Breathe

There’s a storm coming in, and we should dance, you say

Because no one could really pick tears out of the rain

You put your arms over your head, palms up to the sky

You’ve wandered through gray cities though no one knows why

 

You’ve always done your best to be strong

You’ve kept me dry in this storm, all along

You’re trying to stand on broken legs now

You can’t see in this rain, I’ll show you how.

 

You need rest and peace, some sleep above all

For those eyes to shut and no more rain to fall

But all you get tonight is thunder and fears

So we’ll stand in the rain,

 where no one can see our tears.

Author's Note

This took a really long time for me to actually be happy with it XD If you have any criticism, let me know, just be nice about it :)

For someone lovely and special :3

I'm iffy on the title too, so I'm open to suggestions, and if you see any typos or anything let me know because I'm so exhausted right now, I probably won't see any xD Anywayyyy~
I'm off to attempt at a nap again, let me know what you think :)

Edit~ Gracias to Jean for all the help :3 I like this version much better. :D

Reviews

[Bard Constantine]

This is an enchanting piece of work, full of visual brain food... rain is an often used metaphor, but one that never feels played out, for it can represent so many things. I like the idea of facing the rain regardless of what comes, it expresses loyalty and endearment, the resolve to not leave someone out in the storm alone. Fantastic writing...

[Lexi Nicole]

I love it! The imagery is beautiful and the whole feel of the poem is just really, really nice. Awesome

[nono]

Isn't it great? Breathing....lol....I liked this though it tells us many things that other people forgets even important.

[DamienHino]

"You’ve always thought you have to be so strong
So you work and keep to it, even when everything’s wrong"very relatable, not giving yourself the chance to just weap and be weak for a moment till you bounce back.
"You say you can’t breathe anymore, I can show you how." ahhh only a person who has gone through these exact feelings could explain it like you do...i could also relate to this, this poem is simple and on topic but has alot of meaning.

[Tallulah]

I love this and the meaning and the emotion that's behind it. The whole thing is so beautiful. I had a couple of favorite lines that really stood out to me:
You always stood there in the night
Because, who could really pick tears out of the rain?
I always loved the idea of crying in the rain so no one could see the tears.
You’re trying to stand on broken legs now
that line really summed up the whole poem for me and stood out the most. I could just see someone broken and hurt in the rain using all their strength to protect someone they loved and that was such a strong image. Great job. I think this is so perfectly beautiful.
Love you,
Tallulah

[Tate Morgan]

I have to say it is not bad.

[Jean]

Okay! This poem has so much potential! :) I love it, but it could be better.

The name, by the way, is fine, but you could make it a little more intriguing by playing around with adding some words from the poem. Something about breathing and/or rain without giving away the entire best line in your poem, but giving a hint to it. You can pick your favorite line, and mess with the words, or just leave it.

There are so many great lines in this poem. However there are other lines, that could be better, though everything could use tweaks. :)
"You always stood there in the night" - I rather don't like this line. Its the opening line in the poem, and it's bland. I think you can come up with something better. :)
"Because, who could really pick tears out of the rain?" - This is one of my favorite lines, but I'm not sure the delivery is the best. I don't think that it should be a question. But I love the idea of not being able to "pick tears out of the rain". Mess with this? Fit it along with whatever you want to do with that first line.
"And you always kept your head held high" - This line is fine. If you change the first two lines, then a change may or may not be in order for this, it simply depends on what you think would sound best and if you want to change it.
"Because you never wanted to show that pain" - Again, fine. Could use tweaks wherever you see fit, because it is a bit bland as well, but if you hype up the rest of it enough then it should be good. However if you keep the word "Because" in the second line, I wouldn't use it again. Same with the "You always" because repetition is delicate, and sometimes it makes things sound incredible, but sometimes it makes the line boring to read over and over again, even though it helps to connect the lines.

"You’ve always thought you have to be so strong " - I don't like this one either, because alone it is very cliche. Change it. :)
"So you work and keep to it, even when everything’s wrong" - I think that you should change this along with the first line. The syllables are a tad long, and its not that interesting. Creativity! :)
"You’re trying to stand on broken legs now" - Love this line. You may tweak it to match the stanza, but overall it should stay.
"You say you can’t breathe anymore, I can show you how." Syllables are a bit long. Rather than say "You say I can't breathe anymore" make it an action they are doing, perhaps. Really push for perfection in this line. :)
"You need rest and peace, some sleep above all' - Hm. I'm unsure about this line, so its your call.
"For those eyes to shut and sweet dreams to call" - Same. If you can improve them, do it. If not, oh well.
"But all you get tonight are nightmares and new fears" - This line could be so much better. "But all in store for you" I think would be better. I don't like "new fears". New is just a weird sounding adjective for fears to me, and I don't know if you want to say fears at all. I think fears and depression aren't exactly coexisting, but they can be, I'm not exactly sure of the person's story, so.. you can figure that out. :)
"So for now we’ll stand in the rain; no one to see our tears" - The idea is good, the ending concept and all, but the delivery is sort of, nonchalant.

I think if it works out you should maybe even add in a stanza. :)

Anyways, I think it does need to be revised, but only because it could be such a great poem rather than a pretty good one, and cause I know you can do it. :D So take whatever advice of mine that you would like, and send me a message when/if you revise it, and I will read it again. If you want. :)

Hopefully I was helpful. I can't waiiit to see what you do with this. :)