Tonight I Cried

This is what happens when you watch six hours of home videos...

Tonight I Cried

When I was little, a boy said, "Do you believe in God?" and I told him, "No. I believe in my daddy." 

I looked up to you the way immigrants stared at the statue of liberty. You were my beacon, you were my guide. 
I revered you, held you on a pedestal of barbie dolls and legos, cause that's all I could use to make a pedestal when I was a child. 

I was your snugglebunny, we had made that promise lying in bed, and every time I told you I wasn't, you would climb on me and tickle me saying "What did you say?! What did you say?!"
and how I laughed. 

I looked up to you, I wanted to be you when I grew up. I wanted to be everything I knew you were, strong, funny, knowledgeable, strict, but fair. And on top of all of it, a hero. 

I wanted my kids to look up to me and love me the way that I did, if you had let me, I may have kissed the ground you walked on. 
I was daddy's little girl, and you were all I wanted. 

But tonight I cried. 

I cried for the broken pedestal, I cried for the man who I believed in. I cried for you. 

You looked like a nightmare Christmas tree covered in blood, wearing your green thermal.

I cried that night, I cried because my heart broke, my world had been pierced with the same bullet that pierced your ribs and entered your heart. 
I was six years old when I lost the title "Daddy's Little Girl". I"ll never gain it back, no matter how many "fathers" I have. Because none of them could fill your size 9 shoes. 

I know you're gone, but I still don't want to believe it. I've seen your grave three times, had to hear people apologize for my loss countless times, but I still think they have the wrong man. 

I think you took off into the night, leaving behind a man who said his name was Walter in your place, and will walk into the door all elbows and smiles and pick me up and call me your snuggle bunny. 

But I won't forgive you... because whether it was you or not who died that night... you didn't even say goodbye. 

Tonight I cried because I realize you are still stuck on me, like a burr on a dogs fur that always seems to come back. All of my favorite book and movie characters are like you; strong, funny, smart, handsome... and all die in the end. I look for you in my boyfriend's eyes, but all I see looking back at me are a boy named Luca. 

I stare at these home videos and I see your face, I mourn for everything that you could have been, everything you could have seen. My first boyfriend, my first date, my first play, my first everything. I know you're looking down on me, watching my whole life play out. Watching me write this, but where you are is too far... too far. 

Today, a man asked me if I believed in God, and I said, "No, I believe in my father," and he said, "but your father isn't great enough to be a god." and I said, "Then you never met my father."

Author's Note

I had to get this out of my system. I miss my dad. This won't help me sleep tonight, but it wasn't going to get out of my head.