Personal, I guess. Top part is a girl speaking, bottom part is a guy speaking. Just let me know what you think, okay?
EDIT- tried to add a little more emotion, added a few lines, took out a word or two. :P Lemme know what you think, this poem is one of my favorites so I'll take all criticism I can get. :)
My Review
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Another amazing write, this really had the overflowing emotion in it.
I think this is a real powerful write here. I throughly enjoyed this one
as much as the other one. Jam packed of emotion. Awesome!
A tear falls, falls to the ground.
Running from these new words it found.
Saddened by the pain, pain it does feel.
Picturing scars made of steel.
Seeing a Talent hurt, so deep inside.
Unable to run, unable to hide.
Hands bound nothing can be done.
To help her heart, a lonely one.
Your Talent is pure, Aveira. This is painfully an Outstanding work of art.
Oh I didn't even catch the girl/boy switch until I read the reviewer's note; but I think that was just due to my obliviousness, because you did make it fairly apparent with the similar lines. (Though when I read it first, thinking it was one person talking, I didn't think it was bad as just one person, because it still made some sense with the holding breath; like if the girl held her breath the guy would no longer have to breath for her, so that was why I didn't catch it.)
But anyways, if its not just me, you could do some simple things like put
Her;
Stanza
Stanza
Stanza
Him;
Stanza
Stanza
Stanza
Or you could even just change it to third person so it had she, he, him, her, his, switch. Or make the first one pink and the second one blue. Idk. LOL.
But, of course, I only missed it because I wasn't expecting a switch so I didn't look for it.
Anyways other than that I reallyy liked the "inhale now please" and "I'll hold my breath now" parts. That was creative. :D And it really made the stanzas fit together well, truly completing the poem.
The first line of the second stanza should technically be "I told you I'd love you and I do" rather than am. Though I'm sure if you really wanted to you could get away with it.
Then you can chuck words like "can" because its not necessary. (second stanza; second line)
The only thing I didn't understand after I read it knowing that it was two people talking was in the first stanza the girl says she asked him to breath life into her, but in the second stanza it says she told him to live? So if he no longer has his breath, I assume he breathed it into her, and no longer has it so that she can live instead of him. She did she want him to live or did she want to live herself?
Lastly, I think this poem could use more words that would make the emotions stronger and maybe even throw in a metaphor or a personification. :]
like:
"but I can't escape thoughts of loneliness
and I can't help this strange urge I feel inside."
could be
"but I can't escape the eclipse of loneliness
And this strange urge I feel eats me alive"
Just to make the emotions stronger and the diction a little more creative. Obviously you don't have to use that, that's just an example of what I mean so you can give the poem some more kick. :)
As always though, these are just some ideas on improving the poem. Pick out which ideas you would like to use, and ignore the ones you don't.
These lines are so perfect, how easy it is to want to share with that someone we love everything we have, first breath down to even our last breath!! Thanks for sharing!