Digging in the Vault

A Chapter by Soulchild

Again thoughts came flooding in.

He began to think of the things that he struggled with, the successes and the failures. He thought about school and how he found things difficult as his mother was getting sick and he didn't have anyone that he confined in when things got real hard, when he tried to open up people thought he was depressive and started to avoid him, yet the only thing he wanted was help. “Damn he thought!! “

I want these thoughts to end but they just kept coming. “Why” he thought, “Why now? “

“Do I have some special task I have to carry out??” He thought to himself frustrated.

He walked into the back of the store and started flat packing the boxes, in order to save space and put them in the recycling bin for tomorrow’s trash run.

He thought about how high school ended. He had to think of future but by that time his dream was shattered his grades dropped and with that any chance of an acceptance to University was now over, greatest hope was online courses or community college.

He took plan B community college but as he distances himself from his mother, to focus on education and finishing his course.

And also because at that time it was the only thing that made feel alive, knowledge was the only thing that eased his mind.

Not having to be in her presence all the time and share her suffering, she was lonely, but no matter what he done, his face reminded her of the man she once loved. She did not resent him for it; she thanked everyday for the gift that she was granted by god.

I have baby boy, she often said proudly. Yet, seeing her suffer due to the loss of love was hard.

“You can't heal a broken heart, it will always be broken. We just have to make each day work in our favor. And live, teach and even though our heart is broken love unconditionally.”

Antwone remember the words of the Jalen “Sometimes things work better when they are broken.” for that moment he thought to himself “Wow, the young boy was right.”

As the year went on things got worse, she became sicker and near the end of his first year of college his mother chose to end her suffering.

Not knowing the suffering she had now passed on to her son and family. His heart sank, his days turned to night, minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days and days felt like months. The ground below his feet slowly consumed him and he fell into the deepest darkest pit.

He screamed for help but no matter how loud he screamed no one heard him.

He was lost in a dark place. And had no guide to help him out. He stood there head in his hands sobbing asking god “Why? Why? Must I be alone?”

Why did she have to leave? He was young and not ready to go at it alone; he had no-one to guide him through.

The thing he held dearly had gone and no matter how much he cried it would not bring her back.

“No smell, no touch, no warmth, no laughs, no voice, no tears, just silence...” he thought to himself.

He was abandoned. And through that the fear festered and grew more and more. But at the same time he was angry at the people that did not listen when he needed them.

This consumed him and he became cold and angry. People misunderstood him, and he was not in a good place anymore. He was lost.

After grieving a long time Antwone wrote a poem dedicated to the one he lost;

My Hero

"A Hero is someone that makes you feel so strong,
someone who lasts the test of time and never does any wrong,
but tell me what happens when your hero comes to end?
It feels like being lost in eternity and what would you do then?
Walking alone through the darkest mist
with no one to guide you through,
to hope that one day your hero will be reborn,
to help and guide you through.

God had left him in a position of weakness; he left Antwone alone to fend for himself.

He was not yet ready to take on the world alone, he stills much to learn and he needed to grow as well as guidance.

Yet he had no choice this was the card hand in which god had dealt him and he had to poker face it.

Antwone was so lost in his thoughts he did not hear the manager call him.

He quickly ran to the front and apologized for not being quicker.

Manager looked at him strangely and told that he will close a little early today as its quiet and he has some things he wished to carry out. Antwone nodded in agreement, “Can I have something to eat now then?” Antwone asked the manager “Sure.” he responded.

He went back into the kitchen to eat something, yet all these thoughts were making it hard for him to eat.

He had to force himself to eat. He thought to himself “What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?” “I should have just stayed at home” he thought to himself.

He questioned the thoughts he was having and what it was all about. “I was asked about my dreams as a child and all of a sudden I have my whole life flashing in front of my eyes.” “I am confused” he thought.

He then started to think about his last relationship, and thought of why it failed.

It was not only because of his actions he knew that much.

“Love does not just disappear” he said “Only if there was no love there to begin with. Yet, there is always a reason beyond your knowledge.” Woman often seeks for a man who will give them security and attention, doesn't matter his status as long as he shows her what she wants.”

“She left me because I was pushing, we argued often and I always doubted myself and the scenario that was placed before me made my fear amplified one hundred times over.

Darkness consumed me, I am kind guy, understanding and focused. I love my life and I love myself. I have strong connection to all the good in this world.” Antwone thought to himself.

“So why is it that I can't hold onto one true love” he asked himself. Simple you are afraid of abandonment everyone you ever loved and cared for abandoned you, in one way or another and in this you often feel that you can never be cared for.

This in turn pushes others away.” Antwone was surprised in his thoughts now.

Things are becoming clearer

“I admit I was horrible to her, I treated her badly at the very end, and my words cut deep and were not even thought out in many instances.

But in some cases I thought about everything. I had a battle raging within myself and she could not see it.

It became too much so she found another man. And he gave her all the attention that she wanted.” Antwone thought to himself.

“It's not my concern anymore. She knows my every emotion, yet she left without an explanation of her own emotions and feelings. She knew my every feeling and that I wanted to marry her.

But in the end I can only be responsible for myself.” He started to sound more confident, more focused, more understanding and more driven.

It’s the first time in my life I felt such energy surging through me.

“Life grants us opportunities and we must recognize them the devil will always exploit us in our weakest state.

He will always appear as the generous, kind and wise person. When really we should be looking for the humble person who sits in the corner and watches the world pass by.

As they are the ones who understand the secrets of the world, they hold an insight, a vision; they see the world in all its infinite beauty.”

Where was all this coming from Antwone thought his mind became lighter. Thoughts started to regress and he began to smile.

“The universe will give us everything we want simply because the universe does not understand the words do not or don't.” muttered Antwone to himself.

The truth lifted the giant pillar that was placed on Antwone's shoulders he knew now what his greatest fear was and he was ready to confront it head on.

“After the death of his mother he was so afraid of abandonment that he frightened every woman that dared to take a role in his life away.” “His insecurities were there he could see them, and that was the reason why he felt insignificant to the others around him.” He thought “Everyone is so eager to think that the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill.” “Yet it’s not always the case. It’s just the same green grass.”

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