impossibilities

By now you'd assume I'd matured over the course of time and relentless unforgiving experiences that urged me to realize my limits which somehow surprised me in a sense. Time is failing, scarce and inevitable. And I would love to believe that I've grown better than what I used to be. My thoughts remain deranged and obscure, and somehow I've learned to pursue what I want, but I wouldn't say that as a drastic progress. I leapt into what I thought I'd sworn, or maybe I made myself believe I've sworn to it but perhaps out of denial.

I did dream of falling in love again. And that is what I got.

It wasn't forced, and I won't deny I was desperate to fall in love or at least feel something other than the usual emptiness - pain - or anger. Which would perfectly explain my many failed attempts of commitments and relationships.

But you came... And I got what I asked for, to feel again. All emotions let out in a span of 9 months. And I found my greatest weakness.

I am thought to be someone emotionally unstable but mentally firm. My views, beliefs, ideas, and thoughts broadens throughout time. I expect to be much more brilliant than I was, but then I fell. When weakness conquers you, you are doomed. However, it was a state of doom that made me content. Would I ask for someone smarter, someone taller, someone better looking, talented or wealthy? It never crossed me to fall away from the euphoric state I was already in, even if I was slowly being consumed... and damaged.

"We all are fools for love." And as much as I'd wish to refuse to use such a cliche phrase, what better way to convey such but to have it simply put. I have never felt much fooled in my life before, stooped to the lowest being I could bear, looked pathetic than I could ever be, and yet here I am still... In love...

I go back to such "realization of my limits." And I wonder if I'm closer to its peak. Perhaps. But that I could not tell. How desperate I am to be at the climax of this relationship so I'd begin my long and painful descent. But that too I cannot tell.

We all wish we did not need to bargain with love, that pain or deceit would be left out. But these pillars... bliss, pain, betrayal, and hope are all foundations that hold the key to loves perfection.

So here I am, and I could not sigh anymore for I've gone beyond myself. I have further exhausted my emotions and I lost what I wanted. To feel something besides pain.

Tell me now, I may perhaps know the answer but it would give me great peace to hear from you the truth.

Is it impossible for me to have you back in my arms like how it used to be? Is it impossible for me to watch you sleep while I steal a kiss from your cheeks and you wake up to pull me closer? Is it impossible for me to see that moment again, when your eyes spark at the mere sight of me? Is it impossible for me to see you nervous again when you try to make a good impression? Or for me to believe that you'd travel hours just to be by my side? Is it impossible to fall in love again?