Duality

Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes I wish I could just shut down…shut off…shut up. It’s too loud in my head….my thoughts are muddled …misunderstood feelings associating with odd circumstances and I can’t tell which correlations are real and which ones are a product of the undulating fusions formed in my head. I have no release…see no end…and have no more energy left to repress it….I have to get this out of my mind before it alters any of my long standing ideals….I’ve been falling…out of sync…out of love…into lust…into situations that I know will not end well…they just seem so much more compelling than the alternative…its seems despite my best intentions that the outcome remains the same regardless of the path I choose so I select the one that looks to offer the most short term and the least gratifying experiences …Strong and Steady have never been my comfort zone…restless…needing stimulus and being overwhelmed by it at the same time…I’m always torn between two extremes….never meant for the middle….unable to even fathom a place of peace and balance where the light and the dark play nice together….I hide in the shadows and burn in the light….the darkness swallows and the day ignites…fears…passion…expectations…disappointments….afraid of the dark and blinded by the light…unable to have one without the other….I get it…I just can’t catch a break….a cool shady spot on a bright summer day…..a much-awaited light at the end of a seemingly never-ending tunnel….but the clouds roll in and the light always dims just as I reach it…walking the same circles…circles of friends…circles of menial tasks necessary for survival…circles of sleep…wake…sleep…Not enough of either…wondering what is about me that makes it so easy for someone to walk right in and right out of my life…amazing for a moment…evading soon to follow…so good and pure and loathed at the same time…perhaps just like the light needs the dark to exist…love needs hate to give it life as well…if all we ever knew was love how could we value it without knowing how bitter and lonely hate can feel…If all we identified with was hate how could we crave the ardent and promising feelings of love….so if light and dark…love and hate…have to coexist in each of us aren’t we all torn between two distinct opposites….the facets that make us who we are….our experiences that form us…the things we survive…the hope that makes us soar and the despair that crushes us…all lands us on different sides of the spectrum….some are drawn more to the dark….some gravitate more towards the light…the position is ever changing and fluid as we make choices….choices are what affects the inner balance and my choices as of late have been made under false pretensions …..the truth revealing itself just past too late…I’m invested…I’ve given up a sliver of power…the power to damage me…no one ever throws down the sliver but like a razor sharp f**k you they plunge it as deep as they can or they leave superficial wounds on my pride and dignity…slowly shredding any self-love I may have been able to retain until in time…by the blood of a thousand wounds, I am drained and left lying chained to the floor…held down by my despair…waiting in agony as each small slash knits itself back together and is covered by scar tissue…if only scar tissue made good armor… then I would be perpetually impenetrable by the consequence of every broken heart…broken promise…broken dream….even after everything I have endured…I’m still standing in the middle of a sandstorm without my skin…..every minuscule grain of sand feeling like a serrated blade being drawn across every inch of my being at once and incessant...I attempt to cover myself with all the facades I hide behind…at times I almost feel as if it is helping…like the wind has stopped howling….like the sand is lying down to rest…every time... I am wrong…the letdown made more painful by the realization that this will not end at my own choosing…the universe keeping me in my corporeal state just to see how much more I can take….How does one deny a part of themselves that is partially responsible for every thought unspoken…for every feeling untold…for every dream unrealized….to extinguish that would mean I no longer exist…my soul being strangled by rational thoughts and the best of intentions…an epiphany…neither side of myself…light or dark ..is better than the other…I don’t have to make any apologies for who I am…I’m not for you to get…this is my journey…we all walk it alone…in our heads…clothed in our emotions….dressed by our experiences…This is my story…and it’s an interesting story…It’s full of all the choices I have made towards the light and dark parts of me…You can’t feel the warmth of my light without knowing the chill of my darkness…..take me as I am or don’t take me at all…it doesn’t end my journey…it only writes the next line of my story….the rest is still unwritten.

Reviews

[Avinash]

A very strong piece of writing. I sense some sort of arrival in this work. We have to take the longest journey within ourselves. Once it begins you are no longer an onlooker to life, you are living.

[SomeRandomChic]

Thank you for taking the time to read it. It was written at a time when I was coming out of a dark place and stepping into the light.

[Wolfsfriend42]

I really enjoyed it. A good bit of it I know all too well. Looking forward to the what is to follow.

[SomeRandomChic]

I agree it's not a poem but struggle with calling it a story. I am interested in checking out your examples though and appreciate you taking the time to read this. I have read your stuff as well and we are on seriously different levels.I can appreciate that.

[Ethan]

So this is very nice, but it's really a story and not a poem. Not only that, but this isn't really stream of consciousness either. Check out some Joyce and Faulkner if you want to know what I mean. All in all, I still enjoyed it.