Unknown Passion

Tap.
Tap.
Tap.

      Filled the silence in the empty house, just arriving from the bus after a normal day at school. I was booting up the computer after ditching my bag by the desk and retreating in to the kitchen for some munchies that would hold over my never ending hunger until dinner. I was now clicking on the small anime character icon that was labeled GaiaOnline.com as I was logging in, in the corner of my eye I saw my bag full of bags that would once again to unfinished and neglected. In the top right corner I could see that there was a new private message. The PM was from a person with the screen name ENDERZERO it was referring to the topic I had posted in the Chatter Box forum they had commented that it was not strange that I was four feet and eleven inches with a large breast size, that I would more than likely grow in to my body as I got older. As every one else on that site ENDERZERO thought that I was 19 years old, blonde, brown eyed girl, that worked at a bar in Dallas, Texas. I was going by the name of Autumm it was also reflected in my own screen name with was beatuifulinautumm. Intrigued I clicked on the blue screen name that would lead me to the profile of ENDERZERO. It definatly showed much of their personality with pictures of anime and a list of favorite hobbies ranging from snowboarding to looking good. As I scrolled futher down the page I finally got a glimpse at my new friend, he was a man between eighteen and twenty years old and to top it off he was attractive. Very attractive in my book. Quickly I pressed the blue back arrow at the top of the page to return to my inbox to respond to his PM.

    I was in no hurry to hear from him again, for all I cared he was just another person over the internet that would have no significant impact on my life. I browsed and checked up on other responses to my post in the Chatter Box. My friends had also signed on to their usernames and was talking to them back and forth in PMs. Unlike most kids that I knew who were addicted to the website Myspace.com we were standing away from the crowd and had gaia accounts instead. My best friend Jade who was referred to on Gaia as my twin, which wasn't compleately untrue. We were of course from seperat mothers and had diffrent last names but we looked so much a like we could pass as sisters. That's with out mentioning we could finish each others sentances, say each others thoughts out loud, and had an uncanny connection between us. Although, I suppose most best friends are like that aren't they? Just as I had finished replying to one of Jade's messages I refreshed my inbox page and there was a new message from ENDERZERO. Involentairly my heart jumped to my throat and I couldn't explain why. I did not know this person, not even his name. And yet just by a mere message my heart starts to beat like a humming birds wings. Just as I was about to click on the message my mother barged through the front door making me jump and practically falling out of my seat.

     "Vivian, go grab the rest of the groceries out of the trunk of my car" She told me as she set the handful she had already brought in on the kitchen table.
Rolling my eyes I closed out of the window and shut off the monitor, thankful that the cold weather had receeded I threw on a pull over hoodie and some shoes. My dog Freddy on my heels almost tipping me over as he bursted outside. Setting the groceries on the table, making my way back to the computer desk my mom stops me. "Is your home work finished?" she asked storing the milk in the refrigerator. Glancing at the bag full of books that haven't been touched since I had put them there from my locker.

     "Yes" I lied continuing to make my way to the computer, I could sense her eyes on my back but I never turned around. I reopened Windows Internet Explorer and clicked on the small icon labeled GaiaOnline conitnuing on to my inbox where the message from ENDERZERO waited unread. Slowly I moved the mouse over the message, I hesitated before clicking. Taking a deep breath I applied light pressure to my index finger; the mouse made a small clicking sound and the web page changed to my message. Turns out his name is Chad, he's going to be twenty years old in October and is currently attending Slippery Rock University of Pennsylvania. To my suprise he actually bought my bogus made up life, and I continued to go along with it. We exchanged a few messages back and forth until one day he left me his number in a message saying that he'd like to talk to me over the phone.

{Cant think of much more tonight I'll finish later}

Author's Note

THIS IS NOT DONE!!! But I want your feed back so please write me reveiws and tell me what you think so far!

Reviews

[Ret]

I liked that A LOT better. It's nice to read this second draft and physically SEE your writing ability improve. I learned a lot more. Keep writing like this!

Also, you had some grammar errors, but I don't want to jump on you for everything. If you want me to go through and fix them, send me a message and I will.

[Ret]

So basically, you don't have to squeeze all this into one paragraph. Elaborate. This is a good beginning, but has the potential to be SO MUCH MORE.

The part with the school bag is interesting. I liked it. Also, a better place to start would be to have the girl getting a message from ENDERZERO after she's talked to him a little while, and she remembers how she had met him. It would be a good prologue. It would also explain why she's leaving her homework undone.

However, if you want to have it start how it is, then "There was a new private message (PM for short) responding to my recent post in the forums about how I was 4'11" with large breasts. The senders screen name was ENDERZERO, curious I clicked on his name that lead me to his profile." should turn into something like this:

An announcement bubble near the top of the page caught my eye. I clicked on the image of the envelope that meant that I had a new Private Message. The PM was from a user who's name I didn't recognize, an ENDERZERO. I scanned his words quickly, apparently he was intrigued by my self-description of being short with large breasts. Hoping to learn more about this mystery man, I headed over to his profile...

That expands the idea, makes it less amateurish, and gives the same message.

Best of luck!

[**Cullenified77]

its great
i wanna read moree..

[[untitled]]

The real Gaia.com is a place I critique regularly; and so I had to laugh when I read this.

Well done! I look forward to more soon!