Today I Realized

After extensive research, I found out that I am a monophobic, someone afraid of being completely and utterly alone without anyone to look to, to rely on, or to love. The realization is scaring me.

Today I Realized

By Saskia Liddick

 

Today I realized there was something wrong,

as I stood up to look out onto a sunkissed street.

Today I realized how happy the children looked,

and I was spending my day finding people to talk to.

Today I realized the true colors deep inside me,

why I enter chatrooms to find a stranger's company.

Today I realized exactly why I do the things I do,

because the monophobia is taking control of me.

 

Today I realized that I am far, far different from the rest,

what I think makes me want to be more what they want.

Today I realized that I will never be able to please them all,

and I just may fulfill my darkest dream, to fall asleep alone.  

Today I realized as I sit inside this badly lit office space,

that all the people I thought loved me were putting up with it.

Today I realized that everything I ever had and smiled about,

is as fake as my nightmares of no one by my deathbed could be real.

Author's Note

Ever since I found out that I was monophobic, I haven't been the same, I stopped talking on facebook, I had the desire to stop the book all together, and to just... just... I don't know. For the first time I can't see the sun breaking through the thunder clouds, and it's terrifying me in ways that someone - not eve you dear reader, if you're out there - could begin to understand.
Saskia