The Butcher

Will be editing this piece soon. Wasn't totally happy with it when i put it up, but i wanted to post it whilst it was still raw.

"No!". The cleaver came down, splitting his head open like a piece of rotten fruit. He grabbed the handle, now slick with the captive's blood and pulled as hard as could, hearing the blade grate against broken bone and brain matter. Once the blade was free, he took an old rag from his leather apron, spat on blades surface and began cleaning the gore from it. When he was done he threw the blade towards his work bench, where the blade bit deeply into the wood, giving out a satisfying thudding sound. He plodded slowly through his work shop, taking one over sized hand in the other and meticulously cracking his knuckles, sending a low popping noise echoing through the dimly lit quarters....

When he arrives in the holding cells, he moved over to the generator that was adjacent to the doorway and went slowly down on his knees. He grabbed a large circular handle and began turning it, as fast as he could. Within seconds, the generator spat out sparks of blue fire and came to life, sending a high pitched buzzing noise through out the room. When the room was finally illuminated, the butcher turned towards the cages and showed his three captives a disgustingly evil grin, his bottom teeth protruding from his lip. Two young men and an old woman. The men had been taken from the homeless shelters, no one would miss them, those places were riddled with vagrants and vagabonds. The woman though, her absence would draw some attention. The two young men were dressed in worn, battered clothes, old leather boots that were barely holding together and they both stank of sewage and rotten food. But not her. Even if this place she looked regal, her clothes were of a fine quality, she smelled of a sweet, almost sickly perfume and she looked well fed. He took a rusted key ring from a leather thong on his apron and began unlocking the cage. Whilst he did this, the two young men began to scream and shout "Please, please!! Have mercy!! We beg of you!". But not the old woman, no not her, she just sat there, her back perfectly straight against the wall and she stared up at the butcher, matching his gaze. He let out a deep booming sound, which passed for a laugh. She didn't fear him yet, but she would, she would scream. They all screamed in the end. He reached out with a large meaty fist to grab the old woman, and drag her from the cage....

When the holding cells were secure, when his next victim was strapped down to the large wooden table in the center of his workshop, he went to work, a master of his craft, this would not take long. The old woman had been secured to the table by four large leather straps, which went over her legs, torso, chest and finally one just under her neck. The butcher loomed over her, he was gigantic, at least eight feet tall, his arms and legs the size of tree trunks, his head a large deformed mound of flesh. His blackened eyes looked down at her, full of blood lust and hunger. Not for her flesh, no, but for the honour of taking her apart, piece by piece. In his hand was his cleaver, the blade already stained and pitted by the blood of so many others. He met her eyes again, still she did not flinch. "Words?" He said, but it came slowly, like he was pronouncing each letter, one at a time. She continued to stare up at him and shook her head lightly, barely moving it because of her confinements.  The butcher grunted, took a firm grip on his cleaver, then slammed it down, just above her right knee. Blood squirted from the wound, sending a spray of crimson against the dirty stone walls. Then again, off went her left leg, sending another crimson shower across the room. He swiped his arm across the table, sending both legs falling to the floor. Again, he looked at her, she was deathly pale, biting onto the leather strap that was around her neck, leaving deeply indented teeth marks. He shifted his weight, then brought his blade down twice more, this time taking her arms. He picked up one of the severed limbs, pressed the flesh in his grip and brought it to his mouth, he ran a large slug like tongue over her fingers and bellowed his deep booming laugh. By this point, the old woman had passed out so he decided to accelerate his work and make short work of this, he had already had his fun....

In the cage, the two young men could hear the butcher at work, and they trembled against each other, shuddering with fear in the darkness. They knew they would meet the same fate, it was just a matter of who went first. The door came bursting open and the butcher strode into the room. He repeated the same task as last time, igniting the generator. Once done, he turns to the face the men. He was adorned in the old woman's blood, his apron coated in it, his arms slick with shredded muscle and sinew. He unlocked the cage and watched as the two men cowered in fear, scrambling back against the wall, in a futile attempt to escape the grotesque giant. The butcher raised his cleaver, blood dripping from the blade on to the floor at his feet. He pointed the blade at the young man and said, in his cold, deep, dead voice "You!!".....

Reviews

[Adam Osborne]

Prepare for my longest review yet! Solid short story and excellent premise but I think I have a few things to be picky about since I do happen to like gory stuff. You use phrases like thudding sound and popping noise, which in the end becomes a little redundant because we as a reader know that thud and pop are noises and sounds. Also, in creating this redundancy you throw the story's movement into a glue trap...in other words, it kinda slows the story down from the beginning. A simple use of thud or pop leaves us the actually hear the noise instead of you telling us that its a noise to be heard. The line with the generator really left me a little disappointed. With old crank generators they just don't spark to life, they actually moan into the high pitched whine. Use your words to describe that noise...for example: "The generator moaned to life as the low tone evolved into a high pitched whine." With the origins of the two men...your sentence structure was a little wonky and had me having to go back and read it a few times before I pieced it together. No worries, it happens to the best of us. Instead, try using this wording "the men had been taken from the homeless shelters, a place riddled with vagrants and vagabonds; no one would miss them. You have three clear statements without having to use all of those pesky commas. Your description of the woman needs to be separated into two sentences. Try: "Even in this place she looked regal in her clothes of fine quality. She smelled of perfume, a sickly sweet fragrance that wafted from her plump frame." In doing so, you're allowing the reader to make the assumption that the woman is well fed instead of telling us forthright. It also flows a little better (in my opinion) and demonstrates more clearly the perfume was so sweet smelling it was almost sickening, instead of the perfume smelling sickly which automatically made me think eau du vomit (of course, that might just be me O.o) You wrote "He let out a deep booming sound, which passed for a laugh" Again with the sound bit. I would much like to see you utilizing the sense of detail that I have seen you use in your other works. Use a simile of some sort if you must...just make us feel that the laugh is deep and ominous through other means than "Booming sound". Next order of business is this line "She didn't fear him yet, but she would, she would scream." Pesky commas are my friend as well; however there is no shame in a three word sentence, because three words can be a very powerful thing. My suggestion is keep your wording, but get rid of the comma between she would and she would and replace it with a period. The three word sentence "She would scream" is powerful and can be chilling when delivered in the right context, which you did. Lots of unnecessary comma usage. Don't be afraid of a lot of sentence, be afraid of comma splices (they are writer's doom I tells ya). Also, I want to feel what this old lady is feeling as she getting hacked to pieces. No one would be calm during that...give us some of her thoughts, some of the searing pain that is undoubtedly pulsing through her body. Let us know she is about to pass out with a description of her visions of the room blurring and fading. Also, WE WANT MORE GORE! I love that you utilize lots of blood (gallons of the stuff), but I want it to be more than just blood and I want it to be more than just a splatter on a dirty wall. Tell us how it paints the walls and how the warm thick essence of life slowly drips across the cracks and crevices of (what I perceive to be) a dungeon-esque setting.

With all my nit picky things aside, I do like it :)

[SonOfPlunder]

I wasn't that happy with the result, i just wanted to get it up quickly, whilst it was raw and get some feedback. Thanks for the review Adam, you make a lot of sense and i will take it all into consideration when i edit it soon. Thanks again!

[Nusquam Esse]

I was much the same. I liked the general setting, but the writing was in need of improvement. I haven't had time to do in depth reviews, so I held off on posting anything; one liners on a story which has potential is a disingenuous and disrespectful thing to give. I will hold off on any reviews until I have time to really evaluate what you have here. I recommend looking at my story "Where Men Cannot Exist...", it has a dungeon torture sequence, which while less graphical and more focused on psychological manipulation, may help you out with this. I also highly recommend reading the advice which the other reviewers gave me; as much of it can be applied here as well. (especially Matt, he gave some A+ advice) Good Luck, I will try and get you a decent, constructive, review in the near future.

[blackcayne]

"No!". Haha what? Okay thats supposed to just be "No!" But I'm assuming that was a typo or something. Also happens at the end "You!!".....

'Once the blade was free, he took an old rag from his leather apron, spat on blades surface and began cleaning the gore from it.' Use a different word because repeating a word (blade/blades) lessens the effect, using 'spat on the sharp edge of the weapon' or something of that nature to make more impact.

'When he arrives in the holding cells, he moved over' the sentence starts in present tense then goes to past tense again like the beginning of the story.

'The butcher loomed over her, he was gigantic, at least eight feet tall, his arms and legs the size of tree trunks, his head a large deformed mound of flesh.' This is a run-on sentence, maybe split it into two or three parts instead of putting only commas. Eg. 'The butcher loomed over the old woman. He was a gigantic man, over eight feet tall. His arms and legs could be compared to tree trunks and his head was a large deformed mound of flesh.' That was split up into three sentences, makes it easier for the reader to understand.

Sorry to put all the bad stuff at the beginning, but all in all it was enjoyable, good description. Very gory. Mwahaha.

[SonOfPlunder]

I'm not at all happy with this piece and i'm going to edit it when i get the time. I just wanted to get the ideas down, as raw as they were. Many mistakes which i need to correct. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for taking the time to review!

[FlatLineBeauty]

This was pretty good and very spine tingling. Description was great. Xo winter

[Tina Louise UK]

Very gruesome...vivid imagery, I could see it all play out in my mind. Enjoyed this one :) x

[Silent Wolf]

That was just... elgh. Normally, people would have made some noise at the first cut, unless you were paralyzed. Even then, somebody would have made a noise at the sight of it. Also, people would probably have come looking for the old woman if she would bring so much attention.

Now, as for the story itself. You used a lot of commas, which adds a bit of a drag to it to me. But you did use a lot of detail, which makes up for it a bit, I guess. Still, you might have a place in the top three. :3 It fits the genres I listed: Dark, fiction, less than 1000 words, a story, and new.

[SonOfPlunder]

Believe me, i wasn't at all happy with this, i'm going to take some time soon to edit it properly and make some serious improvements.

[DaughterNature]

I was so excited to read this, I like spooky, gruesome stuff with flair. I think this has real potential, but as of right now, it felt simultaneously too predictable and too stiff/formal to be truly scary or thrilling. When you write, be sure of your narrator's position: does he know the butcher's thoughts, does he know everyone's thoughts? How does the way you create your narrator change the tone of your story? I can't wait to see how this reads with some revision!

[SonOfPlunder]

Thank you! I wasn't that pleased with it myself, but i wanted to get it up on here whilst it was still raw and fresh in my mind. I will definitely be editing this soon

[DaughterNature]

I can completely sympathize with that!

[Ghost of Jupiter]

Well you already know I love this but let me reiterate... I love this... You depict a gruesome scene where all you can do is cringe and let that pit in your stomach deepen as the story unfolds. Rich in detail you spell out this brutal deed in such a way that it makes you feel the fear, the captives must have felt, upon seeing this hideous monstrosity of a man return for them... Chilling write, S... Now I hope I can sleep ... ;)

[HeazerH]

This is very well written. Good horror leaves you at the edge of your seat...you have accomplished that and then some.

[SonOfPlunder]

Appreciate your feedback as always Heazer!! Thank you :)

[chaotic katie]

Very original. Its not like most pieces where there is a major tragedy but all lose ends are tied up in a neat little bow. This is an epic and intense tale with no happy ending that leaves the reader truly disturbed. Fantastic Job!

[SonOfPlunder]

Exactly Katie, too many stories end that way, with a convenient happy ending. More often than not in reality, that is not the case, so i wanted to show that in my short stories. No happy endings from this writer ;) Thank you and glad you enjoyed it!!

[chaotic katie]

Anytime :)

[Dark Heart of Winter]

Intense and gory :)

One criticism though: it seems to focus a bit too much on detail, with little description or evoking of the character's emotions. Or is that intentional, and you want the reader to interpert the emotions how they want?

[SonOfPlunder]

I purposely did that, i did not want him to display any emotions, like he was uncapable of it. Like his only job in life, was to butcher the innocent. I did consider going into more detail, but it thought it would also bring an air of mysteriousness and coldness to the character. I'm glad you liked it though! :) Thanks for the review