A Loving Walk through Mourne Mountains

 

Where yews stood,

wind-hunched like old men

at gates, chewing straws

or tall sentinels

in foliage green uniforms.

 

Autumnal oak leaves blanketed

the earth in protest

at the changing weather.

We broke these leaves,

brittle as martyrs bones, underfoot.

 

We reached the tip

of the mountain that overlooked

the sea a reflection of today’s

 near clear sky,  the city houses

that bled a generation in ghost ships.

 

You told me some sweet nothing.

I recall your lips

brushing my ear, and how we held hands,

your thumb’s pulse on my palm

and us closer than blood to flesh.  

 

Author's Note

Please be as criticial of this poem as possible

Reviews

[jessicamarie19]

As critical as possible:
Remove the second comma in line 2.

:)

It will match the structure of the next phrase. I think that the line break gives it enough of a pause, and the extra comma crosses into "choppy" territory - when the rest of the poem remains quite flowy. However, I am a huge fan of phrases that wrap over lines so it's a biased opinion.

This poem is lovely and perfect. I think now I shall go read it again.

[Siddhartha]

That moment, when heartbeats matched the harmony of the cosmos and the whole universe seemed to be coursing through our synapses. This is fantastic writing, drawing from the air, ether, nature and has a fatalistic feel to it, but just to be critical I would say that the author's note has a typo - an extra 'i' is inserted in critical. Otherwise it is perfect...:)

[arbitrary jane]

brittle as martyrs bones. yes.
all the things - those million tiny pieces of the puzzle of time and man - that have done themselves up, or done themselves to death in some cases, so that we can have a walk through mourne mountains.
it's all a simutanaity (yeah, ok, i made that word up), which in no way detracts - and actually enriches - the experience of closeness and the fleeting nature of all that we have here and now.

[SpokenWord]

It's is difficult to be "critical" with work that is so pleasant and well written with a pen that drips scenes in our minds that are intimate, beautiful and utterly descriptive that I minds get lost in the story being told to us. I think this is a great write and stands perfect as it is.

[Aidz]

Love the last line and I enjoyed the read.