May I Join You?

Where do I go now? What do I do next? When everyone has left me here...

Blood mixed with tears was what stained her cheek,

Her cheek, her cheek, which was usually bleak.

Those eyes, her eyes, she looked so meek,

Oh why, oh why, she felt oh so weak.

 

Crumbling onto the floor she cried,

Cried for her family, all who have died.

Cried for the murderer who laid on the floor,

Whose blood stained her cheeks, and nothing more.

 

As if her blood refused to course through her veins,

Her arms fell to her side, as it began to rain.

Lifeless she felt, with no one by her side,

Now that she avenged her family, was it okay to die?

 

Mother, father, brother, and sister.

Would it be alright if I finally saw you?

Would it be alright, alright would it be,

If I ended my life, my life so I could see?

 

I feel so cold, her face was pale.

Blood mixed with tears, made the air so stale.

I feel cold mother, I wish for your warmth,

I feel alone father, I yearn for your comfort.

 

Brother, sister, will you play with me?

She thought in her mind, her mind, so empty.

She then picked up the knife,

And with that, she ended her life. 

Reviews

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Very dark and somber....I feel like I need to go out and stand in the sunlight after this reading. I think the form was well done and the concept interesting; you certainly evoked feelings and emotion within me. A couple punctuation issues, perhaps...I'm not a fan of the end of line periods where commas would work better, but that is slightly stylistic. Anyway, i enjoyed the read.

[Soma-ko]

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it overall. I'm not really sure which punctuation I should change, and would be more than glad to take any suggestions.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

It's just stylistic...you use a lot of periods at the ends of lines. It's not that it's wrong, it's in "classic" form. The piece was really well done.

[Soma-ko]

I see. Most of my poems are classic style because I enjoy the "order" it presents., and thank you for the compliment.

[NA]

Very dark and powerful tale of revenge...so very well written...enjoyed :)

[Soma-ko]

Thank you very much, my poems tend to leans towards darkness and how people live in them, though recently my poems have been more upbeat... Glad you enjoyed it.

[SyberRose]

A very sad one Soma...I saw where you entered it in the contests...good luck to you, hope you win...Rose:)

[Soma-ko]

Thank you, I don't think I'm likely to win, but I hope for the best regardless.