5. Theo and CJ and Travis and Carrie and Me

Quality time among friends, and maybe more than friends?

This is when I’m in grade school, maybe seven or eight. I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Uncle T’s old car. He doesn’t have any grey hairs or blood problems yet. He’s driving and we’re both wearing these fancy suits. I’m uncomfortable and anxiously fidgeting around in my seat, trying to loosen the tie doing an impression of a boa constrictor around my neck, constantly wondering when we’d get there. I don’t quite know what a ‘ring bearer’ is, but my uncle told me I had to be one today.

“Would it kill you to sit still?” T says without taking his eyes off the road. “Is this what you do to your dad when he takes you out places?”

I groan impatiently then stare out a window.

“Uncle T,” I begin to ask. “Why isn’t my dad coming to this?”

He sighs, unsure how to answer the question. “Your dad is a divisive guy.”

“Divisive?”

“It means… Well, a lot of stuff happened a long time ago before you were born, and now not all of the family talks to him. It’s no one’s fault, that’s just the way it is.”

I look down at the dashboard. Everyone older’s always talking to me really vaguely, trying to answer the questions I ask without really telling me anything. Uncle T is the only grownup that didn’t do that to me, but lately whenever I bring up my dad even he starts to.

I decide to change the subject.

“Why do people get married?”

Uncle T laughs a little, thrown off guard by this.

“Well, Richie,” he begins. “Sometimes two people fall in love, and when they’re in love they usually want to spend their lives together.”

“Their whole lives? Like, forever? Don’t they ever get tired of each other.”

“You never get tired of the person you’re in love with. And they have to stick together, that’s how new families get started.”

“How come my dad never got married?”

My uncle takes a very uncomfortable pause.

“Well, Rich, falling in love and starting a family doesn’t always work out. Not for everybody.”

“It’s no one’s fault, right?” I say. “Just the way it is?”

“You’re learning.” he sighs.

I stare out the window again. “How can people falling in love not work out? I thought love was supposed to be this perfect thing for grown ups, how can it be wrong?”

“Sometimes people think they’re in love when they’re really not. Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong people.”

“How are you supposed to know that’s gonna happen?”

“You don’t.”

“Well then why does anybody take the chance?”

“Tax purposes mostly.”

“What?”

“Nothing. You gotta take the chance, Richie. When it’s wrong it kinda sucks, yeah, but when it’s right your life can change forever.”

I sigh, once again trying to loosen my tie, but I can’t even figure out how the thing works.

“Is everything that confusing when you grow up?” I ask. Uncle T laughs.

“A lot of things are,” he answers. “But you get used to it. Don’t worry, Richie. Sometimes I think you’re ready to be a grownup right now.”

I look up at my uncle. For some reason he looks different now than he usually does. Maybe I’m  just starting to see him differently, I’m not sure.

“Hey, Uncle,” I say. “How come you never got married?”

“Why are you saying it like my chance is already over?”

“Well… Are you ever going to?”

“You know, kid, you ask a lot of questions.”

Senior Year, October

The commotion of the amusement park welcomed us, sounds of electronic game machines and the screams of people on rides greeted our ears, the distinct scents of hot dogs and gasoline hung in the air.

“Man,” Theo sighed, looking around and running a hand through his dreads. “I haven’t been here in years.”

“Time flies,” CJ replied. “What are we riding first?”

“Let Rich pick.” Theo answered with a smirk.

“Nah,” Travis laughed. “I don’t wanna ride the teacups.”

“Ha-ha.” I shot dryly. Trav and Theo loved to get on me for my fear of heights and, by the extension, my fear of riding airborne death contraptions at amusement parks. But that fear had been instilled when we were little kids, by now we’d grown and fears like that were a thing of the past. At least I hoped they were.

“Aye, where’s that girl you said you’d bring?” Travis asked me as we took our place in the ticket line.

“I’m not sure she’s coming,” I said with a shrug. “She didn’t seem too into the idea when I invited her, she’s probably-”

“Behind you.” Theo finished for me. I turned to see Carrie Thompson approaching, gleaming eyes staring out at me from behind those clunky glasses, with a warm yet passive smile on her face.

“Hey, Superboy.” She called.

“Her?” Travis said in surprise.

“Superboy?” Theo repeated.

“Carrie,” I greeted, ignoring both of them. “You came!”

“Sounded like fun.” She replied absently.

“Well, it’s about time you formally met the crew. You already know Travis, and this is Theo.”

They both gave introductory head nods.

“And this is… CJ.”

I’d almost forgotten she was here.

“So you’re the one I hear so much about.” Carrie said to her with a curious grin. Why’d she have to go and say that?

“Oh, really?” CJ asked with her mischievous smile.

“Aye,” I called out, looking for the nearest possible distraction. “Who wants to shoot some ducks?”

Attention diverted to a nearby game set up, where you had to fire little pellets and yellow-painted cardboard cutouts in the shapes of ducks.

Carrie shrugged. “Games that advocate animal cruelty are always fun.”

“Let’s get it.” Theo replied eagerly. “I’ll show y’all the aim that wins all my team’s games.”

“Aim?” CJ laughed. “You just run fast and knock guys over.”

“So many haters,” Theo dismissed. “Just watch and see.”

We got our tickets from the overweight, sweaty booth operator and headed over to the animal cruelty-advocating game. Theo and Travis immediately grabbed the two pellet guns and got ready.

“You ain’t ready.” Travis called in a cocky tone as he squinted at his targets. Theo scoffed.

“Are they always so competitive?” Carrie asked, as she, CJ and I watched the calamity.

“Always.” CJ confirmed. I shrugged.

“Our friendship is based around a perpetual struggle to outdo each other,” I explained. “It’s probably just a guy thing.”

“So,” CJ began with a mischievous tone in her voice. “Carrie, was it?”

Oh lord.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around school before.”

“Yeah,” Carrie replied. “My last year in high school is my first year here.”

“How do you like it?”

“It’s cool for the most part. Everyone here’s so nice.”

“Especially Richie, huh?”

Oh lord!

“So,” CJ persisted. “How’d you two start hanging out, anyway?”

“Ooh!” Travis called out boastfully. “How you feel?”

The little LED screen next to Travis’ gun flashed ‘You Win’. Theo threw his gun down bitterly.

“This thing’s broken.”

CJ and Carrie laughed in unison. Them doing anything in unison didn’t sit right in my head.

“Anyone else?” Travis said, looking around the group. “You wanna pick up a gun, Rich?”

I shot him a look. That fool knows I have no aim, he was just trying to beat another person easy to look cooler in front of the girls.

“I’ll do it.” Carrie said, to everyone’s surprise. Travis raised a brow, but Theo stepped aside to make way for Carrie in his place. She straightened her glasses, then lifted her gun and took aim.

“I think I like her.” Theo said to me, as he, CJ and I lined up to watch.

In a minute or two the LED screen flashed up to confirm her victory. We the audience were surprised but cheered nonetheless. Carrie gave a taunting curtsy as Travis threw his gun down.

“This thing is rigged.” he muttered. I rolled my eyes.

We hit a few more attractions, typical amusement park things. I thought I’d impress Carrie at the skeeball booth.

“This is so emasculating.” I muttered, holding the giant, stuffed purple monkey.

“You’re the one who wanted to play.” Carrie laughed.

“I wanted to win you this stupid thing.”

“Well you’d better step your game up. You got out-aimed by the girl with glasses.”

We also hit up a picture booth. The five of us made a series goofy faces in the tight space we were limited to, and the resulting photographs were actually kind of charming. They didn’t show a bunch of angsty teens divided by complicated pasts and awkward emotions, they seemed to tell the story of five young people who at least knew enough about the world to realize the importance of making lasting memories; the story of five kids happy to face the big, scary world, who didn’t have the slightest problem doing it with each other. Maybe, if only for a night, if only for a moment lost in time, those five kids were us.

While the others got on rides, I found myself sitting out. I was alone with my thoughts until suddenly I was alone with CJ.

“Still afraid of rollercoasters?” she laughed, taking a seat next to me on the otherwise empty bench. She held two giant cotton candy cones, handing me one.

“I’m not afraid,” I defended, frowning and taking a bite. “It’s just… Someone’s gotta watch everyone’s stuff.”

CJ giggled and took a mouthful of her cone. “You really haven’t changed much at all, Richie.”

“Same to you.” I answered dryly. “I should probably say thanks.”

“Thanks?”

“For the party awhile back. I heard you punched out Grant.”

“Oh, that. Well yeah, he got out of line so I had to show him a little sneak preview of Tekken 7.”

“He’s a jerk. But look at you, standing up for yourself, maybe you have changed a little bit.”

I scoffed and turned away.

“So,” she cocked her head to the side. “That Carrie girl?”

“She’s pretty cool, isn’t she?”

“She’s sure… Different. Almost like you. But she’s nice.”

CJ leaned back in the bench and got closer to me.

“You two seem pretty close.” She said, an underlying inquisitive tone in her voice. I shrugged.

“We get along really well. I can talk to her about anything. She’s a good friend, you know?”

“Oh,” she kept pushing deeper. “Are you guys just friends or is there something more happening between you?”

I wanted to tell her that Carrie and I were just friends, but what came out was,

“What’s it to you?”

CJ’s demeanor suddenly became withdrawn and defensive, those sharp inquisitive eyes retreating to her cotton candy.

“It’s just…” she tried, forming a new strategy on the spot. “We used to be friends, Richie. Now I have no idea what’s going on in your life anymore. I mean, you won’t even talk to me unless your friends drag us somewhere together.”

“Oh gee, I wonder why.”

“You have to know I didn’t mean for everything to end up the way it did. You think I would want to end things like that?”

“So you humiliated me by accident?”

“Richie, I’m sorry…”

She leaned over and touched my arm gently. Memories of every time she did that before came flooding back in. She continued,

“I never got a chance to say it but I really am. If I could take it back what I did, I would.”

“So would I.”

She looked me in the eyes and I saw something in her for the first time I can remember: vulnerability.

“Hey, guys!” Travis called out, materializing out of thin air behind us and leaning against our bench. “What’re you two doing away from all the action.”

He was in full throttle cockblock-mode, doing what he could to prevent CJ and I being alone together.

“Just catching up, Trav.” I answered, the subtext clear.

“Well c’mon. Theo and one of the park managers made a bet, now he’s about to try the strength test.”

“This should be good.” CJ said with an eager grin. I shrugged and stood up. “Onward, then.”

Travis lead the way, and by the time we got there a crowd had formed around Theo, holding the cartoonish, big mallet as he stood before the machine. We weaved through the crowd until we were upfront beside Carrie. She looked at me with her semi-smile.

“Just in time for the show.” she said. We looked forward to Theo as he raised the hammer above his head.

“Yo, Rich, Trav,” he called out. “Someone pull out your phone and get this. Y’all ready?”

With the form of a Roman gladiator, he slammed the hammer down on the big button, and the slider rocketed upward, clashing into the bell and sending a ring that resonated through the whole park. The whole crowd roared, cheering and clapping as Theo took his bow.

“That’s our boy!” Travis and I called in unison.

An embarrassed-looking manager walked up with a camera.

“Welcome to the hall of fame.” he said begrudgingly, preparing to take a picture.

Theo posed and in all of the celebration I looked over to see CJ reach over and hug Travis from behind. He leaned his head back and she kissed his cheek. Suddenly any lingering desire I might have had to continue occupying that space vanished in a heartbeat. Without saying anything to anybody I turned and started walking. I walked past all the sights and sounds of the park until I was standing just outside of it, on the pier overlooking the lake. The lights became colorful blurs in the water’s murky reflection. I leaned against the railing of the pier and gazed into the emptiness, wondering if anybody had even noticed I was gone as I watched the sunset.

“Inviting someone here just to constantly disappear? Doesn’t that strike you as rude, Superboy?”

I turned to see Carrie there, walking alone up to me.

“Where are the others?” I asked her, barely trying to conceal my absent expression.

“On another rollercoaster. I figured you’d gone somewhere quiet to think.”

“Another correct assumption.”

“Well, it’s always worse to brood alone.”

She walked over to railing next to me and we stared at the lake together.

“I finally met the famous CJ.” Carrie said as our eyes drifted across the darkening sky.

“Lucky you.” I sighed.

“I think I like her.”

I turned to her in shock and confusion.

“You like her!?”

Carrie shrugged. “Why’s that so surprising?”

“Because she’s shallow and vain and manipulative and self centered and a living embodiment of every quality you hate?”

“Well, she does have qualities I hate. But there’s more to her. She doesn’t aspire to be all those things, it’s more of a defense mechanism.”

“Defense?”

“Of course. That conceited attitude she puts on is an act. Beneath it she probably hates who she is. So she needs to be the center of attention, hoping other people liking her will convince her to like herself.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah. She feels empty on the inside and fills that void with affection from unsuspecting men. But aren’t we all a little empty sometimes? Everyone handles their insecurities differently, and being an emotional succubus is all that she knows. But on the other hand, she obviously seems to recognize the good people in her life, she spends most of her time with you guys and seems to be legitimately trying to make things right with you… Though whether or not she’s succeeding is a different story. CJ’s probably a nice girl, she’s just unsure of herself. ”

“So, what? You’re telling me all the time we spent I thought we were getting closer, I was just being used to fix her self-esteem?”

“Pretty much. You win some you lose some.”

“That’s what I get for falling for it, huh?”
Carrie looked at me curiously.

“You really cared about her, didn’t you?”

I looked away from her, back to the lake. The stars in the sky were glimmers in the water as it rippled. Carrie sighed and joined me in staring off to the distance.

“I’m sorry you got hurt, Richie. You don’t deserve it.”

A moment passed, silent aside from the far away sounds of the park.

“Carrie,” I said. “Do you think it’s possible to have been the same type of person for too long?”

“More than anyone, trust me.”

“Maybe I should be done being the person gets caught up in all of… Well, this.”

“Is it that easy to just become a different version of yourself?”

“Like updating your phone. Starting now, I’m a new man.”

“Oh, yeah?” Carrie tried, pushing up her glasses with a mischievous look in her eyes. “Prove it then.”

She suddenly grabbed my arm and started to pull me. I was taken off guard, not knowing what was happening.

“What are we doing?” I said, trying to pull my arm free only to be surprised by Carrie’s upper body strength.

“Come on,” she said with a smile. “Let’s go ride the ferris wheel!”

“Ferris wheel?” I repeated as she took off and dragged me behind her. “What are we, seven?”

“Don’t act like you’re too mature, you’re just afraid of being up that high. But if you’re a new man like you say, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

She lead the way through the festivities of the fair, past the rides and the games and attractions and the seemingly hundreds of people. I couldn’t find Theo or the others anywhere in the crowd, but they all passed by so fast I couldn’t have acknowledged them anyway.

“Come on, Richie, this is gonna be fun.” Carrie reassured as our carriage began to lift. I instinctively clung to the metal bar. Why does every ride have to be about heights? Can’t there be ground-based fun at amusement parks?

“It’s no so bad if you don’t think about it.” More ‘Easier Said Than Done’ advice from Carrie Thompson. I tried to relax as we reached the midpoint of the ride.

“Aren’t you glad you came?” I said, trying not to hyperventilate. Carrie smiled.

“Yeah, this has been a pretty fun night. I think I’ve been in need of human interaction.”

The excitement below became an indistinct blur, with lights dancing around throughout it. Before I knew it, we were at the highest point of the ferris wheel. Then, of course, we stopped moving. I froze just as quickly and completely as the ride did. I turned my head and looked down. Suddenly, being so high up wasn’t so scary, and I could see the world below us a lot more clearly. I don’t know how long Carrie Thompson and I were up there at the top of that ferris wheel, but in the moment I suddenly didn’t care.