To be

People basically make you change yourself in order to exist in this unjust world

To be happy in this depressing world, they told me to change my thoughts
To be accepted in this judge mental world, they told me to change my appearance
To be respected in this shrewd world, they told me to change my opinions
To be noticed in this immense world, they told me to change my actions
To be loved in this hateful world, they told me to change my emotions
To be in this world, they told me to change myself.

Author's Note

Please give me tips on how to improve my writing

Reviews

[A.A.]

Hey; this has the makings of a fine poem, and it's an important message it's trying to convey. It's impressive that you can get so much meaning across with a very strict form.

In terms of bettering the poem - this is just a suggestion, but I'd still like to share it - you could maybe consider using 'their' instead of 'this' at times when writing 'to be ____ in this/their ___ world'. It's not your own world your living in here after all, and 'they' seem to be in control of the world you're writing about.

Otherwise, I feel like the rhythm of the poem is well put together, and is almost biblical at times, but you've chosen a good number of Latin-y words with many syllables, when maybe a sorter, more direct equivalent could have served the rhythm better. But then again, the words you've used say what you want them to say, and it's difficult to find a replacement just to make it sound better..

Anyway, this is a strong poem, and difficult to improve. Thought-provoking. Thank you for the read.

Antony.

[Aidanb1998]

Thank you for your feedback! I really like your idea of using their, and I see what you mean about the rhythm, I'll try to improve it. Thanks!