“Rebirthing from the dark ritual of seclusion”

Since birth I envisage a crowd of blood brothers grinning with apparent artifice.

Hearken to their impertinent tittering piercing me blithely to demise.

I’ve detested them, suppressed my utmost aversion for my sake.

Nevertheless, my very core need for affiliation as a child ruptures and breaks.

 

Since life I seek not friends to cure my discontentment nor my seclusion.

Deprived fondness of intimacy to estrange scars of their derision

And my sentiments, as drowning in solitude was my ultimate yearning,

And the loyalty to the dark literature was my only love deserving.

 

Recently, I’ve branded them with searing hot iron on their scorched scornful skin,

Defiled my convictions, doubted their pathetic smiles as an awful sin.

Acrimoniously despised those with such putrid gore of fiendish ghouls,

One so visibly alluring with eminence but erratically notorious and foul.

 

Now as you can see, I’m merely a victim of profound seclusion due to my dark fate.

Perceived rapturous and euphorica in my cadaverous and macabre state.

Thanked this blessing, Oh! I could not crave for anything beyond splendor.

Preserved this morbidity acknowledged my rebirth by my  creator.

Author's Note

(edited) hope this be an improvement...

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥


Since birth ★"missing comma"★ I envisage a crowd of blood brothers grinning with apparent artifice.

Hearken to their impertinent tittering piercing me blithely to demise.

★ "Second line: Listening to bold speech that stings me 'nicely', but also creates pain?"★

I’ve detested them, ★"strange comma, unless the next is the word 'suppressing'. Try a semi-colon"★….
suppressed my utmost aversion for my sake.

Nevertheless, my very core need for affiliation as a child ruptures and breaks.


♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥


Since life ★"missing comma"★ seek not ★"no friends. If you write: seek not friends, then what follows would be a comma and then the word 'but' "★ friends to cure my discontentment nor my seclusion.

Deprived fondness of intimacy to estrange scars of their derision

★"Second line: A poem about being very aware of what others have done to you, but the scars are also not seen?"★

And my sentiments, as drowning in solitude was my ultimate yearning,

And the loyalty to the dark literature was my only love ★either a comma or the words "that was" to connect the the word 'deserving'★ deserving.


♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥


Recently, I’ve branded them with searing hot iron on their ★weird little 3-set with S words that feel more of a tongue twister, rather than that of one where your other words are selected specifically and the beat and sound of it don't cause such a pause in that flow you are creating★ "scorched scornful skin",

Defiled my convictions, ★ needs the word "and" after the comma or you have a strange run-on sentence that feels chopped off, even★ doubted their pathetic smiles as an awful sin.

Acrimoniously despised those with such putrid gore of fiendish ghouls,

One so visibly alluring with eminence but erratically notorious and foul.

★Love those last two lines, except the missing comma before the word "but", and all the words connect to the "ly" words, suggesting the feeling of leads, like the way beginning of sentences are crafted to be as such★


♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥


Now as you can see, I’m merely a victim of profound seclusion due to my dark fate.

Perceived rapturous and ★euphorica…… "not a word" and that is weird for a poem that has MANY words that are rarely used in this kind of succession★ in my cadaverous and macabre state.

★Second line: Not a sentence. Sounds like: Found dead in burned out bus.★

Thanked this blessing, Oh! ★weird little grey spot just needs a semi-colon. Semi-colon replaces "and, yet, and or"★ I could not crave for anything beyond splendor.

Preserved this morbidity acknowledged my rebirth by my dark creator.

★Last line: Maybe "preserved" is in the wrong tense and if it changes to one with an "ing" on the end, then just put a comma after the word "morbidity". Having an exclamation point after this intense and final realization and explanation of so tense a poem would top off the poem, perfectly!!?★


♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥ ☆¸.•*¨*`•.☆ ♥



The very construction of this poem is impressive by its level of coming to terms with an actual sense of realizing what has birthed such an anger, and your explanation of it by poem's end is quite nice!! Your leads into every new stanza goes Since, Since, Recently "as if to reassure the reader that what we are hearing is an account of what your mind is going through and to trust you…. NICE!, and then "Now" in the last stanza. That is very cool to see in the regards that even with some awkwardly big words that throws off some unintentional beats of lines that may have had more of an impression by creating angst with shorter, shaper, and more exact feelings of discontent with a change in diction. Powerful poem in the form you have chosen because you are, accidentally, telling short stories that have a beginning and an ending to them. I didn't want to be one of those "arrogant" people who read poems because of the comment below. I just think tearing apart a poem could go a lot further than the "beginner" course I have shown. Only weird word that sticks out to me in the whole of the poem? The word: blithely.

When you commented and probably WILL comment further on future poems of MINE, know that I do not think you arrogant if you don't essentially rewrite my poem for me. lol The title is, also, pretty long, but it actually fits within the realm of how long these lines are in your poem. Just an idea of what it looks like with fewer words, but with the same meaning, and/or standing out without deconstructing the title to find out the direction before its start. If it sounded like "Ascension from Seclusion", then the poem still does not lose its integrity, and the title doesn't read like it's a quote from the very poem we are about to dive into. : ) Beautiful poem and you are a real joy to read on many levels that I don't seem to get the privilege of doing on this site much!! I haven't done too many of these kinds of "constructive criticisms" because many have blocked me after actually requesting such a thing from me in the same tone and respect that this one was done. : ) Keep writing!! Write ANYTHING. lol You are obviously good at it, so take it farther than you have, and experiment with those things I shared with you, whether off of this poem, with the next one, or even drafts you have not shared yet. Beautiful, Princess……..

xoxox -Mark

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Lol! Finally someone with so much to say about this. First of all, this is a very old poem, and one of my earliest. The direction of this poem might seemed to digress some thoughts, and I did use a lot of powerful words to intensify the emotion brought by this poem. But I'm glad you have grasped it either way. The construction, its format, the missing punctuations are my problem. I do get that often as corrections. I'll work on that though. But what's important is that I have expressed a thought and idea that have been successfully delivered. I would improve this and consider your criticisms graciously.

And blithely would have been used wrong in this poem. I apologize for that, I would have meant they blithely pierce me with their impertinent tittering.. Hope it is clear now...

And again thank you for that review Mark. :))

[Patrick Henry]

I would do this often if others didn't block me for it, understood that it is "safe" criticism and that I could probably help the process of helping them get better, and if time allowed it to be easier to do so. You are an awesome part of my friend list after just recently meeting me, that I couldn't resist helping out in a way that you have publicly called out on this poem's page!! : ) You are definitely welcome... glad it wasn't too weird either. I wanted you to see it in the same layout that you had written it, so as not to get too confused and of the like. : ) xoxo -Your Mark

[Anne Timmins]

Wonderful..,
Piece of writing and quite thought provoking.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Thank you...

[Ahmad Cox]

Even as dark as this poem is there is a cathartic nature to it that is dark yet alluring at the same time.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Thank you Ahmad :)

[Laura Maidah]

Format is the only thing that needs work. Bottom line, you aren't just disturbing yourself. You're really disturbing lots of your readers, like me!

Seclusion as something to be cured, contagion or a virus.

It is repeated in the second and last sections, btw. I don't know if I like the addiction stress. Was that purposed?

You have capitalization and commas and apostrophes, but no periods. And you add that to paragraph verse structure, and it's bizarre aesthetically. I hope the constructive comments are helpful and not offensive. People on this site take it weirdly personally.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

I totally understand. The format and the use of punctuations was a mess. Not sure on the structure of it so it . And I do need some improvement on that. Thanks for pointing that out. The constructive comments really do help a writer to improve. Those to arrogant will always think that's an offensive move. Thanks again...

[deepblue04]

wow, Dark, but nice, good job!

[MOON]

This is a poignant lovely write full of wisdom and pain and rebirth.

[L0v3craft]

Cor!

Reading this made me think about that loathsome, hellish nightmare I occasionally have about being the figment of an evil & depraved god's imagination-- it made me think that this was about him! Great...now how am I ever going to go back to sleep???

thanks a lot xD

btw, this was beautifully written and your diction/vocab is awesome! But what else should we expect from such a talented writer :)

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Thank you so much Paranoischizoangel. :D This is one of my old works. Thought of sharing it... I'm glad that you liked it. And btw, go to sleep... XD

[...]

Intense drawing of emotion in desperate plea for lack of it, is what I get out of this piece! Awesome work!!

[Michael X]

Wow, the wording is detailed in such a way, the flow takes on a life of it's own, dark, the profoundness is the depth to a God. Great work here.