Marda 2007

This one is getting printed in a charity fundraising book so I really need you guys to bash it. It can�t have any mistakes whatsoever, so please point out even the smallest things.

A wall divides the olives and wild mint,
the burnt thickets and scrubland.
I walk the border path, chant shibboleths
at conscript soldiers, till you silence me,

you, with your malt-dark eyes,
broken English and blood hieroglyphs
etched into your back. We walk to a café.
where there are pictures on the walls.

I know them only as your patriots.
Village children, once, they played
hide and seek in Marda’s rubbled homes, 
smoked water pipe in the russet hills 

and laughed into the sun. Too soon, 
the honey dusk mothered them away.
Outside, an olive branch is broken in a plough
as you recall the date each died, your friend.

Reviews

[bluessadmood]

This is really nice and lovely ,these lines really touched me
I know them only as your patriots.
Village children, once, they played
hide and seek in Marda's rubbled homes,
And laughed into the sun,too soon the honey dusk mothered them away
An olive branch is broken in a plough
God.. Sel what loveliness,though so sad,very sad

[Hedra Helix]

I love it just as is.

but, tho inciting anger maybe, I'm gonna be brave and just rip it where it can, and to be clear only cos I'm trying to rip it cos you asked not cos I don't love it just as it is.




A wall divides the olives and wild mint, (ahhhh, I love it already)
the burnt thickets and scrubland.
I walk the border path, chant shibboleths
at conscript soldiers, till you silence me, (great opening of the world and words and inner introduction of self and relation perspective)

you, with your malt-dark eyes, (malt dark, though not pedestrian still sounds slightly used, slightly}
broken English and blood hieroglyphs
etched into your back. We walk to a caf�.
where there are pictures on the walls. (my brain said 'more please' here, a clearer visual touch)

I know them only as your patriots.
Village children, once, they played
hide and seek in Marda's rubbled homes,
smoked water pipe in the russet hills (gorgeous)

and laughed into the sun. Too soon,
the honey dusk mothered them away.
Outside, an olive branch is broken in a plough (perfect, obscure and whole and perfect)
as you recall the date each died, your friend. (subtle hard beautiful)


Don't hate me ;)

[lark]

This is gorgeous. I like the way you show us.



(only thing i would question (if you insist on it, which you shouldn't) is where you have those big gaping spaces. i'm an indifferent fan of that. otherwise--the internal rhyme, rhythm, etc is lovely. and all the external things as well.)

no mistakes. if you can say such a thing exists in (cough) poetry.

[AK]

What a remarkable gift you have.

[wolfsshadow25]

there is a lot of meaning in this peace of work, really written well

[Emily B]

It is a stunning write. Congrats on the publication. Amazing that you are a soldier in the cause of peace. Using words instead of guns and bombs to conquer violence wherever you find it. Young David conquered Goliath with just a small stone. Words should do very well.

[Donald Meikle]

It passes my judgment for what ever that is worth, and thank you fireblossom for your enlightenment.

[fireblossom]

Classic pamphlet reporting. Great poem.

I did some research and found this: "Marda itself is a "gated community," a kind of which I had never seen before. The village is surrounded by a fence with only one entrance and exit. At Israeli soldiers' discretion, they can close the gate every night at 8pm and open it every morning at 8 am. The fence divides farmers from their fields and keeps medical emergencies that happen at night waiting till morning. Rame tells me that the village has been subject to curfews in the past. When a curfew is in place, all violators are arrested no matter what age. Also, Rame informs me that several young boys from the village had been arrested for nothing more than throwing rocks at Israeli military vehicles. He said that one of the boys had been tortured to the point that he admitted to accusations he was not guilty of. Another boy was detained for 3 years." - http://www.palestinemonitor.org/spip/spip.php?article456

I am fairly certain this is the Marda of your poem. The background really helped me understand your poem. Without the background I loved the theme and especially loved the symbol of the 'broken olive branch'. Very powerful. With the background I was able to relate more to your poem. My knowing gave me a deeper appreciation for the meanings within the piece and your intention. I find nothing to mention by way of editing except perhaps placing a hyphen in malt-dark. That isn't anything but a choice.

I assume the people reading this piece in the publication will understand where Marda is and what it represents. Good. Writing very specific pieces will cause you to lose some readers. However when writing to and for a specific audience there is absolutely no problem using terms that only that group will understand- shibboleths indeed.

The pen is mightier than the sword Sel. It is unfortunate that Palestine is only one of the growing number of chaotic spots in this troubled world. ;-)

[Gandré]

oh my God!! This is mastery. Don't change a glyph. What a wonder of poetry. There is not one clich�... this is true poetry, a poem what makes me come and read again and again.... congrat on getting it published.