12.5. All Things End

The following conversation.

“So what, you’re just gonna be a guy now?” I stammered, trying to hold my grip on reality. You crossed your arms nervously, and avoided looking me in the face.

“That’s kind of an oversimplification,” you answered with an uneasy sigh. “But pretty much.”

I caressed my forehead and tried to collect my thoughts. This is really happening right now.

“How… What? Where did this come from?”

“This is how I’ve felt for a long time. It’s just that now I’m not hiding it anymore.”

I replayed every intimate moment we’d shared in my mind. “A long time?”

“This is the biggest reason I moved here. I thought if I could be around different people I could, you know, start over. I thought it would give me the courage to come out, and… Well, it kinda did.”

“Jesus Christ…” I unintentionally whispered, my head still spinning. I looked at your face and tried to make sense of what I saw; staring at the person closest to me, now someone else entirely. What previously felt like home was now a foreign country. You ran a hand through your short, short hair and I had to look away.

“If this is how you always felt, why are you just doing it now?” I asked, trying not to sound defeated but certain I was failing.

“I was gonna make the announcement months ago,” you defended. “But I hit a delay in that plan, something held me back.”

I threw up my hands. “What was that?”

You finally looked me in the eyes. With a sigh came the answer,

“I met you.”

I was silent. My not knowing what to say only made you more agitated. You nervously bit your lip and glanced all around before meeting my eyes again.

“I didn’t count on this happening,” you went on. “I really like you, Richie. I didn’t want what we were doing to have to end. I thought I could just ride it out, but when you did that at the planetarium it made me realize how serious it got, and that I couldn’t keep pretending.”

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know how to even process that, the words just bounced around in my head refusing to be understood.

“I didn’t wanna string you along and make it worse,” you continued. “But I guess running out on you like that with no explanation wasn’t the right thing to do.”

Now the words suddenly came to me. “Ya think?” I shot, sounding more vulnerable than I intended.

“I know,” you sighed, keeping yourself mostly collected. “I hate when my emotions make me act stupidly. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but didn’t know what I could’ve done instead. I just couldn’t look at you, I mean… I wasn’t ready to have this conversation. I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve to be left in the dark like that.”

I couldn’t explain it, but a vaguely familiar empty feeling came over me. Looking you in the eyes, hearing your voice, it all suddenly seemed like a lie.

“This feels like a bad dream.” I thought aloud.

“This is what I was trying to keep pushing back. This moment here is what I’ve been dreading.”

I had to gather my thoughts and say something. “Carrie…-”

“It’s Jason now,” you cut me off. “If you haven’t heard.”

That empty feeling got a little stronger.

“What now?” I conceded. You looked away from me again.

“Now I go to therapy, take testosterone pills and save up for an eventual surgery.”

I guess I must have been standing there not saying anything for a while, because you finally spoke up and said,

“Richie, I’m still me. Everything we’ve been through, all those feelings are still there.”

Your voice was no longer a passive monotone. Your eyes were no longer gloomy and uninterested. Your expression wasn’t a vaguely-invested half-grin. All the things about you I’d come to expect were gone, and you were now full of emotion, your voice beginning to shake, your eyes beginning to water, and your face twisted with worry.

“I don’t know what to say.” I finally spat out, that empty feeling now taking over completely.

“It’s okay,” you breathed, pulling yourself back together and retreating to your familiar calmness. “I didn’t expect you to stay. I figured this is how it would turn out.”

In that moment, all the stars that used to appear and surround us were suddenly missing. The only thing around us was the cold breeze and the haunting silence of your quiet neighborhood.

“Thank you,” you continued. “The past few months meant more to me than you’d ever imagine.

“Me too,” I sighed. “Me too.”

And with that, the two of us stood there in that haunting silence. It might have been a few minutes, might have been an hour or two, but you and I were stuck in that moment, afraid to walk away. Until eventually, we did. I was back in my car, and you were back in your house, and we were out of each other’s lives.

Reviews

[fwvalidus]

Difficult territory when you start using "you" instead of Jason/Carrie. The mix of first- and second-person narrative feels awkward. And I know that this is an awkward chapter, so maybe it belongs this way. But perhaps decide if that was your purpose. Maybe rethink the approach if the purpose of using "you" was to make it more emotional from Richie's perspective or using "you" because the line b/w Carrie and Jason hadn't quite changed.

[Sora The Egotistical]

It's a little hard to tell on here but chapter 11 was the end of "Part 1" of the book, and chapter 12 onward is "Part 2" so the way the narrative is told is a little switched. I'm sure you'll get used to it, and heads up it'll switch again for the third and final part