13. I Hate it Here

Richie goes back to his normal life, or at least tries his best to.

Here we are, again at last. We’ve been here before, for brief moments, however long ago they now seem. My grasp on your hand tightens as we float through the stars. I look in your eyes and I see promise glimmering in them, and your smile makes me feel at ease. Your long flowing hair floats about carelessly in our weightlessness. I take a moment to look away, into the endless void surrounding us, taking in its beauty. Each and every star shines in its own unique way, as if to welcome us and all our differences. I feel your warmth as you draw in closer to me and whisper in my ear,

“Thanks for noticing me…”

Those words echo endlessly in my head. I turn to see you, prepared to stare into those hopeful eyes, but it’s all wrong. You hair is now short, and bright red. Your smile is hardly noticeable under all your facial hair. Startled, I try to draw my arm back, but your grip tightens, not letting me break free. In my struggle, I happen to glance down at your skirt, more specifically the enormous bulge inside of it. I try to get my arm loose with all my might, but your grip is too strong. You repeat yourself, in a voice twice as deep as mine.

“Thanks for noticing me.”

I jolted upright in bed, holding my heart, struggling to catch my breath. I didn’t know if I screamed or not upon waking up, but I really hoped I didn’t; if Uncle T came rushing into my room all concerned I did not want to have to explain that to him.

Not today. I shook my head clear of thoughts and got out of bed in order to get ready for school. In a few minutes I was heading down the stairs, just then noticing the sunrise was happening.

“Hey,” Uncle T yawned after me. “Were you just screaming?”

Smooth Richie.

“Nice response time,” I called back up the stairs. “If someone had broken in my room or something I’d be dead already.”
The sun was bright and in full effect as I walked out to my car. I shielded my eyes as I got in, stretching and yawning one final time before backing out of the driveway. The calmness of the morning air was unnerving. Why’s it so quiet? Aren’t there birds out or something?

For some reason, being alone with my thoughts suddenly seemed dangerous and scary. I needed a distraction of any kind, immediately. I quickly turned on the radio. I had left it on one of my favorite R&B stations last time I was driving. Perfect. I prepared my throat to hum along as Beyonce’s voice filled me car. She sang beautifully,

“If I was a boy…-”

Click. I turned the radio off. Driving in silence was obviously the best choice this morning.

This week, school had gone back to feeling like a cycle, each day presenting the same arbitrary motions: Apply to colleges, get lectured about SAT retakes, duck the gay kids from before in order to avoid their intrusive interrogations, and ignore the ubiquitous banter about the impending prom. Senior year was almost over, and it was intent on draining the life out of me while it still could.

By lunch I was completely zoned out, random memories of you replaying in my head as if they were my brain’s screensaver. I hardly even noticed Theo and Steve McLeary talking across from me.

“And then she ran out crying.” Theo finished. That snapped me out of my daydreams immediately.

“Wait, what?” I stammered, trying to ease back into reality and piece together what was going on.

“Dude,” Theo sighed. “Were you phasing me out through that whole story?”

“My bad bro,” I replied sheepishly. “I got a lot on my mind.”

“Me too, bro. V refuses to speak to me.”
“For real? What happened?”

“No idea. Like I just got done saying, she’s been curving me hard since our last big date. I thought everything went well, we was cool but from the next day on she ghosted me. Not answering my texts or calls, all that. And when I rolled up at her job she ran away crying. They all probly think I beat her or something now.”

Just when they got back together. Theo looked so defeated recounting this I had to give some advice.

“It’s probably not what you think.” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just guessing you’re probably all confused right now, probably blaming yourself and wondering what you did wrong. But I doubt V’s doing this to mess with you. I bet for whatever reason she can’t bring herself to talk to you right now. Like, she’s going through something heavy and needs some time to deal with it; maybe it’s something she has to tell you but doesn’t know how you’ll respond.”

Theo was silent for a minute, staring at an empty space on the lunchtable as that processed in his head.

“Hmm…” He finally said. “You might be right. Good call.”

“Yeah, man,” I sighed. “I just went through something similar, believe it or not.

“With Carrie? Well that makes sense, I haven’t seen her around in a minute. What happened?”

Glimpses of your front door opening and you standing behind it with short hair and men’s clothes flashed through my mind.

“Uh…” I stammered, unready. “I kinda really don’t need to talk about it right now.”

Theo gave an understanding shrug. “Then just tell me how you handled it.”

“Well, I did the stupid thing and rolled up to her crib unannounced.”

“Word?”

“We hashed it out from there.”

“Then that’s what I gotta do, huh?”

“Wait, what? No, I just said it was the stupid thing to do.”

“But it worked, right?”

“Well, I mean…”

I was suddenly remembering everyone’s tendency to listen to the wrong parts of the things I say. Nonetheless, Theo’s face lit up as if the idea was the clarity he was desperate for. I sighed in reluctant compliance.

“If the stupid idea suits you, do what you gotta do.”

At this point I was ready to move on from speaking about the nonstop drama of my friends’ romantic entanglements. Unfortunately, that’s exactly when Travis came angrily walking up to our table. I was ready to disregard him and zone out again, but I noticed his raging gaze was aimed directly at me.

“What did you do!?” he demanded, slamming his hands down on the table in front of me.

“What are you talking about?” I replied.

“CJ! What did you say to CJ?”

Will this chick ever stop causing me problems?

“I told her she should stop stringing dudes along, if that’s what you mean.”

His face lit with even more anger.

“Were you trying to get her to dump me?”

Theo tried to intervene. “Look, Trav-”

Before I knew it I was cutting him off, interjecting. “You weren’t dating in the first place, remember?”

Theo threw his hands up, as if backing away.

“What we are is none of your business,” Travis went on. “I don’t see why you were talking to her about me in the first place.”

“She came to me for advice,” I explained, growing more irritated that I was being blamed. “I told her if she didn’t wanna be with you to stop leading you on. And she did, so you’re welcome.”

“I’m welcome? I’m supposed to thank you for ruining my situation.”

“Bro, I didn’t make her stop feeling you, all I did was talk her into being honest about it. Y’all weren’t going anywhere, man, she was just messing with your head. You didn’t wanna be played did you?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Theo tried again, “Look, y’all need to chill.”

“Easy for you to say,” Travis shot back, not any less angry. “You’re not the one with the girl he’s trynna get at.”

“Woah, what?” I defended. “I am not trynna get with CJ. She’s the last girl I would ever talk to. You and Grant Peters are the only ones still tripping over her. Y’all both can’t realize when you’re being played since you never had anything real with someone before.”

“Guys!” Steven McLeary yelled out, cutting us both off. For a second we were all silent, each of us having forgotten he was even there. He looked at us both nervously, as if not quite prepared to have our attention.

“This is dumb,” he went on. “Travis, all you ever talk about is how confusing CJ is. And Richie, you hate even being around her. Why are you fighting with each other over a girl like that?”

Again, we fell silent. None of us had expected it, but the kid was right. Neither Travis or I knew quite what to say.

“Travis,” Steve continued. “You’re overreacting, man. Maybe it is better if she leaves you alone. And Richie, this isn’t like you.

“Word,” Theo interjected. “You’ve been out of it for days now, bro. Just tell us what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing, I-…”

I looked Theo in the eyes and couldn’t quite form the words.

“I can’t do this today,” I finally stammered, getting up from my seat and walking away. “I’ll catch you guys later.”

The rest of the day was a blur. Every day had been like that, recently. It all felt like it did back when the school year started; like each day passed by without meaning, blending together in my head. As I drove my car home, watching while the familiar surroundings of my neighborhood passed by my windows, the place suddenly felt like a prison.

By the time I got home, the decision was already made. I was done feeling stuck in the same repetitive cycle, done fighting anxiety over college and the SATs, done not knowing what I was going to do next, and most importantly, done being the kind of person too afraid to leap when opportunity presented itself.

I barely greeted Uncle T, walking past the smells of experimental foreign recipes emanating from the kitchen. I beelined up to my room, practically running up the stairs and slamming the door behind me. Tossing my backpack over beside my bed, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, scrolling through my contacts as fast as possible.

“Hey, Rich,” my Uncle Keegan answered after a few rings. “What’s up?”

With no second thought and no time wasted, I simply said to him,

“I’m doing it. I’m coming with you.”