When you spend enough time with strict parents, you learn to be stealthy.
I am a human, adopted by two gods. No, I do not have godly powers, and I certainly am the opposite of holy.
The two unfortunate parents of mine aren't very bright. One is the God of Absolute Trust and the other the God of Lust. In no way was their marriage planned even thought they are quite a strange pair. Strange as they are, I wonder how long it will take them to find out their beloved child was a little cunning thief all along.
They haven't noticed the correlation between the times I ask to go out and "play" and the times their sacrifices from the villagers go missing. They don't even realize things were missing. It's almost like they were blind. More than a few times have I stolen right under their "omnipotent" eyes without them noticing once.
That was - until one day.
"Tina, come here. " My dad said. As the 'Good natured, well behaved child' I am, I race to my father. "Yes, Pa? " "Just how many lambs have you had this year? " I was shocked. I thought they didn't notice! I blushed, red hot with embarrassment written all over my face. My dad patted my head. "It's fine, Tina. They were meant for you anyway. " I stood there crying. The God of Absolute Trust sure knows how to make people cry. I hated myself then. I hated how I tried to deceive my parents.
So, remember, kids. Don't lie. Even if they act like they don't notice, chances are they already know and are just ignoring it out of sheer politeness or love. '
That is, coming from the next potential God of Lies and Deception.
I would take out the "no" in this sentence. I know you were emphasizing it but unless you are just saying "no, I am not holy," it isn't really logical.
Otherwise, I disagree with you that there's no logic in the short. It makes sense, it's clever, and it has a good message, almost like a fable. It's also quite creative.
One more little critique:
"That was, what I though until one day."
I would say:
"That was what I thought - until one day..."
Or something like that. The emphasis is off.
But again - excellent piece overall! Keep writing!!
Nah, it's quite unique writing and interesting story. I was expecting to learn more about those two "gods" since it sounded like they were a major part of the story based on the intro, but I wasn't able to get much. But I guess, I should have expected that, considering it's a short story. Don't worry, it makes sense more than you think.. You've done good. Keep writing.
I would take out the "no" in this sentence. I know you were emphasizing it but unless you are just saying "no, I am not holy," it isn't really logical.
Otherwise, I disagree with you that there's no logic in the short. It makes sense, it's clever, and it has a good message, almost like a fable. It's also quite creative.
One more little critique:
"That was, what I though until one day."
I would say:
"That was what I thought - until one day..."
Or something like that. The emphasis is off.
But again - excellent piece overall! Keep writing!!