Time Spent

After leaving a long-term relationship, I'm reminiscing about the time I spent in it and saying my goodbyes.

Spent six months looking at you,

Feelings creeping in, fear pulling back.

Dreaming of romance, flowers,

Dancing and kissing under the stars,

And getting instead

A real life

With the real you.

Spent a year loving you,

Sharing pasts, exploring futures.

Dreaming of brown-haired, brown-eyed kids

With glasses and fat cheeks and smiles,

And waking up next to you every day.

And realizing

That these dreams

Don't have to be so far away.

Spent a year denying for you,

Watching failures, pretending not to see,

Dreaming of the time when life was simpler,

Childlike joy and no real choices to make.

And hoping

With all my might

That things would be okay.

Spent a year falling away from you,

Feelings slipping out, fear leaving too,

Because when you don't care,

Your fears have no ground to stand on.

But clinging still

To that childlike joy 

And defiant love

That stayed between us so long.

Spent six weeks away from you,

Learning about life, finding new feelings

That had been long-forgotten.

Dreaming of new experiences,

Passion in debates, kisses, learning, and love,

And doubting

For the first time

That history could bind us forever.

Spent a month debating over you,

Questioning my life, disappointing myself,

And remembering the talks about life 

That I couldn't have with you.

Dreaming of a world

Where this choice was made for me,

Where no one was hurting,

And accepting

That what I had wasn't enough anymore.

Spent a month all alone.

Guilty, sorry, crying, apologizing,

Praying, hoping, regretting, regressing.

Trying, trying, trying, again,

Falling, standing, full of feelings

Bubbling over, consuming everything.

Hoping, praying.

Scared to move on.

Wanting to move on.

Spent six months now, with him,

Falling anew, scared but ready,

Realizing that my dreams 

Were really about him all along.

And finding peace

In the middle of the pain,

The uncertainty,

The tears,

The change.

You've spent six months now, moving on,

Falling anew, away from me.

Realizing that your dreams

Don't depend on me.

That your life is yours to explore,

And your love is yours to give.

But can I really say anything about you? 

I don't know you anymore,

And this is my goodbye.

Reviews

[Isabella Ivy]

Hello :) Your emotional, honest, realistic piece held my attention to the end. A lovely read filed with hope. Congratulations! I.I.

[Tony Jordan]

I rarely, if ever cry.
This drew a tear. It has such strong emotion.
Well done 'SpaceHeater'.