Win, Or Lose?

I am no hero. I am only myself, and I am what I am needed to be.

 

I’ve been called Angel, I’ve been called Sera, I’ve been called Aveira and I’ve been called Fury.

 

I am just what I’m needed to be. I am Inside, I am Thought, I am Memory, I am Felt, I am Heart and I am You.

 

You.

 

I know what you’re feeling; weak and down trodden and that you need to voice your feelings. You’re drowning and you don’t know what to feel, what to do. You want to scream but your lungs fill with water. There are people on shore but every time your hand breaks free from the surface of the water no one is looking, the splashes go unheard and you can’t find ground beneath you. Your legs are tired, your arms are weak. You’re running out of air and just when you think you’ll drown completely, a wave pushes you out farther but you gasp in salty air and fight harder. You can’t win but you won’t lose.

 

You’re afraid; you’re alone in the ocean. You’re standing in the crowd with no friends. You’re the boy afraid to tell his parents he’s gay. You’re the girl that was raped and can’t speak. You’re the cutter, faking it for your friends. You’re the hero standing tall and wishing for rest. You’re the popular girl wishing for some alone time. You’re the freak who claims to be content alone but just really wants some friends. You’re the odd one out and the one without a raft.

 

You’re swimmin’ down s**t creek and can’t find your float.

 

There’s water all around you and just when you think you’re going to give up, something pops up. Your heart rips itself apart and sews itself new again, together again, perfect for lasting just a little longer, enough to heave yourself out of the water head and shoulders and arms and chest and waist and you fling your head back and throw your arms out flop onto dry land, feet still dangling in the water and lips blue and shivering but you f*****g made it. You’re there, you’re still wading in the water and it slicks your skin, but you’re out.

 

I am that Something.

 

When you walk down the hall, arms crossed and head down and hiding those tears because you feel no one loves you, you’re a freak no one wants, I am Hope, in the form of the person that holds the door for you, the boy that helps you up when you trip, the girl that smiles at you and waves when you walk into a room.

 

When you run out of the house because you just can’t take the screaming, and your feet hit the steps and your hair bounces behind you, trailing like a red flag broadcasting that you need help, I am the Help that arrives. The friend that chooses the right time to call, the stranger on the street that asks if you’re all right, the welcoming church doors that offer solace and a place to pray.

 

When you’re holding the knife in your hand and your hand shakes because you don’t want this anymore, I am the Release that makes you let the knife go. I am the internet friend that leaves inspirational messages for you; I am the paint on the brush, the empty sheet of paper. I am the life long friend waiting to listen.

 

When memories surface and you can’t find your way out, and you only feel hot skin and things your wish you wouldn’t, I am the Calm. I am the lover that comes to the rescue, I am the supporting friends that let you keep quiet if you need to stay silent, I am the Love and the Fear and I am, above all of these, You.

 

I am in you.

 

I am here, I will help.

 

Take a deep breath, the tide’s coming in.

Author's Note

So many people, so many problems. Always one thing that lets us rise above the tide and breathe, a hand in the air pulling us up. Always one person thinking they're the only person going through this one thing that never happened to anyone else, but they're wrong.

By the way, Aveira isn't referring to myself, of course. It's Hebrew for sin.

Enjoy it? Let me know. Hate it? Tell me, I just wanna know what you thought.

:3

Reviews

[nono]

I think everyone wants to win but you can't always be a winner at a loosing game. And hiding from everything isn't the best way to deal with your problems so good job!

[hershey's kiss]

ummm I'm just gonna lock myself in the bathroom and cry..
wait, not really!! I mean that to say that I love the emotions in this and how personal and resounding it is.
I'm the girl haunted by past regrets, longing to let go and enjoy her present and have a future. but it's still here, he's still here.
this poem, to me, was God. "I am Hope, I am Release, I am Calm. I am here, and I will help."
as much as it makes me sad, it's encouraging :] thank you.

- Hershey's Kiss

[Bud]

You already know my feelings here. Thank you. This has to be one of the most encouraging and uplifting writes I have ever read. Bless you for that. Magnificent piece of Talented literary art.

[Sean M. Addams]

i liked this alot ..very deep and well expressed...overall i liked the whole concept of this piece..very well done..overall very interesting..nice job on this...

[bluessadmood]

This was so nice and lovely my friend ,always enjoyed your words
you surely know how to put some hard feelings into lovely words
and yes whoever the one that have not felt that bad and so alone
and needed all the hand and help from some ,anyone
a friend a loving voice,someone to hear you and always tell
you i am here ,i am the friend ,the lover..whatever,i am here for you
this was so lovely as always
lovely write..