"Purgatory" (First draft)

Inspired from and old school death metal song...

Darkness obscures my sight,

but the atmosphere was there

For the cold embrace of leg irons and shackles,

rendered me to prepare,

 

I felt the wind now shifting,

as they lowered me to the abyss,

And in that choking air of death,

my thoughts fell to amiss

 

The augmenting wails were deafening,

and so too was our doom,

So we cried out till our lungs bleed out,

as our dreadful fate now looms.

Author's Note

This is just the first draft. I haven't been writing poems in a while, just wondering if this is a good start..

Reviews

[Kourtney G]

This is a very good start I think. Its funny you mention the phrase "The Abyss" because I was just talking about that the other day with someone. This poem reminds me of sinking into the black hole of depression which I often call "The Abyss". When you said "They lowered me" I think of the deadly grasp of arms that depression grabs you with to pull you down into The Abyss. Then the wails of trying to escape when you know you are in your doom.

I think its a great poem and a wonderful start. I'm sorry if what I described here isn't what you wanted you poem to really describe. With all art though whether in painting or writing , the viewer will always connect in their own personal way even if you mean differently. I think that is so fascinating though because you always make a connection and I think that is whats most important.

Wonderful , keep it up.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Not at all. I appreciate your review on this and your sharing of your own interpretation. You have an interesting interpretation on this, one in which I could relate to. Well I took the inspiration of this poem from an intro of a death metal song. it had the echos of chains and screams that grew louder and louder. And thus this came into words. I haven't finished it yet though. I was still searching for an interesting story to connect with this.

Thank you for the review. :)

[Simon Welsh]

You have to send me your poems as read requests!!! I can't believe I missed this one.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

I forgot to send this one. It was unfinished so I thought not to. :)

[Juan de Rajah]

A good start, though I am confused by this line:

"The augmenting wails were deafening,
and so too was our doom,
***So we cried out till our lungs bleed out***,
as our dreadful fate now looms."

I find it confusing(well, I; I cannot answer for the others). Is it in present or past tense? "So we cried out" is past tense(from as much as I remember) and "till our lungs bleed out" can pass for present or future tense. Well that's just me; feel free to disagree :)

It can use a little more rhythm.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

As I had mentioned, this is a rough draft so expect so much corrections to be made. I just wanted to know if the theme and the flow is working out for you guys. Well I've been busy lately to even sit down and work on this poem... Well thanks for dropping by though.. :)

[Aino A Järvinen]

It's a terribly good beginning draft. The first time I read it I thought of Aida. The font reminds me of Egypt (gods know why). It reads close to the last scene where Aida and Radames are buried alive in punishment for their love. Got to love opera, they've all got a little goth in them. Thank you, Princess.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Well thank you for appreciating this :)

[Rocans]

Dark and lovely, just the way I like it. Enjoyed it immensely and I am glad that this is only the initial draft for it left me wanting more. Good write!

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Oh I'm pleased to hear that you're anticipating for more. I'll try not to disappoint...

[TL Boehm]

This is a good start - it does give the feel that there is more to come so I am glad you caveated that it is the start of a poem .
The augmenting wails were deafening,
and so too was our doom,
So we cried out till our lungs bleed out,
as our dreadful fate now looms.

Ominous, and dark. Well done.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Well thank you dear. I'm glad to hear.. :)

[MoriartyMesa]

I think for a first draft this is good, I would recommend making it a little longer and checking the minor things that need to be looked at.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Thank you... This isn't entirely complete though. Was wondering if I'm off to a good start. Still trying to figure out how to finish it.

[Caradoc]

It has definite allure and potential. I would continue it and see where it takes you.

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Pleased to hear that you have liked this piece... I would definitely work on this next.. :)

[Rob Santana]

My Princess, you never cease to amaze me, never. These words are metal indeed. I really hope to see you continue with this one, there's so much you can do with this. Possible lyrics?? Your words bring such strong images and emotion. You are The Princess of Macabre!!!

[Fréyjä Helvití]

I appreciate the review creeper. lol. But I still feel that this lacks some dark sense of brutality. I always crave for something more darker and more evil. lol. I'll work on this soon...

[pasdepoisson]

m/ Well done, and more importantly, very Metal! I really like to imagery about descending down to a horrible fate with a chorus of agonized wails.

"So we cried out till our lungs bleed out,
as our dreadful faith now looms."

-This is an especially brutal line, although I can't help but ask: Is it supposed to be "faith" or "fate"? "Faith is more interesting, to be sure. I think you would do well to expand on this work! m/

[Fréyjä Helvití]

Oh yes. "Fate" indeed would be appropriate perhaps... Thanks for that suggestion. I did try hard to express what that song had made me feel. lol.. Thanks really for the review...