Are You Ever Gonna Get Clean?

Percy is picked up from a bar by his younger brother and taken home.

“Now I know you are not about to light that cigarette in my car, Percy," Luke said suddenly, taking his eyes off the road for a second to glare at his brother, whose hands were up with a lighter in them. Percy sighed, stuffing the lighter in his pocket and taking the cigarette from between his teeth.

"Come on, Luke, the windows are down and it's been a long night," Percy pleaded, leaning back in the leather seat of the truck and staring ahead at the dark road. He already knew the answer, but he really needed a cigarette.

"No. Mom and Dad will still smell it, and I do not want to have the conversation about you with them again. You can smoke when we get back to the house, if you go down by the lake. Can you wait that long?" Luke asked, his tired eyes back on the road again. "The car already smells like drugs and alcohol every time I pick you up- do you have any idea how much I spend on air freshener to cover it up in here?"

"I know... I'm sorry you have to deal with me, Luke. I'll get better one day, I promise. Do you think you can put up with me until then?" Percy asked with a small smile, turning his head to look at Luke. Luke just sighed.

"Percy, you're drunk. You shouldn't ask people questions like that when you're drunk," Luke muttered as he pulled into the grass behind the house. He rolled the windows up, then opened the door and stepped out, Percy doing the same. Both of them moved simultaneously away from the house, down the sloping grassy hill, until the sound of water reached their ears and they could no longer see the large house. At that point, Percy pulled out his box of cigarettes, lighting one and promptly taking a long drag, sighing and watching the smoke billow around him. Luke seated himself on a rock and stared at the swirling black water beneath him. "Are you ever gonna get clean?"

Percy nearly dropped his cigarette at that one. Luke never brought that up. It was usually talks about school or their parents or how Carter was doing. Never mentions of the addictions. He flicked his cigarette and tried to form an answer that might make his brother happy. "I'm trying, Luke. I really am. I promise I'm not going to be like this forever."

Luke laughed. "You're trying? Really, Percy, you think I'm buying that? There certainly hasn't been any improvement. Maybe if you'd leave Carter-"

'Don't bring Carter into this," Percy said, defensive. He flicked his cigarette again and took another long drag.

"I'm just saying, he's the one with the drug addiction, and you're the one living with him."

"Where else do you suggest I go, Luke?"

"Come home."

Silence fell between the two. Percy gazed with something like fear in the direction of the house. Luke realized he'd said the wrong thing.

"Look, Percy, Mom and Dad worry about you. They really want you to come home. They say if you'll just chose a different lifestyle, get off the drugs and alcohol and everything else, and accept the Lord, you can come back-"

"I can't do that, Luke. How many times do I have to say that? I can't stop loving him. I cannot lie to myself and say I don't feel attracted to men. I can't. I won't. I won't live in a lie like that." Percy took the last drag of his cigarette and threw it into the creek. He sat on a rock next to Luke and pulled his sketchbook from underneath it. He blew a bit of dirt off of the back cover and opened it, flipping through his old sketches before settling on the first clean page and resting his pencil there, pondering what to draw.

Luke stared at the other side of the creek. "I miss you, Percy. I miss you taking me to school. I miss sleeping in tents with you on the weekends and studying in your room and I miss going on weird adventures with you and Carter and... I just miss you, Percy. I know you can't come home... But god,I wish you'd never left."

Percy stared at him, near disbelief. “And whose fault is that, Luke? Who told them?”

“Oh don’t bring that back on me, Percy. They were gonna find out sooner or later; I mean, things were starting to get pretty obvious. I just made it sooner rather than later,” Luke said, trying to defend himself.

“‘Sooner’ is the whole reason everything screwed up. I wasn’t ready. Plus, Carter was there. If it wasn’t for all that, then maybe things could’ve gone differently. I could have explained to them, a-and told them how-”

“Percy, don’t upset yourself,” Luke stopped him, noticing the tears building up in his brother’s eyes. “Look, I’m sorry I told them before you were ready. But nothing would have changed. They would have reacted the same way. And that really, really sucks, because you don’t deserve that, not for loving someone.” He sighed, long and drawn out, tipping his head up to look at the sky. “Are you going to be staying here, or do I need to drive you home?”

Percy looked up at the sky, too. “I need to go home. Carter doesn’t like picking me up from here anymore- and unlike you, if he dislikes it, he’ll quit doing it. No matter how much he loves me.” He chuckled, then stood up and brushed his clothes off. He stumbled a bit, probably because of the alcohol, but managed to catch himself. Luke had also stood up and was already walking back up towards the car. Percy hurried to catch up.

The ride home was quiet, the only sounds faint music from the radio. At one point, bothered by the silence, Percy began humming along with the music, even though he barely knew the song. He cracked the window, letting the cool air blow against his face. He closed his eyes and was half asleep by the time the car stopped.

“Goodbye, Percy,” Luke said tiredly, not looking at his brother. “I’ll probably see you again soon, right?”

Percy didn’t say anything, only gave a faint nod to acknowledge the question he hadn’t actually heard. He climbed out of the car and shut the door, making his way up to Carter’s flat, fumbling in his pockets for his keys. He unlocked the door and very slowly pushed it open. He took a slow, tentative step inside, knowing Carter’s bed was right there by the door, and if Carter woke up he was fucked, metaphorically and possibly literally, depending. However, he didn’t have to make any noise to wake Carter- the kitchen light was on, and Percy, having not realised this, nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the fridge door close, causing him to drop his keys.

“Babe?” Carter called, coming around the corner. He sat a jar of pickles on the counter and walked over to Percy. Percy took a deep breath, resisting the overwhelming urge to back against the door. Carter came up to him and put a hand on his cheek, looking up at the taller man. "Where have you been? I got worried when I woke up at two and you weren't here."

"I'm sorry," Percy breathed, stiff. At 3am, Carter could be unpredictable. It wasn't that he was dangerous, and he had never hit him, or anything like that, but he would yell. He would yell, and that made Percy nervous. “I was just down at the bar. Nothing happened. Luke brought me home.” He tried to choose his words, instead of just speaking what came to mind. There was more alcohol on Carter’s breath than his own, and he didn’t want his words used against him.

“Oh,” Carter said quietly, standing on his tiptoes and kissing Percy, who was still stiff. “Okay. Want something to eat? I was making a sandwich.”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Percy said, letting out the breath he’d been holding as Carter moved away, back into the kitchen. “I think I’m going to sleep.” He moved towards the bed, sitting lightly on it. “Don’t you have a gig tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Carter answered from the kitchen counter, facing out into the rest of the apartment. He looked up, eyes lingering as Percy took off his jacket and shirt. “Why?”

“Just making sure,” Percy said, throwing the covers over himself. “I was gonna see if I could sneak Luke in.” He also knew that a gig meant that Carter wouldn’t be sleeping- he’d be up all night and all morning practicing, then crash and sleep for two hours, wake about 3 hours before the concert, rush to get ready, practice with Sam, and then they’d all head to the concert. Meanwhile, Percy would sleep for a little while, then be up drawing, either pictures of Carter practicing, a picture of Sam, or something last minute to sell. Then he’d pack up to go to the concert with them.

“They’ll let him in, he just can’t drink,” Carter said, sitting on the red couch next to his guitar. “I’ll try and be quiet.”

“Mmh,” Percy said, rolling over. The night was taking its toll on him. “Thanks.”