overwhelming, so I change my mind, he is my favorite.)



"The bridge led directly to the island however it was so thin they would have to walk single file to get across." Try, "The bridge led directly to the island, however, it was so thin that they would have to walk single file to get across".



"'It doesn’t make any sense.' Visteck screamed aloud." Consider replacing your period with an exclamation point. I have no idea what the difference between 'aloud' and 'out loud' is, or which would be correct in this case. You could just cut it from the story altogether since it's assumed that he screamed out loud.



'“Look if you’re gonna yell the whole adventure you can just go home. Nobody wants to hear it Visteck.”' Add a comma after 'look', adventure, and 'it'.



There is another guys with an apostrophe that is unneeded, but I don't think I need to point it out again, and I hope that's ok. :)



"'Ill chance it with the whirlpools.”' 'Ill' should be 'I'll'.



'“Whatever we’ll meet up with him later. Let’s go guys.”' This would make more sense as, "'Whatever. We'll meet up with him later. Let's go guys."'



"Geoffrey led the group onto the bridge. And they began their slow journey across." Teachers used to hate it in elementary school if you began a sentence with 'because' or 'and' because you have to make it a complete thought, which people oftentimes forget. I suggest just joining these two sentences as one like so, "Geoffrey led the group onto the bridge and they began making their slow journey across."



"Upon arrival they couldn’t believe what they saw." Add a comma after 'arrival'



“The first and probably the most important is where did you get a straw on an island.” Add a comma after 'is'. Or maybe you should add a colon. I'm not sure.



In case you can't tell, I am reviewing this as I read it, so everything is in order. I'm cracking up right about now, so I'm sure you can guess what part I'm on! :D



“You’re very right Visteck, Let’s go guys.” Consider making this comma a period.



"As far as they could see the island was deserted." Add a comma after 'see'.



"As they were setting up for a dinner of bread and coconut milk Siro heard a strange sound." Comma after 'milk'



“Guy’s do you hear that. It sounds like rustling in the bushes.” should be "Guys, do you hear that? It sounds like rustling in the bushes."



"Just then twenty men stormed through the brush surrounding the group." Comma after 'then'



"The boys were grabbed and dragged away. Only leaving behind Visteck’s straw hat." "The boys were grabbed and dragged away, only leaving behind Visteck's straw hat."



"The Mast’s each had a large black sail with a picture of a skull and cross bones in the center." 'Masts' does not need an apostrophe, and it does not need to be capitalized.



“You know if we had checked the brush we could’ve run away” Comma after 'know'



“What if we said please?” asked Visteck” Just a typo :) "What if we said please?" asked Visteck.



“Darn your cunning. Okay, I’m planning to use this machinery I got from the islands scientist’s to upgrade a kraken, making it the ultimate sea creature."

"Darn your (or you're makes sense, too. Whichever works) cunning! Okay, I'm planning to use the machinery I got from the island's scientists to upgrade a kraken, making it the ultimate sea creature!"



“WAIT. I refuse to accept that in this medieval society we have not only pirates but also scientists." (Best line in the story so far!) "WAIT. I refuse to accept that we have, not only pirates, but scientists in this medieval society."



“One of you boy’s tell me why you’re here or your being fed to the Kraken!” "One of you boys is going to tell me why you're here or you're being fed to the Kraken!"



“Not Yi he’s so innocent” I'm not sure is 'so' makes sense here. "Not Yi! He's innocent!"



"The boy’s looked to the floor resigned to their fate." No apostrophe needed.



“Next the Leader and make sure the other two can watch” I THINK that this should be, "Next, the Leader, and make sure that the other two can watch." But I'm not 100% sure on that. (I should totally take another grammar lesson or something because I am ridiculous."



“Wait he’s not officially the leader, maybe I’m the leader!” "Wait! He's not officially the leader. Maybe I'm the leader!"



“NO. There is no sound. Especially no bubbling sound. And definitely no bubbling sound that is getting louder by the second that is starting to overshadow my " Gosh darn it” ****"NO. There is no sound. Especially no bubbling sound. And definitely no bubbling sound that is getting louder by the second that is starting to overshadow my- GOSH DARN IT!" Consider exclamation points.



"Everyone on the ship stared up at the Kraken but what baffled them wasn’t the fact that such a creature could exist. But that there was a strange laughing coming from the back. " *** "Everyone on the ship stared up at the Karaken. What baffled them wasn't the fact that such a creature could exist, but that there was a strange laughing coming from its back."





"When the creature began its fall the group could see a small figure laughing hysterically, wearing a straw hat." *** "When the creature began its fall, the group could see a small figure laughing hysterically and wearing a straw hat."



Again, there's more apostrophe mistakes, so just watch those when reading this over. :)



Also, you have a few sentences that do not have punctuation at the end, so keep and eyes on that as well :)



“Sure thing boss, she’s really very sweet, Aren’t you girl?” *** "Sure thing, boss. She's really very sweet, aren't you girl?" I do not know if "really very" is grammatically correct, but since it's used in dialogue, it should be fine. I also don't know if there should be a comma between 'you' and 'girl'



“We never found out who build the crazy man’s bridge” *** 'build' should be 'built'

[Tunder]

I may be wrong, but it seems that you based your characters off of real people. I'd guess that you are Geoffrey, and Visteck Brawith seems similar to Travis! I'm not sure who the other boys are though.



"In a small village called Rivetton, in a strange land a boy sat awaiting adventure. " The opening sentence is a bit awkward to read. Perhaps add a comma, "In a small village called Rivetton, in a strange land, a boy sat awaiting adventure." Or, "In a strange land there was a small village called Rivetton where a boy sat awaiting adventure." The opening sentence has a nice feel to it. Almost fairy tale-esque.



"He wasn’t voted leader he just spoke with the most authority and had the final say in their discussions." The majority of grammar mistakes that I spot are just petty commas. Try, "He wasn’t voted leader, he just spoke with the most authority and had the final say in their discussions."



"Geoffrey was telling the tale of Merlin, his Grandpa Colin had told him about him the night before in order to better explain King Arthur’s legend." This might fare better as two sentences, "Geoffrey was telling the tale of Merlin. His Grandpa Colin had told him about Merlin the night before in order to better explain King Arthur’s legend." (the double 'him' was awkward to read as well), or use a conjunction, "Geoffrey was telling the tale of Merlin which his Grandpa Colin had told him about the night before in order to better explain King Arthur’s legend." (here, it makes the most sense to eliminate the second 'him')



'“If he was so powerful why wasn’t he king!”' Just add a question mark before/after (I'm not sure if it makes a difference or not) the exclamation point.



'“Anyway the point is Merlin was awesome.”' I feel as though this needs some sort of punctuation, but if I were to be honest, I'm not really sure what. Maybe a colon. For instance, "Anyway, the point is: Merlin was awesome." But I don't know if that's correct. You could also say, "Anyway, the point is that Merlin was awesome." And I know that's grammatically correct.



"Just then armored men ran into the clearing yelling at the boys to stand down." Add a comma after 'Just then'.



"Confused by this intrusion Geoffrey stood up." Add a comma after 'intrusion'.



'“I am Sir Percival, knight of Rivetton, these are my fellow knights."' Perhaps add an 'and' here to make your story easier to follow. ' “I am Sir Percival, knight of Rivetton, and these are my fellow knights."



'“What need would we have of armor?”' I actually don't know if 'of' is proper here. It might be, it might not be, I simply don't know. To avoid the risk, you could replace 'of' with 'for'.



'"Well, as the only boys who haven’t already left you are given the duty of..."' Add a comma after 'left'.



'“So you want four teenagers without any training to search a foreign, potentially dangerous, Island”' This sentence just has a missing question mark. (By the way, I adore the level of sass Geoffrey has here! But Sir Percival is sassier, and thus he is my favorite!)



'“Well you can get them at the castle of course.' Percival told them. 'However as they are for training they cannot leave the castle grounds. Now if you’ll excuse us we must get going.”' OK, this needs a lot of commas, I think. "'Well, you can get them at the castle of course.' Percival told them. 'However, as they are for training, they cannot leave the castle grounds. Now if you'll excuse us, we must get going."'



'“As the Elite knights what is your job?”' This needs a comma. '"As the Elite knights, what is your job?"' (Perhaps capitalize 'knights' as well to make the entire phrase a proper noun.) Or, rephrase the question, '"What do the Elite Knights even do?"'



'“Well we are trusted with only the most urgent matters. Our current mission is to muck out the stables, Good day.”' Add a comma after 'well'. I don't know if 'good' should be capitalized, honestly. You can avoid taking the risk by putting a period where that comma is instead. (I'm very sorry, I haven't had a grammar lesson since freshman year. I'm a hack and I avoid grammar mistakes by rearranging things because I hate English class this year and can't be bothered to actually ask my teacher.) I also very much enjoy the light-hearted humor here.



“Hey, at least we get an adventure guy’s." You don't need an apostrophe on 'guys'. The voice throughout the story is consistent. I especially like Geoffrey's dialogue. You captured teenagers very well. This story actually reminds me of a more grown up, and obviously more boyish, Alice in Wonderland.



“Well we should start heading north." Add a comma after 'well', or you can even eliminate it altogether.



"'Come on guy’s.'" Again, no apostrophe needed.



'"Since we are true adventurers we will have no problem finding the lake"' Add a comma after 'adventurers'.



"They began to search the forest for the lake. And after two hours, to Geoffrey’s surprise, they actually found a lake." You don't need the 'and' here. "They began to search the forest for the lake. After two hours, and to Geoffrey's surprise, they actually found a lake." Or you can join the two sentences, "They began to search the forest for the lake, and after two hours (to Geoffrey's surprise), they actually found a lake."



'“I’m gonna be honest Geoffrey I had begun doubting you.”' Try something like, "'I'm gonna be honest Geoffrey, I had started to doubt you."' Or, "I'm gonna be honest Geoffrey, I had begun to doubt you."'



'“I’m gonna be honest with you Visteck I was making it up and hoping.”' Add a comma after 'Visteck'.



“'You had no idea” Yi glared at Geoffrey. “ You mean we could’ve been searching for days?”' Consider using exclamation points after 'idea', and along with the question mark after 'days'.



"Afterwards he regained control. 'It’s pretty amazing that the lake had four supply bag’s ready to go. Well guys let’s get moving.”' I'm not sure if 'afterwards' is correct here. Maybe just use, "After, he regained control." Or, "After which, he regained control." (The which refers to the group punching him). You also don't need an apostrophe in 'bags'. In this context, 'bags' is correct. Add a comma after 'guys' to make it, "Well guys, let's get moving."



"About a mile away four different adventurers were searching for the Holy Grail. They were on their way back to the lake where they had left their supplies. Desperate for food and water." Try something like, "About a mile away, four different adventurers were searching for the Holy Grail. They had left their supplies by the lake and were on their way back, desperate for food and water."



Anyways, this is a great beginning for your story and I like it a lot!! I like Geoffrey's logic in finding a lake, and I really like his response to Visteck!! Can't wait to read more!! (But you'll have to wait forever since reviews take me forever!)