Gateway To The Soul

If there was a soul to find...

They say that the eyes are the gateway to the soul; that you can tell everything about the person just by looking in their eyes. You can tell when someone is caring or kind or gentle with just once glance. You can also tell if someone is deceitful or cruel or full of malice. You can usually figure out when someone is joking or laughing. You can always catch that twinkle of mischief. A loving gaze will never go unnoticed. A look of hate will send daggers flying and the eyes of anguish can make anyone feel their pain. 

I stand in front of the mirror, staring at the person before me, as she stares back. The familiar hair is there; as well as the nose, the ears, the lips. I go down the body, scrutinizing every inch, desperately trying to figure out what feels different and foreign. My gaze finally rests on the eyes. I have seen them many times before, maybe while putting on make-up or touching up a blemish, but today they are unfamiliar to me. I search for a hint of joy or laughter...but I am void of any happiness. I look for sadness or tears, but I am dry. Urgently, I reach for anger or hate but, alas, I find none. No, I see nothing by a clever mask. A mask of emotion that I can pull out when the situation calls, none of it is real. The only hint of feeling I have is a deep self-loathing in the very pit of my heart. I turn away from the mirror, I cannot look at those eyes anymore. I am ashamed of what I have become...and can I blame myself? I want to cry and cleanse my soul, but tears cannot take this hatred away. My soul dwells in an unfeeling pit of despair, unable to find the light, unable to breathe.