A lost fragment

A tribute to those with cancer or to any child dying

Our greatest fight,

Our sweetest night,,

(Pondering)

(Big pause, as if proud

Per stanza)

We fought hand in hand

For together we can stand

Together we fought

The hardest night,

My daughter stood

Where i dare not, stood

Oh how,

Oh how,

I wish to fake my smile

But only within my smile

I could see her smile

I am her father

I shall not falter

For In heavens land

I will see her hand

Author's Note

Okay re-write... seems everything you requested...re review?? plss

Reviews

[JayG]

• "Our last night,,, Also could mean something she had lost a fragment always"

Aside from the ellipsis, which should be three periods, "She?" Can the reader know the gender of the one who's speaking, and that of the one being spoken of? The author's intent never makes it to the page.

• Our means they fought together

So, they were on the same side? And if so, fighting for what? Remember, many people will read the poem without having looked at the dedication. So the poems words, in and of themselves, should provide context. And "sweetest fight" seemed more an argument than battling disease, as I read.

My point is that because you have intent guiding your understanding it makes perfect sense. For the reader? What can, "Our last night...Our sweetest fight" mean to the reader as-the words-are-being-read, given that you never clarify?

I lost a wife to cancer, and have a son who's been doing battle with it for years. So I get your feelings. But, from only your words, will a reader be able to tell if this is a child who died, one lost to drugs, or a " best fight"

For metrical poetry, I suggest you read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon.

Sorry if my words seem harsh, but...you did ask. 😇

[Snow_]

Thanks plss read my poem revised later....

[Snow_]

Okay re-write... seems everything you requested...re review?? plss
it was infinetely better thank you....
like seriously thank you...

It is like my past poems lol

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

devestating.
EDIT clarify: the poem was very good. i just wasn't ready to read something so tragic today.

[Snow_]

Or do you mean the poem was bad???Wait what?

[Snow_]

Hey,,, plssI re-write again

[Dave W.]

The line "I am her smile, I was her smile" is sad to me.

[Snow_]

It was supposed to be ....

[Snow_]

I re-wrote again...bound to re-write later..though

[Jeyanthi]

Yes...
We love beauty in growing...
But not with cancer, it's difficult..
Sad write...
I too earned those smiles...
I remember my aunt words often...
She was so ambitious... ( she left a path for me to travel)

[Snow_]

Well we grow in ways we cannot expect i think even my hardest experience that i though it will not give any fruit it given me something

[Snow_]

i had a qoute once...... i can not remember but it was like the hardest life gives the best gift though it was much much better but something like that

[Snow_]

if you do not understand my broken English pm me ....

[Jeyanthi]

Nice 😇
I'm also quote keeper...
When two quote keeper interacts...
It will be like, look like 😅
".."..." "...

[Snow_]

i laughed i do not even know why

[Snow_]

it is now good and very happy....care for a another review?