Why

inspired by the book Such a Pretty Girl by Laura Wiess

I sit on the bed

Listening to mommy and daddy fight

I cover my head with a pillow

Covering up the sound of yelling

They yell about money

They yell about me

Daddy tells mommy to leave

I hear the door slam

He comes into my room

Sits on my bed

Stroking my hair

With his hands

Shhh its ok

He whispers

Wiping the tears  

From my eyes

He takes his hand

Moves it up and down my thigh

I try to move

But his hand holds me firm

I plead him to stop

But he continues

Please stop I beg

He slaps me

Tells me to shut up

He gets on top of me

Doing his deed

I scream at him

When he left

I ask myself

Why

 

 

Author's Note

Honest opinion

Reviews

[MuSe Ampoule]

I second SpokenWord's analysis of this piece. Great perspective being from a child, though some clean-up editing could make it much more sharp...removing needless repetition would keep it from coming off contrived and trite.

Difficult subject matter deserves intelligent handling to be applicable for feelings of the readers to relate and this is where I have to differ from previous posts...there is a need for more feeling in this piece to be expressed. The writer touches on it, but it could be pushed a little further in my opinion. Specifically because it is from a 1st person POV. The child in this expresses little feeling about the fighting, and doesn't touch on the anticipatory anxiety of the act to come. What appears at the end feels of a repetitious happening to the reader so the character could display more anxiety in this.

This is a good piece and has potential to be better.

[SpokenWord]

Well at first I was looking for the pace of the beat but latter I assumed it was a child speaking and I caught how it read like a child or from their point of view. Of course the subject matter is strong and comes with many strong feelings and that alone sets a tone of sadness for anyone who reads it. Honest Opinion you asked for, I think you did a good job on this delivering a poem that has pace, reads well and has a smashing ending. My only advice would be to polish it a little more by removing repeating words in consecutive sentences.

"He comes into my room

He sits on my bed

He strokes my hair"

Reward the sentences so each doesn't start with He for example and this poem will read even smoother. Just my thought. Your poem is very good!

[LostCauze[:P]]

Its a very raw poem, needs polishing or emphasis although it is short and sweet. I do enjoy the title of the poem because it fits perfectly not because the character asks why but it makes the reader ask why also.

[Kes]

Whoa, ouch.
That's hard-hitting. That was a proper shock to the system.
Really impressed with this - I'm not sure I would've been able to capture the way a child would see this the way you've been able to. It's got a funny beat to it, but it works. I like it.
Great work.

[Hush Hush]

Very disturbing poem. I once read a book about child abuse and after finishing reading it, I just couldn't read thise kind of books anymore...but even though disturbing it is a really beautiful poem...:) well done

[Light]

damn! very heavy and weighty topic. beautifully done!

-light-

[FallenHeroXx]

This is really quite moving it isn't a usual read for me but quite good :)

[.]

Didnt see that coming..obviously not a pleasant subject but covered well..made me feel a little uncomfortable...but then I would uncomfortable if it didn't..well excuted piece..

[Requs]

successful

[Jonathan De Elvira]

I didn't expect for the last part to come, I mean, aren't parents arguing is troubling and disturbing enough, man, the last one really disturbing and I really felt sorry after reading the last part...

[Amit Parmessur]

Very bold effort and you just did what many good writers do... talking of something others don't expect. 100 over 100.