Survival

Stream of Consciousness

Another day…another opportunity to pursue those things which keep us keepin’ on..my son…my freedom…my unwillingness to do anything less than survive….On the surface I am doing it…in my soul I feel like I am just going through the motion…there are moments of joy interspersed throughout the mundane days of just getting by…those moments so few and far between…it’s funny…you know moments of boredom or loneliness won't last just as you know the moments of happiness and joy will soon be stolen away by one thing or the other… yet the disappointment is ever present when the gleefulness of the day gives way to the spectacle of the night… I get that we aren’t supposed to be in a constant state of bliss but it sure is nice when you stumble upon it…I need to put myself in more situations where the outcomes are geared more toward my forward movement and less about unsustainable exhilaration…slow and steady wins the race…If I don’t I’m afraid like a lit match head I will flare and burn out too quickly in my chase…I feel this overwhelming need for quiet... a deep quiet…one that resets the neurological conduits in my overactive brain…Sleep isn’t getting it done…Meditation may be on the menu…I crave it like a thirst…one that can’t be quenched with any half-assed attempt…I mean REAL MEDITATION…but that kind of things can take a long time to master…no time like the present to start…another good intention added to my to-do list…why do we spend so much of our time doing things that bring us not one step closer to actualization….and rarely any time focusing on the things that really make this life meaningful…I feel like a robot…yet a robot doesn’t have a heart to be broken or a soul to take...I can’t  imagine a  reality where not having those two elements of yourself could be meaningful…but I bet a robot doesn’t understand they aren’t living a profound life…might have to revisit this…It’s not unusual for me to wish I was apathetic when my feelings have been hurt or my expectations not met…but would I really want to not feel anything?? The question I really need to be asking myself is…what the f**k is wrong with me? That question changes depending on which you emphasized when saying it…In this case, I mean it as…Why do I feel I am anything less than perfectly me? Who gets to decide my worth? Who determines the success of my life? At what point in my life do I feel like it is perfectly acceptable to be the me I am? I establish this…every time I look in the mirror…every time I make a decision…every time I give away my power….Instead of worrying about falling in love or being loved by someone else…I need to fall in love with myself…If I’m not happy with myself…I need to take the appropriate steps to either get happy with it or change it…I need to stop looking to be validated by other people…even a person with the best intentions has their own agenda… the only person you can count on in the end of the day is you…when you look outside of yourself for confirmation you may find it…you may actually think it’s real…but the truth is…nothing gold can last and when those outside sources find their way further along their own journey…you are left empty…having relied too much on outside factors…If you look to yourself for love and know…I mean truly know…your worth…there isn’t any mortal being on this earth that can take that from you…not without you handing it to them….no more giving anything away…period….the people I allow to know me and experience me will have to earn that chance…and not with pretty words that taste like lies…but with true actions…and after some time…if their feelings and actions remain steady and don’t change with every shift in the wind…only then will I give up a precious piece of myself….I will stop allowing people to dictate how I feel or how my life is going…I will stop allowing people to steal the simple joy of just being alive…having the occasion to take this life I have been given and driving it like I stole it…watch out world…you thought I was a handful when everyone kept telling me I wasn’t this or can’t do that…You aren’t ready for what I can and will do when all my love, respect and peace come from inside ME and I don’t need you anymore.