Why

inspired by the book Such a Pretty Girl by Laura Wiess

I sit on the bed

Listening to mommy and daddy fight

I cover my head with a pillow

Covering up the sound of yelling

They yell about money

They yell about me

Daddy tells mommy to leave

I hear the door slam

He comes into my room

Sits on my bed

Stroking my hair

With his hands

Shhh its ok

He whispers

Wiping the tears  

From my eyes

He takes his hand

Moves it up and down my thigh

I try to move

But his hand holds me firm

I plead him to stop

But he continues

Please stop I beg

He slaps me

Tells me to shut up

He gets on top of me

Doing his deed

I scream at him

When he left

I ask myself

Why

 

 

Author's Note

Honest opinion

Reviews

[MuSe Ampoule]

I second SpokenWord's analysis of this piece. Great perspective being from a child, though some clean-up editing could make it much more sharp...removing needless repetition would keep it from coming off contrived and trite.

Difficult subject matter deserves intelligent handling to be applicable for feelings of the readers to relate and this is where I have to differ from previous posts...there is a need for more feeling in this piece to be expressed. The writer touches on it, but it could be pushed a little further in my opinion. Specifically because it is from a 1st person POV. The child in this expresses little feeling about the fighting, and doesn't touch on the anticipatory anxiety of the act to come. What appears at the end feels of a repetitious happening to the reader so the character could display more anxiety in this.

This is a good piece and has potential to be better.

[Warren L.G De Mills]

dude this is such an awesome topic to write about man, was disturbing and shed lighht unto a much forgotten situation, well done

[Luchia Noname]

wow there is a lot of pain... i dont really know what to say about such a thing sorrow is all that's left

[Lilly Negoi]

this hurts...a lot. i like the way the reader is at first misled to think that the father is the "nice" one, and then everything turns 180 degrees around...:) but there is a lot of pain beneath the message...

[Katseye]

Very good write. Powerfully expressed, espcially for one without firsthand knowlege.

[Angelauthor1204]

First of all, your poem was good and I happen to like it. I can almost feel the emotions of the child in the poem. But I have to say, I agree with SpokenWord when it comes to the repeating words you used like the ones SpokenWord had already pointed out. This is an example of something all writers often struggle with (including me) but if you work hard, I think you could do better.

-Ang€la.€vaN$

[Ren]

This was done very well. It started off with a certain mood (I originally thought about it was going to be about divorce). You did a very good job transitioning it to a completely different subject. You did well with the intensity and everything, good job.

[KAREN]

This one I could feel the pain that child was going through as I read! good job!

[Errte]

Wow. Definitely told a story and evoked disgust from me.
Like the previous reviewer the structure was repetitive and I would focus
On writing tightly. Brutally excise the words and I would give less of a blow by blow. Most kids can't explain step by step ... Usually scattered thought and a little bit of omission - svu law and order episodes will give you an idea how shamed kids speak, omit, change the subject. Little polishing but it is there

[luciddreamer]

Personally, I don't think honest writing has to be in a certain format or style, it stands on its on through the emotions felt by the reader....why? indeed....I have no answer that makes sense for it will never make sense...
Peace
Robin