Whatever Happens to Me, Act I

This is the first act of a murder mystery/psycho thriller play I wrote. Since I am going to have people shot on stage, I would recommend that all you six-year-olds out there stop reading now.

Scene 1 – Outside the baggage claim

(Stage lights come up as ALEX WATERS enters with a suitcase. He is an ordinary looking man wearing a business suit. His assistant, MELANIE JOHNSON follows him carrying an overnight valise.)

MELANIE: Mr. Waters! Wait!

ALEX: Come on, Mel. We’ve got a case to start in the morning, and Andy’s coming to pick us up.

MELANIE: Is that your cousin? I thought you said she’d be late!

ALEX: She will be, but so was the plane. Come on, we can pick up your other suitcase tomorrow.

MELANIE: It’s nice of her to pick us up, but it would be much more convenient to have rented a car.

ALEX: Why? We’re staying at her place anyway, and we got to work at the same time. Aren’t you the one who was so convinced we should preserve the environment by carpooling?

MELANIE: That was before I knew my carpool would always be late. What does your cousin even look like?

ALEX: I’m not really sure… I haven’t seen her in years.

MELANIE: We’re never getting out of here.

(ANDROMEDA SILVER, a slender woman in her twenties, enters from the opposite direction.)

ANDROMEDA: Alex, is that you? (He nods) It’s wonderful to see you again!

ALEX: Nice to see you, too, Andy. This is my assistant, Melanie Johnson. Mel, my cousin Andromeda.

MELANIE: Nice to meet you, Miss Silver.

ANDROMEDA: Call me Andy. ‘Miss Silver’ reminds me of my grouchy calculus professor.

MELANIE: Very well then, Miss…. Andy.

ALEX: Thanks for offering to let us stay with you, Andy. You see, I just had this murder case right in town, and I thought I’d take the…

ANDROMEDA: You told me. And, like I tried to tell you, I might be able to help.

ALEX: Help?

ANDROMEDA: (Sighs in exasperation) Alex. The person murdered was my boss.

MELANIE: You knew the victim?

ANDROMEDA: I was with his wife when she reported him dead!

ALEX: I’m sorry, Andy. I didn’t remember…. I mean… I’m so used to this whole thing being professional, I never thought about it up close.

ANDROMEDA: Yeah. I see. Come on, let’s go.



Scene 2 – Alex’s temporary office

(ALEX and MELANIE enter. ALEX carries a briefcase, which he sets on a desk.)

MELANIE: The officer who’s been in charge of the investigation here was supposed to come at eight o’clock to fill us in, but it’s nearly eight fifteen now. Do you suppose he’s not coming?

ALEX: Maybe he’s stuck in traffic. Don’t be so nervous, Mel. Time isn’t as solid out here as it is in New York.

MELANIE: Still, I wish he’d hurry. I want to get started as soon as we can. Did your cousin say anything interesting last night?

ALEX: About the case? No, just that she’d be at the funeral this afternoon, so I shouldn’t expect her to pick us up before five.

MELANIE: Which means we can look for her at about six.

ALEX: She’s upset, Melanie.

MELANIE: Still, it doesn’t help the investigation any. What about his wife?

ALEX: Irene Stepton will stop in on her way from the funeral, when she’s a little more resigned to his death. She’ll be here around nine thirty.

MELANIE: Then why can’t Andy be here til five?

ALEX: She said something about an appointment.

(OFFICER BOB enters. He is a middle-aged man in a rumpled officer’s uniform.)

OFFICER BOB: Hey, sorry I’m late. The donut place was packed this morning.

MELANIE: Donuts? How can you think of donuts when you’re on a murder case?

OFFICER BOB: Well, a man’s gotta eat.

ALEX: I’m Alex Waters. You must be Officer…

OFFICER BOB: Robert Zieglimnon.

ALEX: I’m pleased to meet you, Offcier Zieglemmon…. Zigle…

OFFICER BOB: Don’t bother, nobody can pronounce it. Call me Bob. Officer Bob, if you want to be formal, but none of the Zieglimnon business.

MELANIE: Very well, Officer. Now, what can you tell us about the case?

OFFICER BOB: (sits on sofa) Well, that’s just it. We haven’t found much evidence of anything.

MELANIE: Cause of death? Murder weapon?

OFFICER BOB: Cause of death was an overdose of acetaminophen.

ALEX: An overdose? How do you know it wasn’t a suicide?

OFFICER BOB: We inspected the body, and the mouth area was badly bruised. It looked like he’d been force-fed. Besides, they don’t keep painkillers at their house – the cat gets into everything.

ALEX: You sound like you knew him.

OFFICER BOB: Not well, but it’s a small community. The bit about the cat is something his wife told me.

MELANIE: Is it possible that she was the murderer?

OFFICER BOB: Irene? Are you kidding? She adored him.

ALEX: Are you certain?

OFFICER BOB: Ask her when she gets here. Or you could even ask your cousin Andy. She and Irene have been friends since college.

ALEX: She worked for her friend’s husband?

OFFICER BOB: More like her friend married Andy’s boss. They didn’t meet until Irene picked Andy up from work to go shopping.

MELANIE: Andy said she was with Irene when Mr. Stepton was reported dead.

OFFICER BOB: With her? Poor girl, Andy was the one that found him!

MELANIE: Is it possible that she killed him?

ALEX: Melanie!

OFFICER BOB: It’s a legitimate question, Mr. Waters. And, no, we couldn’t find a motive. She’d been at their house for dinner and was upstairs helping Irene choose a new paint color for the guest bedroom. Andy went down to look for the quilt Irene had just bought. Two minutes later, she screamed. Mr. Stepton was lying murdered beside the shopping bags, which were behind the couch.

MELANIE: Is that all you know?

OFFICER BOB: Yeah, it’s right in the case file, too.

MELANIE: She had the opportunity.

ALEX: Mel, Andy wouldn’t kill her boss.

MELANIE: You said yourself that you haven’t seen her for years. I’m not saying she did it, I’m just trying to keep all our options open. And you have to admit, it is possible.

ALEX: Motive?

MELANIE: I’m working on it.

(IRENE STEPTON enters. She is a petite woman in a fine black dress.)

IRENE: Whose motive?

MELANIE: Oh, you must be Mrs. Stepton.

IRENE: Yes.

MELANIE: You’re early.

IRENE: I didn’t feel like going to brunch with everyone else. Now, whose motives are you discussing?

ALEX: Melanie… Melanie thinks that Andy might have killed your husband.

IRENE: Andy? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

ALEX: Can you convince Melanie?

IRENE: Convince her? What does she want to know?

MELANIE: Was there ever any tension between the two? Any dispute over Andy’s job situation? Any problems in the company?

IRENE: No problems. Andy was as high in position as she wanted to be; he’d tried to promote her, but she told him she couldn’t handle the stress load. As for tension, the worst argument they’ve ever had was over who would get the last brownie. And that was two years ago.

ALEX: Please, Mrs. Stepton, calm down. Officer Bob here told us what’s in the case file. Can you tell me anything more? Did you see any signs that another person had been in the house?

IRENE: Aside from the bottle of pills and my husband’s death, no.

ALEX: A bottle? Were you able to find finger prints?

IRENE: Well, the police tried to, but there were none.

MELANIE: Did you find gloves, or a handkerchief, or something he might have used?

IRENE: They did find some paper towels, but they were useless.

MELANIE: Why?

OFFICER BOB: Did you ever try finger printing a sopping wet piece of paper?

ALEX: I see. Had you had any visitors besides Andy?

IRENE: Well, there was the man who delivered pizza. But we saw him drive away, so I don’t think he could have done it.

ALEX: I see. Thank you, Mrs. Stepton. I think you’d better go home and rest up now.

(IRENE exits)

ALEX: Well, what do you think, Officer?

OFFICER BOB: I hate to say it….

MELANIE: But it’s the only logical answer!

ALEX: Agreed, then. We’ll have to question Andy when she comes tonight.

MELANIE: And until further notice, she goes down in the file as our primary suspect.




Scene 3 – The same, around five thirty.

(ANDROMEDA enters, coming face to face with ALEX, MELANIE, and OFFICER BOB.)

ANDROMEDA: Hello, Alex. Did Irene come in today?

ALEX: Yes. We talked about the case.

ANDROMEDA: Have you found any leads yet?

ALEX: I’m afraid so. Have a seat, Andy.

ANDROMEDA: What’s wrong?

MELANIE: Our only lead so far, Miss Silver, is you.

ANDROMEDA: Me? What are you talking about?

OFFICER BOB: I’m sorry, Miss. But you were the only one anywhere near Hector Stepton when he was murdered.

ANDROMEDA: What? He was already dead when I found him. Alex, this is insane.

ALEX: I’m sorry. I went over the file this afternoon. The only DNA found other than theirs was yours, Andromeda.

MELANIE: Same with finger prints on the sink.

ANDROMEDA: Sink? What does the sink have to do with anything?

OFFICER BOB: It’s where the killer soaked the paper towels she used to avoid showing finger prints on the bottle.

ANDROMEDA: And you think I did that?

MELANIE: Well…. You’re the only logical option.

ALEX: I know a way we could find out.

OFFICER BOB: What, put her on the lie detector?

ALEX: Yes. It makes no sense to go chasing a lead as slim as this one. If we can get it out of the way now, I see no reason not to.

ANDROMEDA: Fine. Let’s go.

(MELANIE leaves and returns with a lie detector. She sets it up and hooks ANDROMEDA to the machine.)

ALEX: Now, Andy. Tell us. Did you murder Hector Stepton?

ANDROMEDA: No.

ALEX: Did you have anything to do with the murder?

ANDROMEDA: No.

ALEX: Do you have any idea who killed him or why?

ANDROMEDA: No.

ALEX: Melanie, what’s the reading?

MELANIE: She’s not the killer. (MELANIE smiles at ANDROMDA) Well, that’s a relief.

ALEX: There now, you see? I’m sorry we suspected you, Andy. Go get the car warmed up.

(ANDROMEDA exits)

OFFICER BOB: All right, why’d you want her out of here so fast?

MELANIE: She lied.

ALEX: What? You said she didn’t kill him!

MELANIE: No, she didn’t. The chance of lying there was 0.01%.

ALEX: Then what’s wrong?

MELANIE: On the third question, the reading is 95.6% that she lied.

OFFICER BOB: So…. You mean…

ALEX: Andy knows who the murderer is… and why!

MELANIE: But she’s not involved…

OFFICER BOB: So she’s under duress. Maybe she caught the killer before he could leave.

ALEX: That’s a fairly logical idea. Maybe he even forced her to help him get out before she screamed for her friend.

OFFICER BOB: Why would he let her go?

ALEX: I don’t know. But I plan to find out.

MELANIE: Be careful. Haven’t you yet reached the other logical conclusion?

ALEX: What?

MELANIE: She lied to cover this guy. That can mean one thing.

ALEX: A death threat. Yeah, I know.

OFFICER BOB: So, go home with her and don’t let on that you know. I’m off to get some pizza.




Scene 4 – Irene’s house

(Backlights only come on. IRENE enters, a shadowy silhouette. IVAN enters from the other side of the stage.)

IRENE: Is someone out here?

IVAN: Mrs. Stepton.

IRENE: (gasps) You! What are you doing here?

IVAN: You’ve aroused far too much interest in your husband’s death.

IRENE: But….

IVAN: I’m afraid that I can’t have you getting more of these professional snoops prying around in my business.

IRENE: You killed him? But why?

IVAN: That is no longer your concern, Mrs. Stepton. Didn’t I just tell you how much I detest prying?

IRENE: I’ll call the police, then! I can’t believe you’re doing this!

IVAN: (Draws and points gun) Do you believe it now?

IRENE: Stop! Are you crazy?

IVAN: It’s a possibility I’ve never denied.

(He fires. IRENE collapses with a shriek. IVAN puts the gun away and exits coolly.)