17. Existing Together

Of all the times, of all the places. Of all the possible eventualities of me seeing you again, how could I have possibly guessed it would be the night of senior prom. After all your talk about how school dances were dumb and how you hated wearing dresses (complaints which now held more meaning to them than before) I was still under the impression that you weren’t going to be anywhere near prom-related festivities. Yet there you were, sitting alone in that hotel room. I just stood there looking at you, and you just sat there looking at me. For a moment that was enough. For a moment we could live in the fantasy where neither of us had to say anything, no complicated words having to get in the way of us being there together, for what felt like the first time in forever. For a moment, it was beautiful, the two of us just existing together.

“I should’ve known you’d be here.” You sighed, knowing the fantasy couldn’t last forever.

“I had no idea you would be.” I replied honestly. You shrugged.

“Nor did I, really. The other members of the Pride club pitched in paying for the hotel, so all us non-straight kids didn’t have to feel too left out of the prom concept. At first I thought it was stupid but it was an opportunity to be around everybody one more time before we graduated.”

“Where are they then?”

You shrugged. “Probably off getting drunk somewhere. I’m the one left behind as usual. I knew I was right, this whole thing was a dumb idea.”

My eyes wandered off awkwardly. Times like these I wish I had your way with words.

“Hey, uh…” I stammered, not knowing where I was going to take that sentence. “Do you mind if I come in?”

You were silent. Then, you closed the book in your hands and placed it on the nearby nightstand.

“If you want.” you answered.

Still not knowing quite what to say, I stepped into the room completely and closed the door behind me. There weren’t any chairs in the room, and only the one bed which you were on, so I didn’t know if I should sit. So, I just kind of stood next to you.

“You look nice.” you said, your eyes wandering around my suit.

“Thanks,” I replied. “My uncle helped with the suit.”

“How was the prom?”

“Crazy. I mean fun, but mostly crazy.”

“Isn’t everything you do fun but mostly crazy?”

“Well my best friends usually don’t try to fight me, so that’s new.”

“That happened?”

“Yeah, Travis got drunk and, well…”

“Oy vey. Was this CJ related?”

“Yeah. It’s a long story.”

I suppose around now you noticed how I was awkwardly hovering over you.

“You can sit, you know.”

You got out of your cross-legged position, making space for me next to you. So I sat.

“Hey,” I began. “If you came here to have fun with everyone, why are you cooped up in this room?”

“Me?” you answered. “Cynical, dorky, quiet me? If you haven’t picked up by now I’m not the life of the party. I mean, I’m everybody’s friend when they need help studying for a test or something, but when they wanna party and have fun I’m picked last. It just reminds me how much I’m not like everybody else my age, I don’t know why I keep thinking coming to stuff like this would change that.”

“Hey,” I cut in. “I’m here too. And you’re the only person I want to hang out with, if that means anything.”

You gave one of your half-smiles. “It does.”

I sighed. “To be honest, I’ve missed you.”

Your half of a smile faded, and your expression became sad. “I’ve missed you too. So damn much.”

For once you weren’t keeping all your emotions so tightly reined in.

“The Pride club is cool,” you went on. “They get me, I mean, all the stuff I’m dealing with. They know exactly how I feel all the time about all… This. But they don’t really get me as a person outside of this. Nobody ever does. Nobody ever has, except you.”

“It goes both ways,” I replied. “You understood me more than anyone else. Even more than I understood myself. And I see that now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m doing the trip with my uncle. As soon as summer comes I’m going to San Francisco with him.”

“Really?” Your voice lit up. “That’s awesome.”

“I didn’t know what I was gonna do after graduation, but you got into my head and made me stop being afraid. You told me it was the right choice, without you I would’ve never taken that deal. So, if nothing else, you know… Thanks.”

“Pfft… Don’t thank me,” you dismissed. “If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be where I am either.”

“Huh?” I asked, genuinely. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Carrie, I…-” I caught myself too late, wanting to bite my tongue off. “I’m sorry, I meant-”

“It’s ok,” you sighed. “I’m still the girl you met in your head, it’s not your fault. Only you, if only for tonight… You can call me ‘Carrie’, if you need to.”

The granting of permission only made me feel worse about it.

“I’m sorry,” I said, trying to collect my thoughts. “I’m really trying to be better-”

“We can’t always be better. Trying your best is good enough.”

“Carrie, everything in my life is falling apart right now, and you’re the only-”

“I know.”

You interrupted me with a hand on my shoulder.

“But it’s-”

“Richie. I know.”

I realized just then how close we were. I looked into your eyes and saw you struggling to keep everything back as you looked into mine. You went to speak but your words trailed off.

“Richie…”

I felt your hand reach over to touch mine. The warmth and tightness of your grasp said enough. What happened next, I don’t think either of us could explain if we tried, not that we ever would.

I don’t know which one us leaned in first, but pretty soon our eyes were closed and your lips were pressed against mine. They were trembling, and had more conviction than ever before. You threw your arms around me and pulled my body to yours slowly. I did the same to you. You moved my suit jacket off of my shoulders and dropped it to the ground beside me. I leaned you over onto your back, and as your head hit the pillow I pulled away. I felt as if I should say something, but I couldn’t find the words. You hand raised to my hair and you caressed it from behind. I looked down into your eyes and saw that our breath had fogged up your glasses a little. I gently wiped them off with my finger and you smiled at my awkwardness. Your caressing then turned into pulling, as you brought my head down to yours and kept kissing.

We could never explain what happened that night, all I know for sure is that we had the time of our lives existing together.