10. The Way I Feel Inside

Well, uh, that happened...

“Should I try to hide

The way I feel inside

My heart for you

Would you say that you would try to love me too…”

Carrie’s mother was shaking beside me with giddy excitement as soon as her daughter’s acapella solo began. The school’s auditorium was full of parents and other family members of the student choir, and at this moment every single one of them was focused on Carrie Thompson as her voice alone rang through the otherwise silence. Her getting the solo was already an accomplishment, but this being her first ever school concert made it all the more noteworthy. I would have probably been more happy for her if her mother weren’t repeatedly slamming her elbow against mine as if I were asleep or something. I had once or twice heard the myth of supportive parents, but I wasn’t at all prepared for this woman’s level of enthusiasm.

“Could you ever be really close to me?

I can tell the way you smile

If I feel that I can be certain then, I’d say the things I want to say tonight…”

A chill hit me. She really is amazing. By now, Carrie’s voice had been so ingrained into my mind that I could close my eyes and hear it instantly, the passive sarcasm and witty remarks it crafted echoing in my head. But hearing that familiar cynical monotone be transformed into a soft, angelic alto was mind blowing, like there was something in her that I had always been around but rarely ever saw for what it was.

“But till I can see

That you’d really care for me

I’ll keep trying to hide the way I feel inside.”

The auditorium erupted into applause, and the dozen or so students onstage took their bows. Half of them went backstage to change out of those blue church robes, the other walked down to greet their families and take pictures. The former Mrs. Thompson grabbed my wrist and yanked me out of my seat, but before she could run over to Carrie, her cell phone carrier’s default ringtone emanated from her pocket. She looked at her phone and immediately groaned.

“I have to take this,” she said, letting go of my wrist and allowing the blood to continue circulating to my hand. “Tell Carrie to wait for me.”

I nodded as she walked out into the hall. I looked around, seeing if I could tell who was whose parent, but realizing I didn’t know any of the kids here anyway.

“Hey, Richie.” CJ Wellings said, directly into my ear from behind. I stand corrected… Why does she always sneak up on me like that?

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Seeing Emily, duh.”

I’ll just pretend I know who that is.

“You’re here for Carrie, right?”

“Yeah,” I answered, realizing then how obvious that was. “I came through with her mom.”

“Who knew that girl can sing? She’s amazing isn’t she.”

I was thrown off by her tone there. “Yeah, she’s pretty dope.”

She gave one of her mischievous grins. “Is that your secret attraction? Singing?”

Again with this?

“You would know all about that, huh, Mrs. Alvarez?”

She immediately looked grossed out by that title.

“I’m not changing my name for Travis any time soon,” she retorted. “If there’s anything he’d make me change it’d be my phone number.”

I raised a brow. “That’s not a thing you say about people you date.”

“Woah, there. We are not dating. Who says we’re dating?”

“Judging by the fact that you recurringly go on dates, I’d say the English dictionary.”

“Look, Travis likes me alot but now that I know what it’s like being around him all the time the feeling is less than mutual.”

“Then why do you keep agreeing to go places with him? Why haven’t you cut it off?”

“Travis isn’t the type to take no for an answer, I’m trying not to hurt his feelings.”

“Well that’s new.”

Her expression foze. I began to feel something I couldn’t explain, but then I realized it wasn’t any new emotion, but instead the lack of one. It felt like it had been gone for a while now and I was just then noticing.

“If you weren’t trying to send mixed signals why were you kissing him at Time Square?”

“It was New Years,” she defended. “That’s what you do, Theo was kissing a stranger!”

“Yeah, well Theo didn’t lead the stranger on for four months beforehand.”

She went to say something, but stopped. She sighed, and her eyes drifted to the empty seat next to me.

“You just think I’m such a horrible person, don’t you?”

I’d never heard her sound so honest and sincere before.

“No,” I answered. “I just can’t see why I used to like you so much anymore.”

I got up from my seat and prepared to go looking for Carrie.

“CJ,” I sighed. “Do what you want, just stop messing with people’s feelings.”

And with that I started walking to into the crowd.

It didn’t take long to find Carrie. She was navigating around groups of families like a fish out of water, lifting her gown thing up so she didn’t trip over it and straightening her glasses. Her face turned red and a smile ensued as soon as she saw me.

“How’d I do?” She called, getting over to me as fast as she could.

“You were amazing.”

She did that thing where she looks away and covers her smile again.

“You got a solo on your first time being a part of the choir,” I complimented. “And you were worried after your auditions.”

“They even let me pick the song.”

Ms. Thompson came walking back over, with a disappointed look on her face replacing her previous excitement.

“Bad news, guys,” she said to us. “There’s a crisis at work because of new hires who don’t know what they’re doing. I was gonna take you both out for ice cream or something to celebrate my girl’s big day, but lord knows I need the overtime.”

“It’s okay, mom.” Carrie answered with a frown.

“It’s cool,” I interjected. “You can go to work and Carrie can come to my house, we’ll celebrate with the cake my uncle made instead.”

“Your uncle made a cake?” Carrie asked. “Any specific occasion?”

“Nah, he’s just going through a baking phase.”

Ms. Thompson’s face lit back up immediately, her fitness model smile coming back.

“That sounds great!” she cheered. “Thanks so much, Richie! You two have fun, don’t take her home too late… Eh, you’re good kids, don’t worry about it.”

“Yo, Uncle T,” I called out as we entered through the front door. “We’re here.”

He came out of the kitchen in oven mitts and an oversized, flour-stained apron.

“Hey, Carrie.” he said, waving his mitt. She smiled.

“Hi, Mr. Harris.”

“Wassup, Chef Boyardee?” I laughed as we entered the kitchen. He directed us to a big, round, white-iced cake on the counter, which was apparently called ‘Devil’s Food’ for some reason.

“Your uncle sure knows his way around an oven.” Carrie complimented as I opened the door to my room.

“Welcome to my secret lair.” I said, hoping I’d remembered at some point this week to clean it up. I saw it wasn’t too messy as we entered.

“Huh,” Carrie thought aloud, walking in and looking around. “Kinda looks just like mine.”

She made her way to the CD collection on my dresser as I closed the door.

“You shoulda seen how happy your mom was for you,” I said. “She was all jumping in her seat the whole time you were singing.”

“Sorry,” Carrie laughed. “I forgot to warn you she sometimes gets carried away with the whole ‘supportive parent’ thing.”

“Word.”

“I think her enthusiasm was partially relief though.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I dunno, she’s been worrying a lot since we moved here. These past few months have been a rollercoaster, but now on her side of things she’s making a lot more at her job and all that, and now with me doing school activities for the first time in my life it might be like a sign for her that everything’s okay after all. I feel like for the first time in a long time she’s not worrying about me.”

For just a moment as she was saying that, her usual laid back, unemotional tone of voice began to peel away, making room for an unfamiliar sincerity ever so subtly shining through. Then, as if noticing it and catching herself right away, she slipped back into that chill, nonchalant demeanor she carried so well.

“I’m just glad I’m done with that concert, I’ve been on my feet all day.”

She walked over to my bed.

“You don’t mind if I make myself at home, do you?”

I involuntarily shuddered for a second. She noticed, and gave me a curious look.

“The last girl to lay in my bed was CJ.” I explained. Carrie gave a chill grin and outstretched her arms, falling back and collapsing onto my mattress. She reached for my pillow and replied,

“Now she’s not.”

I walked over and sat on the edge beside her. She looked up at me, pushing her glasses up with her finger.

“For what it’s worth,” I began. “Your mom may have the right idea. Now that you mention it, I’ve been worrying a lot less lately too.”

I trailed off as I felt her hand touch mine, catching me off guard. I looked over and we met eyes, for a moment just sitting there in silence staring into each other. My mind then did something I couldn’t explain; in a flash I was seeing her for the first time again, in the dim light of Jenny Allen’s house party, surrounded by loud music and the smell of alcohol. Then, as quick as it came, we were back in my room, her angry, unamused expression of that night replaced again by her wide eyes and blushing red cheeks. It was then everything I had spent the past month or two trying to figure out became crystal clear. Her hold on my hand tightened. I reached for her other hand, and she sat upright to be eye level with me.

I don’t know for sure how exactly it started, or even whether it was her or me that leaned forward, but our eyes closed and her warmth embraced me. First I felt her arms shooting over my shoulders, pulling me in, then her mouth melting onto mine. I moved my hand up her back to pull her closer and her whole body tightened. With my other hand on the bed, I slowly guided her back down onto it and hovered above her. Now on her back, her kissing became more forceful, more demanding, pausing only for stray seconds to gasp for breath then coming right back in. and her hands clutched my shirt tightly. I moved mine up under her hoodie, feeling the bare skin of her torso.

Her grip got more intense as she shoved me to the side, spinning us around and getting on top of me. Once situated, she immediately dropped her head down and kissed me again, this time opening her mouth and ensuring that we met tongues. Her whole body was pressed against me, I could feel its warmth inviting me closer. My hands had  dropped to her thighs, her skin feeling warm though tense with goosebumps. I gently moved them upward, ever so slightly pushing up her skirt…

“Richie, Carrie…” My uncle called from outside my room as he knocked. In an instant, Carrie leapt off of me and soundlessly landed beside me, transforming back into her collected, composed self, like a ravenous werewolf suddenly reverting back to human state.

“What’s up, Uncle?” I called, sitting upright.

“Last call for seconds before the rest of the cake goes to the neighbors.”

I looked over at Carrie, not knowing what to say. Her face was bright red, and she turned away from me to hide her smile, then pushed up her glasses and I saw the luminous gleam in her eyes. Her hand reached out for mine again.

“We’ll be right there.” I called out, taking her hand. We stood up and walked over to the door. Funny, I don’t even remember ever letting go of Carrie Thompson’s hand.

Reviews

[fwvalidus]

Another good chapter. But boy oh boy do you like to tease with how you ended it...