I Can't

I wake

I can't see but I can see you

a light in the shadows over my eyes

I can't breathe but the air tastes foul

it's heavy on my tongue and my lungs clench

I can't feel but I feel cold

there's a wind sweeping over me, I think

I taste red and see your green eyes

I see your worried face and the light behind you

I feel thick and weighed down

I try to move but suddenly I'm in the air

in arms

My head is heavy and I can't speak

and I blink and I'm asleep.

Author's Note

....I dunno. I've been writing short stories lately, and that's all good and fun but I wanted to write a poem again. I missed it. T.T

Let me know what you think....plz?

EDIT- Hmmm....I kind of see what you meant with the whole "flow" thing...I tried to fix it while keeping the idea that I was going for. Any other suggestions?

Reviews

[Voice11]

I like it, it seems like something from a story where she is losing concousness . I like it great work!

[Queen of the Damned]

It seems almost like a life after death dream. Many confusing details so it leaves the reader guessing. I like it! I will have to find time to read some more of your work. Also, Thank you for the reviews you left me! =-D

[Georgia Gypsy]

I didnt read the first version so this was perfect as usual for you....
the flow was well done the whole piece was great, sort of surreal in its imagry,
Great job!

[Tanya]

I see your worried face and the light behind you
I feel thick and weighed down
I try to move but suddenly I'm in the air
in arms
and I blink and I'm asleep.

This is when i start loving it. The first few lines don't flow with the rest. I had to be very focused when i read it because it doesn't flow. You had a great idea but contradicting yourself in the first few lines threw me off.
Good job.

[StoryTailor]

Okay. It's curious. IT makes me think.